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Candid Katy

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24.01.2022 Change. The only constant in this unpredictable world. A year ago, we were in lockdown. Isolated. Seeing our loved one’s faces through screens, and not seeing some, (like my beautiful Nan) at all. A year ago - my brother Gary was alive. A year ago, I was a different person.... A year ago, the pandemic changed everything; but it was loss that changed me. Therapy continues to change me. Writing my memoir is changing me. Learning to see people for who they really are is changing me. A year. One year. He was alive at this time last year. But everything changed. See more

22.01.2022 I have been neglecting my blog space of late. I have been preoccupied with my memoir, my passion project. Writing it is tearing me open but allowing me to feel and process things I thought I had dealt with long ago. There is no finish line when it comes to healing I'm afraid. Making progress sure feels good though. I thought I might share an excerpt of it on my blog - just to show anyone who is interested what I've been writing, what kind of writing style I'm using, and ...how very vulnerable I'm being. I truly don't see this as a "book deal, going to get properly published" kind of project, as I feel the only people who would be interested in reading it would be people who actually know me, but that's not my goal anyway. I'm writing it for me. It's all still very much in first-draft form, including the part I am going to share. I know I have a lot of work to do, but I feel pulled to put some out into the world, to share what I'm doing and what is taking up the very limited writing time I get these days. If you do take the time to read it, please let me know what you think. Thank you for being here. https://candidkaty3.blogspot.com/2021//memoir-excerpt.html #memoir #writersofinstagram #wannabewriter #newblogpost #ilovewords

08.01.2022 I try so damn hard to live in the moment, to enjoy the ‘now’, to be present and mindful; but I keep imagining you as a teenager, you as an adult, you with a whole life that doesn’t revolve around me, and it makes my heart ache. Don’t get me wrong, I WANT those things for you. I want you to be fulfilled and content and resilient and independent, but I miss you already. I can’t remember who wrote it or where I read it, but I saw an article that described being the mother of a ...son as akin to the world’s slowest breakup, as our little boys become men who find partners and create families and of course, their relationships with their Mums change. And apparently it’s different than it is with daughters. I don’t really know how or why, and I’m sure there are exceptions to the rule, but those words have stuck with me. I already knew that our relationship would change, of course it will, of course it should - but the thought of the gradual slipping away of the snuggles and the singing him to sleep and the things that only Mum can fix; it feels too close. Which is ridiculous, he’s still so little; but then I look back at photos of him as a baby and a toddler and I realise how much things have ALREADY changed and I want to simultaneously freeze time while also seeing who this beautiful boy of mine will grow into. It’s all such a privilege and I am beyond grateful that I am the one who gets to experience it with you, baby Isaac. See more

07.01.2022 I see you We had a little party for Isaac’s birthday today and I realised that the last time I saw Gary alive, was at Isaac’s party last year. Realisations like that, make my breath catch in my throat and my stomach lurches in a way I had never experienced before we lost him. ... I feel this pressure to stop talking about him so much, but I can’t. And I don’t want to. People like me, who so openly share their feelings (allllll the feelings) can easily be misunderstood. Seen as inauthentic, even; but I couldn’t be more real, I promise. I can feel change in my life and my perspective so much lately; and it’s uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable. Nothing seems easy right now. My chest is tight and my brain is messy and I miss my brother. I miss him so much. And it’s hard. It’s OK to feel that, and it’s OK to admit that.

01.01.2022 Struggling with any kind of mental illness has historically been shrouded in shame, fear, guilt and intense loneliness. The reality is, if I was living this life in the not-so-distant past, I would have been institutionalised. Locked away. Isaac taken from me. It’s unbearable to think about, but it’s the truth. We have come so far, but there is still so much work to do, to normalise talking about depression, anxiety, PTSD, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, and the li...st goes on. I listened to a podcast this week where @missmayim spoke with @glennondoyle and the issues they discussed resonated with me so much. I felt validated and reassured by the knowledge that I am not alone in this fight. I mean, I KNEW I wasn’t alone, but hearing it made me feel so comforted. That other people feel the same way I do. That they talk about it openly like I do. I wrote this sentence in the memoir I’m working on just a few days ago, and its truth shines through now more than ever. Turning pain into purpose is something I am so passionate about, and if I can help even one person feel the way that podcast episode made me feel; then that’s good enough for me See more