Bree Baxter- Counsellor | Medical and health

Bree Baxter- Counsellor

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25.01.2022 S T O N E W A L L I N G- part 2 When you notice the person you are speaking to has started to stonewall by disengaging in the conversation, turning away or ignoring you it can be extremely frustrating. This frustration can lead you to raise your voice, become critical of their behaviour and often say anything you can to get a reaction from them. NONE of these responses will get the response you are seeking. It will NOT suddenly snap them out of their blankness, it will NOT tr...igger a sense of understanding in them and it will NOT help you come to a resolution. What WILL help is to recognise the anxiety they are experiencing and give them space. Acknowledge the discomfort they are experiencing and give them time. Back off, walk away and express a hope you can resolve this at a later time. Re attempt the conversation when they are more comfortable and you are able to engage with a softened approach, with touch and with empathy. Hold their hand as you speak, convey your feelings and needs without criticism or contemp. This WILL keep them calm; it WILL maintain connection and it WILL help promote productive communication. In part 3 find tips for those who experience emotional detachment and avoidance in conflict.

24.01.2022 S T O N E W A L L I N G- part 1 Stonewalling is when a person ignores, stops interacting and withdraws from conflict. According to Gottman Research 85% of stonewalling in a heterosexual relationship is done by the male. It is their way of trying to block out conflict, ride out conflict or even wear out conflict. Their hope is that by disengaging in an argument, they are not making the situations worse. However, usually it does the opposite. When faced with someone who disenga...ges and turns away it usually leads to an escalation of anger and frustration in the speaker. Why do people stonewall? It is usually part of a physiological response when feeling overwhelmed or flooded. Hands may tense, teeth may grind, heart rate increases. They may fidget with objects or clothing, physically turn away from the speaker or seek escape with their phone, alcohol or cigarettes. It’s their way of trying to decrease the distress and discomfort they are experiencing. If you have someone in your life that stonewalls when conflict arises stay tuned for parts 2 and 3 with tips on how a speaker can handle stonewalling and how a stonewaller can manage their anxiety during conflict.

23.01.2022 Arguing In Front Of Kids. This is a really interesting subject that I often discuss in sessions with my clients. Should parents argue in front of their kids? There are many reasons against arguing in front of kids, topics may be too sensitive, language and tone may not be appropriate, raised voices can be scary and intimidating. All great reasons why some arguments should not play out in front of children.... But what if you and your partner are Master Arguers? What if your children witnessed their most influential role models arguing in a calm and rational manner? What if they witnessed speaking and listening? What if they witnessed discussion of values and dreams? What if they witnessed apologies, taking responsibility and compromise? What if they witnessed effective communication? All these skills you and your partner can work towards in relationship counselling. Not only does it benefit your relationship but it can benefit your children’s future relationships, showing them that conflict in relationship is normal and can be resolved respectfully and productively.

20.01.2022 Such a beautiful song but also such a great display of working with little ones in tow!

19.01.2022 R I T U A L S O F C O N N E C T I O N This time of year, is full of connection rituals. It’s a special time where families and friends join together, feeling linked and bonded by a sense of commitment, shared values and emotional connection. Connection rituals can give us a touch stone, something solid to depend on as we move through life’s transitions. Connection rituals allow us to feel part of something and remind us of those around us that we can rely on, deepening emotionally connections. Whatever the relationship, whether it be family, friendship or an intimate one, think about the rituals of connection you share and where they can be increased to daily, weekly or even monthly.

19.01.2022 "Grief is a broken connection of any kind". A powerful statement which used in the context of many peoples current situation explains our mix of emotions. We are all experiencing changing connections in different ways, for some the relief of not having to participate in social situations is welcome, however there are many who are missing rites of passages they have looked forward to for many years. Allowing a person time to grieve loss of any kind is important. Being an empathetic listener is a way you can support someone dealing with a loss of connection of any degree respecting and acknowledging their grief, and inviting them to share with you these emotions.

17.01.2022 Great alternative advent calendar!

11.01.2022 S M I L E W I T H Y O U R E Y E S This week I’ve left the house twice. Each time I wore a mask. I believe wearing masks in public at the moment is the necessary step to protect ourselves and others from what appears to be an unpredictable illness. As I walked around wearing my mask, I felt safe and content I was doing the right thing, however I also noticed my usual interactions with people were happening differently. No longer could I connect with strangers wi...th a casual smile or grin, as the mask was covering most of my expression. I sensed an added layer of confusion in people’s conversations as if they were unsure of emotion behind simple interactions. In some situations that layer of confusion was causing unnecessary tension. It got me thinking about what each of us can do during these unprecedented times to ensure our interactions and relationships with others remain as positive as they always have. We want to continue building trust and interacting with ease through managing our own stress levels, projecting warmth and interest in our voice, asking questions with an open posture, using manners, and expressing gratification and appreciation more often. Practice smiling with your eyes, after all they are windows to our soul.

09.01.2022 W I N N I N G I N C O N F L I C T ? When I listen to couples discuss conflict in their relationship it often sounds like a competition or battle. There seems to be battle to be the winner. Each can be so focused on being that winner that they miss seeing the damage that has happened to their relationship and connection with their partner in the process. The triumph one may feel when their partner backs down or gives in needs to be compared to the defeat and loss that the ...other is feeling. When these feeling emerge, there is a demines in the connection couples have, a power struggle and a competition instead of a union and resolution. So next time you and your partner are in conflict ask yourself by winning this argument what is it doing for our relationship and my partner? Am I forming a deeper connection here? Am I approaching this with both our views and feelings in mind? Am I resolving the conflict or am I winning? Relationship Counselling can help you learn strategies and skills to ensure your conflicts are connections and not battles.

09.01.2022 H O L D I N G H A N D S. I recently read an article on the power of touch between partners. Researcher Pavel Goldstein, found that couples when sitting next to each other and holding hands displayed increased brainwave synchronisation. This simple act of holding hand with your partner during times of stress and conflict can be a powerful experience, lessening a physical response and maintaining closeness. The act of reaching out expresses need, vulnerability and openness,... but also compassion, dependability and connection. Next time you are anxious or stressed spend some time holding your partner’s hand and see how your body responds. Or, next time you need to discuss a difficult topic with your partner hold their hand and see the path the conversation takes. You may just find a new way to relieve stress and restore emotional closeness when we feel most anxious or distant. See more

07.01.2022 Think this is a really important message to keep in mind when dealing with teens.

06.01.2022 One in five mums will experience perinatal anxiety and / or depression. We also know that a significant number of non birth parents experience similar rates of ...mental illess. Left untreated, these illnesses can have long-lasting impacts on parents, partners, baby and the rest of the family. The key to getting help is being able to recognise that something is wrong and being brave enough to ask for help to ‘tell someone who cares’. That might be talking to your partner, child and family health nurse, doctor or PANDA’s National Helpline. Learn more about the signs and symptoms: https://bit.ly/3n3d5aK Image - An illustration of five mums. Four of the mums are coloured grey with just one shown in colour. Text: "1 in 5 mums experience perinatal anxiety and/or depression. Find support at panda.org.au". #PANDAWeek2020 #tellsomeonewhocares

06.01.2022 "When we take good care of ourselves, we fill ourselves up, which in turn energizes us so that we can give to others." - Dr. Julie Gottman During these difficul...t times, we find ourselves at a loss: too busy or overwhelmed with stress to see the natural give and take of friendship as anything but obligation. When we notice these signs, It’s time to recognize our boundaries and give ourselves a break. In other words, it’s time for some self-care. Make self-care a priority and practice healthy communication skills, both internally and externally. When you're recharged and ready to reconnect, consider this list of ways to turn towards your loved ones: https://bit.ly/2RghuJo

05.01.2022 H O W C A N I S O L V E T H I S? Unfortunately, we’ve got a while to go in this lock down phase, which for many means a lot more stress, anxiety and possi...ble conflict with those we are locked down with. During such times it is natural for people to become more sensitive, experience less patience and even develop quite negative sentiment towards their partner. Ruminating over past conflicts and becoming less forgiving towards mistakes, builds tension and negative interactions. To work through such times, we need to look inward, look to ourselves and see what our partners actions are bring up for us and how we can go about improving things. If an employee was not completing a job to your satisfaction, we would not approach them with criticism and contempt of their efforts, rather we would hope to give them guidance on where they can improve and the difference it would make to you and them. We would look to resolve and improve the situation. Approaching problems in relationships is of course more difficult because we have deep emotions that impacts our ability to stand back from the problem. Looking inward before we address situations with our partners can help us process where our emotions are sitting and the solutions we are looking for, making communication clearer and gentler. Attached is the first of free resources I will post during this lock down period to help maintain connections with those we need the most connection with at the moment. Please share to you own pages to maximize it's reach.

02.01.2022 S U P P O R T I N G S U F F E R I N G The thing about suffering is it is inevitable. We all go through times where we feel overwhelmed and inundated with emotion that feels so uncomfortable, we don’t know what to do with it. As a partner of someone experiencing this distress it can be hard to listen to our partners pain, as it is our natural instinct to want to fix things and make it better for them. So, we offer solutions, ways to fix things, examples of times we’ve been ...through similar times and what we did to feel better, we tell them what they should be doing. These comments are often for ourselves; they are comments we make to ease our own sense of helplessness as we listen to their suffering and they make us feel of use to our partner. It is uncomfortable to listen to their pain so we try everything we can to resolve it for them, to feel we are the best partner we can be for them. But fixing things is not always the answer. Listening to your partner and simply being with, letting them feel and know you are with them during their suffering helps ease the sense of aloneness during their distress. By not offering a solution or trying to fix your partners suffering, by simply listening and empathising you are offering yourself as a support, as an ally, as a partner, rather than a fixer.

01.01.2022 S E L F - C O M P A S S I O N The first step towards self-compassion is noticing our own empathy and compassion for the suffering of others. Identifying this shows we have the capability to apply understanding and kindness to ourselves in times of similar discomfort. Failings, hurt, mistakes are all human experiences and to believe that we are not worthy of the same supportive compassion we willingly give to others is worth exploring. Why do others deserve your kindness yet you do not? Exploring this also helps put into perspective those failings, hurt and mistakes we experience as common human experience. Acknowledging that every one of us is susceptible to hurt and pain, as a reality we all share, and by giving ourselves self-compassion we are recognizing our shared experiences.

01.01.2022 P L A Y F U L N E S S. So when you read my 6 second kiss challenge for the week what were your initial thoughts. I don’t have time for that? How awkward!, We are too old for that, eye roll!! The 6 second kiss challenge is an opportunity to ignite some passion, intimacy but also playfulness into your relationship. Playfulness in any relationship brings people together through joy, celebration, and delight. It is a tendency we seem to have drilled out of us as we grow u...p and adopt a more professional manner, however through re engaging that playfulness with our partners we are exploring the joy within ourselves while strengthening our relationship. Don’t we want the time we spend with partners to be filled with a sense of joy and laughter? To ensure these moments build, it take simple consideration of our responses in potentially explosive situations. Take the example below. Which response would you have? And what type of interaction would it spark with your partner? Relationship Counselling can bring that playfulness back into focus for you and your partner. Contact me today for me information.