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Aussie Dad Jokes

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22.01.2022 Strangers on a train. Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70-year-old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewellery. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old - who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across... from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp. As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin. In the ensuing period of silence, the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts. The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?" The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?" The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark. The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a wonderful world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

21.01.2022 STORMS AND ANCHORS A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" asked the captain.... "Throw out an anchor, sir." replied the naval student. "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" asked the captain. "Throw out another anchor, sir." answered the student. "And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?" asked the captain. "Throw out another anchor." replied the student. "Hold on," said the Captain. "Where are you getting all your anchors from?" The naval student replied, "From the same place you're getting all your storms, sir."

20.01.2022 Sophisticated And Concomitant Primal Expression And Dissertation Of The Experience Of Lockdown #ukulele #uke #originalsong #teachersoftiktok #tiktokteacher #smallgestures

19.01.2022 Lockdown Melbourne Style - Bin There Done That, This And The Other...

19.01.2022 A twitch is a cross between a glitch and a tweak.

18.01.2022 MUD OWNERSHIP, MILITARY STYLE During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy backroad encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. ... "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys "Yours is."

16.01.2022 I don't know who needs to hear this, but here's the Red Army Choir (part of the Russian Ministry of Internal Affairs) singing 'Sex Bomb.' Courtesy of Olivia Giovetti @ogiovetti

10.01.2022 SALES PITCH MILITARY STYLE Private Jones was assigned to the induction centre, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, and the benefits of extra insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Private Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. ... Jones explained the basics to the new recruits, and then said: "If you pay for extra insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $500,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $20,000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

10.01.2022 Well, we used to be called New Holland... In Holland, do they have "Australian Carrots - Dutch Grown"?

08.01.2022 Napoleon Beanaparte

03.01.2022 "This is a movie spoof looking back on Bruce Willis's Die Hard movies, this time staring Rowan Atkinson's Mr Bean character. Mr Bean is always a lot of fun and people just can't seem to get enough of him. Tonight, I add a little life back into the old character which I think is timeless." - Rodney W Pike - Creator of these caricatures

03.01.2022 Someone Has Unearthed This Clip Of Mr Bean ‘Singing’ A Puccini Aria And It’s Just Glorious Courtesy of ABC Classic FM 11 September 2020 16:25h Rowan Atkinson's act from "Mr. Bean's Holiday".... A classic Mr Bean moment, combined with some great Puccini The good people of the Internet have unearthed an iconic scene from the film Mr Bean’s Holiday, in which Bean lip-syncs to ‘O mio babbino caro’. Rowan Atkinson’s loveable eccentric mimes and boogies his way through Mozart’s ‘Rondo alla Turca’ and Shaggy’s ‘Mr Bombastic’, before landing on the Puccini aria. As a crowd slowly gathers around Bean, he throws a crowd member’s sweater over his head and expertly lip-syncs his way through the aria. Bean doesn’t fully grasp the storyline behind ‘O mio babbino caro’ (we’re not sure where the Romeo and Juliet dying scene comes into Gianni Schicchi), but as ever, it’s a magnificent performance from Rowan Atkinson. Special mention for the top acting skills of Max Baldry, the child star now better known as the lovely Viktor from Years and Years. From the opera "Gianni Schicchi". Composed by Giacomo Puccini. Libretto by Giovacchino Forzano. Performed by Rita Streich & The Deutsche Oper Berlin Orchestra Conducted by Reinhard Peters.

01.01.2022 The Hand Is Quicker Than The Averted Eye