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23.01.2022 JUSTIN LEPPITSCH decides to put whole side on ice for season and bring back the 2003 premiership side after Collingwood loss. Leppitsch has fired at his squad after another dismal showing against Collingwood at the Gabba. "Fuck it, what's the use? They're all shit or spend more time in the stands than the cheer squad. The cheer squad are actually pushing for a spot, they're showing commitment and passion." With the lions anchored to the bottom four and seemingly going nowhere...Continue reading
23.01.2022 AFL considering 18 team finals series to keep fans interested AFL chief Gillion McClauchlan today spoke at AFL house about the prospects of having an all inclusive finals series. "Fans of the big clubs like Richmond, Collingwood, Carlton & Essendon are really crying out for their teams to make finals" Mclauchlan said. With many interstate teams and Victorian teams with lower fan bases all but locked in to make the AFL finals this year the league head honchos have decided that... enough is enough and that the big afl clubs will play finals every season to maximise crowds and television revenue. When pressed by Dingo Sports Australia report Barry Barryson about the prospects of the entire regular season being a waste of time McLachlan said "look at the NBL in America they have a 16 team playoffs and it works fine for them. We at the afl believe that an 18 team finals series will allow us to expand our brand internationally by being about on par with the major American leagues like the NBL and the AFL over there" "Ideally this plan would see us maximising the opportunity for every team to have a crack at finals footy and to really get that experience that's required in the big match. I don't know about you guys but I can't wait for week one of the finals when Essendon takes on Carlton in front of a full house at the G and Brisbane takes on the Gold Coast in a Q clash final at the Gabba. From that they would get a chance to move on to week 2 of the 8 week finals series where they would play against either Fremantle or Melbourne! I think the fans want this and it's a step forward for our game."
21.01.2022 JOHN WORSFOLD says that Jobe Watson's skill with a coffee machine could come in handy for Essendon as they look for new supplements in 2017. "Yeah look mate I had a latté that Jobe made a few weeks ago, he sent it over with express postage from New York and I tell ya what, it wasn't too bad. Jobe can obviously do a lot with a coffee machine and we'd be happy to have him back here next season whether it's as club captain or barista it doesn't really matter, things can't exactl...y get any worse at this point. The caffeine as well can really help to get the boys up and about before big games and training" Worsfold said. He went on to describe the bombers season as "fucking putrid" and that their list currently was about as skill-full as a McDonald's barista and that Jobe coming back would really help to add a bit of creme to a team desperately in need of a long macchiato. "I think what Jobe has learnt over in New York could be really valuable for the club, it's always been really hard to get good coffee around the windy hill area so we're all pretty stoked about the prospect of having him as the new tea & coffee lady at the club. I've even put him in contact with Sharon who runs the canteen and she's pretty excited about having a competitor like Jobe added to the list there in the canteen. He can add a lot of skill and heart to the canteen that far too often serves up substandard performances, I mean how the fuck do they stuff up a long black? All you need to do is put boiling water in first then add a shot, or a double shot if you're a sick cunt like me."
17.01.2022 CARLTONS ENTIRE LIST TO HAWTHORN, SYDNEY & GEELONG? After the announcements today that both Zach Touhey and Bryce Gibbs would be seeking greener pastures in the 2016 trade period the Carlton Football Club is in a state of disarray as rumours circulate that the rest of Carlton's list would also be seeking to move to hawthorn, Sydney or Geelong as they attempt to push for a flag. Dingo sports reporter Darren Darrenson spoke to blues captain Marc Murphy about the rumours: DD: "...so murph any truth to the rumours?" MM: "well mate you know what they say no smoke without fire & we've been spending a lot of time with Dane swan recently" DD: "so why the reason for the exodus mate?" #carlton #afl #tradeperiod2016 MM: "basically mate ever since we recruited Daisy Thomas the boys haven't been able to get out the door quick enough, him and Liam Jones are walking around with a bit of a strut now they know they're in the best 22 next season" DD: "who do you think will take over?" MM: "rumours are that Kouta will be making a comeback and sharing the role with that nice gorilla from the souvlaki as he was in" DD: "well fuck me dead" The 2016 trade period shapes as a truly challenging one for the blues who are reported to be hoping that with Liam Jones, Kouta and that gorilla at the helm they'll be able to surge back up the ladder in 2017 to defy the afl in their own western Bulldogs & Leicester city inspired charge.
13.01.2022 LOCAL AUSSIE BLOKE frustrated about having to spend time with his wife while the supercoach website is down Adam Adamson 29 of Hawthorn like many other afl fans was highly distressed this Sunday night as he could not access the supercoach website after the lockout ended due to the servers being down. Adamson was faced with the daunting prospect of having to speak to his wife Emily for more than 5 minutes as he vigorously clicked refresh over and over whilst simultaneously be...coming more agitated. "It's just fucking bullshit, I spend my whole weekend ignoring my wife and life in general, tweaking my supercoach team and checking scores and now this happens and I have to talk to her." Said Adamson. Reports are that many Aussie blokes throughout the country nervously spent the 5 minutes that the website was down having to contemplate real life and stressing that they did not know whether they had beaten Mark Robertson in their league match. According to lifeline, 3 men even called lifeline in their hour of need whilst the website was down and received counselling aimed at refocusing on reality.
13.01.2022 NICK KYRGIOS goes whole match without being a dickhead Young Aussie tennis star Nick Kyrgios has managed to avoid being a dickhead for an entire match at the ongoing Wimbledon championships. The nature of Kyrgios in his first round match has been met with surprise by many in the tennis community, his mentor and fellow dickhead Mark "the poo" Philipousis said to Dingo Sports Australia that he couldn't believe his ongoing training with Kyrgios had lead to behaviour more akin to... every other player on the tour "I don't know what the fuck he's doing to be honest, I think it could be time that we set up another series of the age of love with Nick as the star." Kyrgios is reportedly furious at recent reports that Bernard Tomic is currently being considered for dickhead of the tournament - an award that Kyrgios himself has won 3 times now, after his recent "retard" comments have been panned by many in the tennis community. "I'm really going to have to step up my game a bit here, I'm thinking about maybe throwing a match or playing a whole match hitting the ball with the handle, I can't lose my crown right now"
09.01.2022 NATHAN BUCKLEY instructs players to kick it to Pendlebury for supercoach points Collingwood players have been buoyed by a dominant victory over the Brisbane Lions at the Gabba on the weekend and if they can continue the good form they showed might be a chance to sneak into the final 8 just yet. The AFL is an ever changing game these days and Nathan Buckley has commanded a change in tactics for the pies this week for their clash with Geelong at the MCG. Reporter and diehard C...ollingwood fan Darren "Dazza" Darrenson spoke to Buckley at training today. DD: Bucks, what's the new tactic for the big game against the cats? NB: Gday Dazza, yeah look this week there's a couple of big matches not only this one at the MCG but I'm up against Mark Robertson in supercoach and a top 4 place could be riding on the result of this game. DD: So with that in mind what will your tactics be this week? NB: Well to put it simply we haven't got a chance of beating Geelong so I've decided to put my hopes on supercoach this week, Robbo is a fucking prick as well so he needs to be taken down a few pegs. With that in mind I've instructed the boys to give the ball to Pendles at all costs, he's my captain this week so if he gets a big score I should knock off Robbo DD: Surely the boys could fire up and get both done? Will you target any Geelong players? Patrick Dangerfield & Selwood for example NB: Nah look mate they've got Buckleys. If by targetting Danger and Selwood you mean kicking the ball to them, then yes, that's what we're going to do, I don't fuck around with Supercoach. I really need the points to get over the line. I picked up Corey Enright for fucking Brodie Smith who only got 22 last weekend so hopefully he can get a lot of the ball. DD: Any Collingwood players you expect to score well? NB: Well of course there's Pendles mate I mean make him your fucking captain this week I'm expecting 250 pre scaling. Don't even worry about doing a loophole or any of that shit just give the man the bloody C. Mason Cox and Smith will be important too, they've been pretty solid cash cows thus far so hopefully they can keep on going this weekend before I upgrade them to premiums. DD: And how've you seen the season thus far? NB: In regards to our season it's been pretty solid so far I'm just outside the 4 and have won most of the games. Dane Swan going down really hurt me though, no one likes to see one of their premiums go out early in the season it's just fucking annoying having to burn a trade so early on. DD: Amazing insights, thanks for your time Bucks. NB: Cheers cunt.
05.01.2022 SHANE WARNE moves on to Geoffrey Edelstein after missing out on Brynne After the media circus that has surrounded cricket legend Shane Warne's recent late night escapades with Brynne Edelstein you could be forgiven for thinking that the spin King would want to stay out of the limelight for a while. Of course this is Shane Warne we are talking about and when he doesn't let his bowling do the talking his rapid fire text messaging does it for him. After the late night antics wit...h Brynne Edelstein where Warne was shown to have been in his own words set to "devour" her Warne was left looking rather red faced and a tad pathetic after a new idea article exposing the whole affair. Now that Warne has missed out on a night with Brynne he has reportedly decided to go after the next best thing in her former husband, Geoffrey Edelstein, the 74 year old dodgy doctor and former owner of the Syndey Swans football club. Warne reportedly sent him a series of lurid text messages in the following conversation; Warne: "come on Geoffrey, how bout I bowl you over, straight through the middle stump. I can get anything to turn you know ;)" Edelstein: "who is this?" Warne: "it's the one and only spin King, there's plenty of grass on the pitch and I'm aiming for the rough ;)" Edelstein: "Who?" Warne: "the one and only Shane Keith Warne, how about it? I was already the first to get to 700 wickets and now I want to top score with you" Edelstein: "please leave me alone." Warne: "you'll come around, maybe it'll be caught behind ;)" Warne: "Geoffrey, you can be Langer and I'll be Matty Hayden." Edelstein told Dingo Sports Australia that the text messages from Warne left him confused and worried for his safety. Warne on the other hand told Dingo Sports Australia that he was just trying to get Edelstein to help him work on a new charity entitled "spinners are grinners: kids camps" where Warne would take sick kids out to the bush and teach them the art of spin bowling, fast texting and how to best make his favourite pizza, the dirty rotten. (Which coincidentally featured in another text message that was too obscene to be printed) There is no doubting that we will be hearing more from this saga in the coming days, in the words of Shane Warne himself "Shane Warne is a big fucking deal."
05.01.2022 CHANNEL 7 commentators go whole quarter without mentioning Cyril Rioli and Paul Puopolo Cyril Rioli is of course a gifted footballer as we all know, a man of mercurial skill and one of the most marketable players in the AFL. That's not all there is to the 2015 Norm Smith medalist, he's long been a favourite of many Hawks and AFL fans in general but the channel 7 commentary around Cyril Rioli is reminiscent of Bill Lawry's love of Shane Warne and Merv Hughes or maybe that of a... father after the birth of his first child. Which is why it came to great surprise to us here at Dingo Sports Australia that during last Sunday afternoon's telecast of Melbourne and the Western Bulldogs Cyril was barely mentioned. This was especially surprising given Melbourne have a number of indigenous players in their team including Neville Jetta. In fact aside from a few lazy and racially based mentions of Cyril whenever an indigenous player got the ball it was one a relatively Cyril free afternoon. Bruce McAveny spoke briefly to Dingo Sports and was clearly disappointed in his team "yeah look I just couldn't believe it from Hamish and Basil, they know that the number one rule is mention Cyril, it shouldn't be that hard we have a framed picture of him on the desk in front of us during every call we make. We'll move on though, we're taking it one week at a time and I've decided to call next week's game Cyrilmania. We're not going to show the game and just have the highlights of Cyril's career going. It'll be a bit similar to how Foxtel have press red for Ed on Collingwood games we're now going to have press green for Cyril where the commentary of the whole match will be Cyril related."
