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Desley Thomas Property

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11.01.2022 I sold a house to a couple who seemed to be quite normal at the time. The sellers were champing at the bit to move on to their new life and these buyers needed to get their kids into the local private school before close of business for the year. So we arrived at a price both agreed on. The house was was tightly tucked into a corner block, with a neighboring house sitting very close. Their driveway was very close to the neighbors’ driveway. A few weeks after settlement, the... buyers made a very unfriendly visit to my office, demanding to see me. WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL US ABOUT THE BUS!!!!! I’m thinking Bus? Bus?, as I thought I must be on Australia’s Funniest Videos. Going by their faces, I knew I wasn’t. As it turned out, their close neighbors had a minibus used for their business. They had been parking it down the street so as not to impede the sellers’ access to their driveway out of courtesy, as they had got along well. The new owners were a precious pair and it wasn’t long before they had a run in with the neighbors. I had no idea about THE BUS, prior to this. The neighbors decided to park their bus across their driveway (which Council said they had a right to) and whenever this precious pair reversed out of their garage, they had to suck their cheeks, bums and bellies in and make sure they were going straight so as not to hit THE BUS.! The neighbors must have had the best laugh they’d had in ages. A few weeks after their visit to my office, I was watching A Current Affair, and there they were! Banging on about THE BUS! OMG! I was about to be lynched on national TV! My faith in God was restored when they said We don’t think the agent (who they didn’t name) knew anything about this.

10.01.2022 Inspection of a two storey home with a gay kiwi couple. Both he and he were the nicest buyers. They did however mention the possibility of snakes as this property backed onto a little creek, and, well, when it gets hot, snakes like to frequent these spots. ‘We don’t want SNAKES anywhere near us!’ said one of the buyers to me. In NZ as we know, snakes aren’t an issue. All good. They inspected the lower floor, took out tape measures, yep yep our furniture will fit. Kitchen... needs a reno but that’s okay. They were very excited. Upstairs we go. Out again comes the tape measure.... ‘darling! I think we’ve found our new home!’ I looked out of the master bedroom window to appreciate the view of the pool below and said ‘what a lovely outlook guys!’ They hustled forward to look, as I realised my mistake. Well here was a three metre long harmless carpet snake, the biggest I’d ever seen, sprawled along the back fence within a metre of the pool, basking in the sun. It was such a beautiful creature! My buyers had a cursory glance outside and didn’t see the snake. I was torn between being an honest agent (of course we are!) and negotiating between them and the sellers to make both happy, as the buyers were so keen. I took them back downstairs and showed them the resident snake. They sped away in their convertible like their arses were on fire. I sold the property two weeks later to a nature loving family.

02.01.2022 Driving back to the office on Forest Lake Boulevard, this dick was ducking and weaving over the two lanes, trying his hardest to get a metre ahead of everybody else, as dicks like these tend to do. He was behind me in the right hand lane in his old black four wheel drive and a car was next to me in the left hand lane. I’m loving this. I hate idiots like these. Let’s have some fun here. Both me and the other car were doing the 60k limit, I kept level with the other car and... this turkey behind me was shaking his fist, willing me to die. Rev rev rev rev . I waved at him in my rear vision window. He gave me the finger. He finally got ahead (got to get that metre in front, cos I’m THE MAN!) and roared down the Boulevard. His testosterone and stupidity mix turned into dollars spent as he was pulled over and booked by speed cops. I couldn’t help myself rolling down my window as I drove past him being booked, and wooohooed loudly, like a badass bitch from the Bronx and gave him back the finger. God, it felt GOOD. I got back to the office and was telling a colleague about this, having a great laugh, when I saw from the office window, this lunatic screeching into the car park and pulling up behind my car. Oh God! He remembers my car! He’s after me! I was terrified and I fled into the back of the office as he pushed through the office door. I heard him shout to my colleague. There’s speed cops just over there! The bastards got me, because of a f...ing bitch driver! Gee mate, that’s bad luck, my colleague said (hoping we’d both go home alive). Old mate had full sleeve tattoos on both arms and more on his neck, a shaved head, and so many piercings it was a wonder he could hold water. Yeah, he said, Anyway, I want to sell me f....ing house. Although I was on the sale roster at that time, I gladly gave it to another agent. After.