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Becoming Mindful
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17.01.2022 WIMR is delighted to be working in partnership with @powerhousemuseum to acquire materials relating to the COVID-19 pandemic, to document the global crisis for ...the nation. The Powerhouse’s Coronavirus (COVID-19) Collection aims to record the scientific, economic, cultural and social impact the outbreak has had on Australia. Specifically, WIMR is working with the Powerhouse Museum to collect medical and scientific material related to the development of a COVID-19 vaccine, contact tracing research and technology, and stories from lead researchers and the patients with whom they are working. Professor Tony Cunningham AO, Director of WIMR’s Centre for Virus Research says, I am delighted to be part of the COVID-19 research team here, on the Westmead Health Precinct, which continues to be the epicentre for COVID-19 diagnosis, patient treatment and vaccine development in New South Wales. I am working with my team at WIMR to develop a vaccine that is particularly designed for one of the sectors of the community at greatest risk from COVID-19 the ageing. It is so important to document this period and protect the moments and milestones, so that future generations can learn from our experiences and I look forward to contributing items associated with our own research, and hope that it helps to draw attention to the vital role medical research continues to play, not just in relation to COVID-19, but all aspects of health. To read more about WIMR’s involvement with the Powerhouse Museum’s Coronavirus (COVID-19) Collection, visit https://bit.ly/32PhMNW.
12.01.2022 Maybe humans should come with warning labels.
11.01.2022 Empathy Islands. Its time to own up to something. Most of us really suck at empathy. We know it is important, we know it is what we need to do for our sad, a...ngry, frustrated, anxious, overexcited children. (As well as for our sad, angry, frustrated, anxious, overexcited sister/colleage/dad/client/friend/spouse etc) A lot of us think that we are empathising in all the right moments, but for some reason it doesn’t seem to have the magical effect that we would like it to have. We are doing what we are supposed to be doing, but it isn’t working. So what is going on? Usually it is something like this. The times we think we are empathising, one of the following is happening instead: 1. We empathise with the wrong person. Oh that must have been an accident! I’m sure Susan didn’t mean to upset you like that. She’s had such a stressful day today, I bet she didn’t realise what she was doing. 2. We feel we really need to teach a lesson in this moment, and so we introduce a ‘but’. I know you are really tired and frustrated, but you really can’t just yell at people. Nobody likes it when you yell at them, and it doesn’t help solve the problem. 3. We are determined to get our own point across. I hear you are upset, but if you would just stop and listen to me for a moment you’ll realise that I’m actually being entirely reasonable. 4. We want to get past the feelings, and fix the problem as fast as we can. Oh you are sad it is broken! Look, lets put it back together shall we? There you go, it’s just the same now. Look! You can stop crying, it’s all mended. Any of these sound familiar? If so then I have an analogy for you that will make it much easier to avoid these pitfalls. Imagine that your child lives on their own little personal island. And you live on your own island too. And your other child has theirs, and your wife/sister/colleague etc each have theirs too. Basically everyone has their own island. You get the picture. When you empathise with somebody, you cross a little bridge onto their island and then you stay there. You ask them to show you around, and you ask questions and notice things and listen to the details of their island only. You appreciate the view, and you notice the trees they’ve got growing, and you really get a feel of what it must be like to live on that island. At no point do you point out any details from the other islands. It doesn’t matter how stressed Susan is over there on her island, and what may or may not have been behind Susan’s behaviour, because right now you are talking to Sally, you’re on Sally’s island, and that is all you need to worry about in this moment. Once Sally feels that she has given you the full tour of her island, then, and only then, you can think about returning to your own island. How will you know? Well, firstly she will probably come naturally to the end of her crying, or raging, or whatever meltdown she is having, without being shushed by anyone else. And next, she will start to look for solutions to her struggle. Or ask for ideas and opinions. Or she will genuinely want to come over to your island and find out what the view looks like from there. The exact behaviour you see from her will be individual to Sally, and age dependent. These islands are just as useful for your two year old child as for your 42 year old sister. But two year old Sally won’t have the necessary brain development to empathise properly yet, while 42 year old Sally might do! Essentially the clue you are looking for is a shift in Sally’s focus, from looking inwards at her own struggle, to looking outwards at how to solve it, or at someone else’s experience. Only when that shift happens will you have spent enough time on her island. And sometimes it can take a while. You might want to make a cup of tea and get comfy while you are there. And you also might need to watch out a little for a true shift. Especially with 42 year old Sally (oh, and teenaged Sally too she’ll be a whizz at this one). What should I have done then? or Well, you tell me why she did that! might sound like an attempt to understand another point of view. But sometimes the questions will come loaded with scorn or sarcasm. You will get the feeling that Sally doesn’t really want to know the answers to these questions. She is being defensive rather than curious. And if Sally is doing this, then you need to spend some more time on her island. Once she’s ready, the questions will sound genuine. As a parent, there are likely to be times when you also have Susan in front of you, and lets say Sally and Susan are both your children, and maybe they are arguing about who gets to have the plate with the blue dinosaur and there’s some snatching and some hitting and some yelling going on then you may need to keep jumping back and forth from Susan to Sally’s island. It won’t feel perfect, or easy, and it takes a lot of energy, but you can still do it if you stick to this rule: You only talk about Susan’s island with Susan. And you only talk about Sally’s island with Sally. Susan you really want that plate, I can see how much you love the blue dinosaur. It is really hard because someone else wants it too and you don’t know if you’re going to get it! Sally, you got to the dinosaur plate first, and you really want to eat your supper off that plate. The dinosaur smiles at you between the peas, doesn’t he? It must feel so worrying that you might have the plate taken away from you Susan I can see you are getting really upset that you might not get the plate. You remember that Sally had it at breakfast so it feels fair to you that you should have it now. Sally I see you want to hide it so that you can keep it safe and make sure you get it I want to hear from both of you and listen to all your feelings. I’m going to put the plate safely up here to give us time to work this one out. I want to hear properly from both of you, do you want to start Susan? And away you go. Listen to each child. Empathise with each child. Keep going until both children feel fully heard. We often feel that in order for our children to learn how to empathise with others, that we need to coach them in this, by explaining what another person might be experiencing. But this isn’t how our children learn. They learn empathy by feeling it fully themselves first. It is all about what we model to them, not what we teach them. Let me know what you think about this analogy in the comments below. And if you are trying this and having any struggles, or you have questions, please ask them! And if you’d like to learn more about supporting your children and feeding your relationship with them, then please check out my webpage at https://www.calmfamily.org/alexandra-harris.html.
01.01.2022 https://www.abc.net.au//raising-resilient-kids-to/12629006
