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Alice Rose

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24.01.2022 As I sit down to write this post, I can't help feel guilty. And all because putting something I want to do in front of my children, even for a few moments, tears me in two. The saying of how you need to put on your own oxygen mask before any one else's comes to mind, though then if that is so true, why does my heart feel like it is going to break and my inner biatch begins throwing nasty comments my way? Continue reading via the link below ... https://alicerose.com.au//mum-guilt-is-at-an-all-time-high/

24.01.2022 The face off. As I stare into her eyes, I begin to see who she really is. Somehow I lost vision of who this person was staring back at me in the mirror. I couldn’t face who I was; who I had become. I knew the only way forward was to finally see who she was. Breathe. When I began to look at who I had become, I couldn’t help but straight away pull apart this version of me. Why had I made those choices or spoken those words? Why hadn’t I accomplished those goals that are in...Continue reading

23.01.2022 Standing back in the shadows of my own emotions, letting the world pass me by and pretending like I was living the life I wanted to was the easy part. Never taking a moment to stand back and see what was really happening, to see the hurt I was causing and the pain I was truly experiencing. I just kept on going. Moving forward on such a foreign path was never in my so called plans. Though I was happy to sit back, not put in the work, and let my life keep falling apart while I ...sat their staring blankly at the world I created. There is no such thing as the perfect time to do something. And for so long, I held on to the idea that something had to happen to shake my world up, to force the change upon me. I just wasn’t ready for it to shake all at once. I am ready to see my life for what it is. I am ready. See more

22.01.2022 That's what I am going to do. From now on. No holding back, no waiting for the perfect time. Jump.... With both feet. See where you land. Be proud that you jumped. No matter what. I will be there when you land. And always will be. Jump already.

22.01.2022 I’m finally calling her out! Lately I have had a lot come up for me. Things I didn’t know were hiding and things I was trying my best to hide. After spending a night crying and blaming Reece for so much of my pain, the penny dropped and I finally heard her. My ego.... My ego comes out in full force as ‘B**** Alice’. She is someone who instantly plays the victim, doesn’t want to listen, can’t stay present in a conversation as she is already thinking of the next thing to say and will do anything to come out on top. She is just plain horrible! I constantly listen to her calling me dumb, worthless, ugly, fat, never good enough, a failure, will never succeed in anything, and the worst one; a bad mother. With every snide remark she makes and every wince of pain I give her she grows stronger. I stopped listening to my own voice and could only hear the negativity floating through my mind. I began to believe her and fell to my knees grovelling, trying to persuade her that I wasn’t these things. But she became so over powering I had no strength to fight her back. Her words ate away at my soul. I lost any contact with who I really was and I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. Each day I could feel a hope inside of me that something would change, that I would stop being so angry and everything would go back to normal. But I was so far down this rabbit hole that I didn’t know if things would ever change back. And then, in the midst of another argument, her voice no longer sounded like my own. I heard her on her own, telling me that it wasn’t good enough; that I wasn’t good enough. Again. This time, I felt like I had caught her red handed and she stopped dead in her train of thought, just for a moment. So why am I telling you this? If I knew earlier what was the root cause of months of pain mentally, living every day believing I was never going to be good, I could have told her to back off sooner and stopped all the trouble that she had been causing long ago. I now know I couldn’t be the only one living with this unwanted roommate inside our heads and if I can do anything, I want to lead by example to those around me and show a way of learning to live together with our egos. For the next 10 weeks I will be documenting my journey with my ego from trying new things to turn her volume down to how I am really feeling and hopefully learning what triggers her to start yelling at me. And because if I have learnt anything from her so far, by calling her out publicly is her worst nightmare. She now knows that I know her voice. And I am no longer afraid to tell her to be quiet. See more

22.01.2022 When those two blue lines showed up on probably my 100th pregnancy test in May of 2014, I knew that I had finally hit the milestone I had always wished I would; Mum/Mother/Mummy/Mama. Of course your mind wanders and begins filling with so many questions that would slowly be answered as time went on but along with that something strange begins to happen. The title begins to change you. From once knowing who you are, what you like to do in your spare time, where you see you...rself in five or ten years and even just accepting that you don’t know those things just yet, make you feel calm and content with who you are at your core. And then somewhere along that path, we decided to push all of those things to the side and almost as if we are admitting defeat against this tiny, screaming, nappy filling baby who will now forever guide our lives, that we are no longer us. Are we just known to ourselves as the ones who are forever tidying up, chasing tantrums and wiping spills? Will we ever introduce ourselves as anything other than ‘Mother’? Where did we go? And more importantly, why did we disappear? I have found myself questioning who I am and where I left myself too many times. Slowly, very slowly, I have come across things that have made me feel deep inside that I was home. Every now and again a memory will hit me of what I was like before kids, sometimes memories I wish had been wiped with those vodka induced evenings, but memories all the same. And I begin to get swept up in that knowing that I had been longing for; a sense of knowing who I was once more. In life, there will be many unanswered questions, but there are some that we can’t afford not to try and find the answers to. Finding out who we are alongside being a mother is one of the most important ones we should seek. So, who really are you if you are Not Just A Mum?

20.01.2022 For some time now I have forgotten who Alice Rose is. I was believing that everything was merry around me and life was passing me by as I walked through each moment with my rose coloured glasses on. Though all along I had been too afraid of my life. Throughout my life I have come face to face with some of life’s worst moments. My childhood was filled with trauma, loss and hurt which I kept buried deep inside of me. Without healing my wounds, I will never become the Alice... Rose, the mother, the partner, the daughter and friend I know I truly am. There are not enough words for the pain I feel inside on a regular basis, I don’t know if there ever will be but there is a pulling towards a warmth that feels safe; it feels bigger than the world we know; healing. My life has been as if I was playing a game of hide and seek, though for so long I was too afraid to seek anything out and even more afraid of what I would find. Facing my inner, most traumatic experiences head on is the only way I can heal my open wounds that I carry deep inside of me. Facing my ego and telling her where to shove her horrible thoughts is another. This journey is one that won’t be taken lightly. Diving deep into the unknown scares me but not doing anything about the pain that resides in me scares me even worse. If I have hurt so many, including myself, for so long now, why would I want to keep going down the same path any longer? Though as I write these words, I am unsure. Unsure of where I want this adventure to take me, to whether I am actually ready for this journey at all. But will I ever be ready? I won’t know unless I take off my glasses to actually see.

19.01.2022 I kept hiding myself away. I could just feel the tension in the air and knew deep inside that it was all going to come out sooner or later. I wouldn’t have thought today of all the days it would; on my thirty first birthday. The pain I saw in his eyes hit home. Hard.... I sat outside and cried. I cried like I never had before. I begged the Universe to help me, to make it all stop, to change who I had become. I began opening my eyes slowly, and seeing who this version of me was. It certainly was far from who I imagined I was. This wasn’t me any more. Continue reading using the link below https://alicerose.com.au//the-best-birthday-present-was-t/

16.01.2022 How do you ever really put into words that type of news? How do you know what is the right way, or right time, to tell your loved ones? Thursday the 2nd of July at 2 pm I got that news. ... This time, it wasn’t from a family member or seeing a post on social media. It was from my own doctor. ________________________________ **Unfortunately this is too long for a simple post so I have linked a blog post below https://alicerose.com.au/2020/07/03/i-have-a-tumour/

14.01.2022 Part of my Alice Rose journey is to show by example, how to lead by example. How to lead our children by being the example. This is for all areas of ourlives.... Though the secret is to always come from a place of love, no matter what is thrown our way. We deserve it and so do they I thought that drawing this while we were driving would be easy...someone else *cough* Reece *cough* thought it would be funny to swerve, go over bumps and tap my phone while I attempted it... It's not perfect and that's what makes it beautiful in my eyes. It's the memories behind todays doodle that makes my heart happy

14.01.2022 I thought I would try something and see what happens..welcome to Story time rambles part 1 *** hahaha at my face that Facebook chose as the still image

14.01.2022 A month ago I sat in my doctors office hearing the words that they found a tumour on my kidney. I was full of panic, anxiety, wonder and a million 'what ifs' that seemed to spiral out of control with every waking thought. I sat on these emotions not know how to tell people, how to feel these emotions and how to plan for the unknown future all while in bloody lock down in a freaking pandemic...what a year you've been so far 2020! ... Link in below has the rest of this blog post https://alicerose.com.au/2020/08/03/column-of-bertin/

13.01.2022 Have you ever noticed when one thing may not seem to go the way you wanted something else seems to break or dissolve before your eyes? The saying 'bad things happen in threes' comes to mind. This is what I like to refer to as the flow on effect. I view it as the energy we gain from the first 'issue' or 'breakdown' of whatever it is that has happened, is then carried over into our lives whether we know it or not. ... From there, what may have seemed as a simple thing that has gone astray has now influenced other areas of our lives because we have unconsciously brought the energy along with us. Continue reading my nightly mind rambles via the link below https://alicerose.com.au/2020/06/24/the-flow-on-effect/

12.01.2022 Going from one shift to another mentally so quickly almost became my excuse to not even begin to try. Almost. So this crazy journey I am beginning to share with you all is just at the start. It will be up and down, fragile ready to break. But it is already becoming so worth the honest pain. I needed this change. My family needed this change. In some ways, I feel like a broken record by using 'new journey', 'new beginning', 'change' to describe what I am venturing on, thoug...h it is very true. I have begun many challenges, goals and journeys especially over the past five years which just happens to coincide with becoming a mother. To truly be able to lead by example for my boys, to me, means healing from my past, growing into the future and living right here right now in the present. I am becoming the leader of my own pack once and for all. See more

11.01.2022 It's funny how after attempting to paint, I find the image of the paint caps stuck on a bit of rubbish prettier and more 'artsy' than I do my own piece. I have always been drawn to the art that falls together without thought. Is that what the ease of life entails? Without thought.

08.01.2022 Have you ever found something you wrote a while back and when you read back over it, it pulls you to a place you can feel in every cell in your body where your hurt lays? That is what the below piece is for me that I stumbled upon this morning. I wrote this over a year ago and saved it in my drafts because even what seemed like a simple task to me of writing became too hard this time. And that’s okay. Sometimes we aren’t ready to bring up something that causes us pain, examine it in all its forms and place it back down. Sometimes we need to. Today, I needed to examine this. Continue reading via the link below https://alicerose.com.au//sometimes-we-need-to-and-thats-/

07.01.2022 What a change this week has brought. I've felt the shift take place. My mind is clearer, my emotions are more relaxed and I'm stepping outside of my comfort bubble. This week has had really wonderful and powerful moments for me. I have had a chance to unwind, regroup and push forward, towards more of what I want rather than the confines of what felt comfortable that my ego lead me to believe was the only reality available to me.... There have been many moments I have caught myself mid sentence or mid thought and stopped myself in my tracks and instead decided to repeat my new mantra "I choose love!". What a difference those three little words make. My reactions have changed especially to the boys, and mostly towards myself. The things I have implemented this week include starting my morning with tongue scraping, a new meditation and even a celery juice, followed by working out at home, ensuring I spend quality one on one time with each of my boys everyday, and learning more about the science behind how children grow (the secret is Love!). Though the challenge of living in a cohesive world with my ego I have yet to master, I surely feel that I am learning more about myself than I ever thought I could. I am only a few weeks into this new journey.

06.01.2022 I am embarrassed. Wow, that lifted a lot from more from my shoulders than I thought those few words could possibly do. I am one who loves to share a lot of me with anyone that is willing to listen. I share my childhood traumas, my crazy job ideas, my night time rambles and anything else that in the moment I am happy to let flow out of my mouth. Though one thing I don't like is the feeling of embarrassment from sharing too much. Is that even possible to feel with someone ...who is a clinical over sharer? Yes, especially when it comes to my own health. So what is behind this sense of emotion all of a sudden? Being told it's actually not a tumour and instead a part of me that has always been there. Continue reading below https://alicerose.com.au/20//04/embrace-the-embarrassment/

06.01.2022 I’ll let you in on a little secret. I am not perfect. Shocking right? ... Well, as silly as it sounds, it was to me. To find out that the world I thought I loved, that I thought was perfect turned out to be just that; a thought. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for the power of our thoughts, just mine seemed to be living in a very bizarre fairytale. Admitting that something that I had believed was the best it was going to get actually wasn’t, turned out to be a ginormous wake up call for me. To realise that my life could become the actual reality I have always wanted it to be lifted the weight right off of my shoulders...Until I realised the only way to get there was to put in the work. But there is a beauty in imperfections and I am learning to love and embrace all of mine. No matter how hard the work may seem, we all deserve to love ourselves at the end of the day. So let’s get to work.

02.01.2022 Last year became a blur. Each day began rolling into the next quicker than I could keep up with. I would blink and it would be bedtime all over again.... Though for the first time in my life, bedtime was what I was afraid of. The darkness. The loneliness. The thoughts. My imagination. It was as if my mind went wild and craziness would hit an all-time high. I lost the passion to do the things I knew I loved. I let that darkness follow me around wherever I went and no matter who I was around, it was there. In some strange way, having that there, kept me feeling less alone, though on the other hand, it was exactly what was keeping me apart from others. I was in this strange unknown and felt extremely trapped within my own mind. I had long forgotten who I cared about, and myself was at the top of that list. *As it's a long post, please continue reading via the link below https://alicerose.com.au/2021/01/11/11-01-2021/

01.01.2022 Story time rambles part 2

01.01.2022 This year has been the most intense year of them all. We began with the excitement of a new decade, goals were set high and soon came crashing down as well, you know how this year has been. After listening to @kjtilse on the @the.healthcode poddy nugget yesterday, the words Kurt spoke seemed to stick in my mind. Kurt is right in saying that #2020snotdead we are only in August, that the goals list doesn’t need to be thrown away, it needs to be reevaluated and adjusted to what...Continue reading