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25.01.2022 It's like being encircled by skyscrapers as they simultaneously crumble to the ground. What strength do you have to stop them, to avoid the dust filling your lu...ngs, or to avoid the fear of being crushed? I've just hit the last year of my 20's and it's been a decade that was nothing like I'd wished, hoped or worked for. It's been a decade that has so often left me feeling weak, pathetic and alone. A decade that has been underlined by a dread of waking up again. Panic ruled my days, but panic over nothing in particular. Leaving me to attempt to "guess" its cause. Slowly, I eliminated everything that brought meaning to my life. In a desperate attempt, a desperate hope, that fresh air might be found. But no one thing held the fear. I didn't want a mental illness, I wanted to be strong, to love, to live. Everything that was meant to make my 20's great, made them dark. I had no direction, no purpose and all because a fear injected panic pierced my brain and seeped into every limb and organ. I didn't feel excitement or desire, love or compassion. I felt black and desperately wanted light. I dropped to my knees time and time again, literally begging God to give me life and peace, or to take me in the night. I'd grown up believing in waiting till marriage for sex, believing it would make it better, increase connection. That I would love one woman generously and passionately. But I couldn't love at all, I couldn't escape my constricted mind. It was like a ratchet strap was wrapped around my brain and continued to be tightened click by click. At every attempt of a relationship, affection and desire were stolen away with fear. I wanted to find one person and love them for life. Yet I couldn't love for a day without gasping for air. Desire and affection could exist for a moment. They could rise above the fog briefly, but this only made it worse, destined to be stripped away. In later years I've learnt to allow life to be different. To allow sex to play a different role than I'd once thought. To allow it to play a role at all. I've managed enjoyable and respectful experiences. In all cases, the women I have been with have been sensitive and caring, even when I have panicked afterwards or been consumed with fear and guilt. How strange it has been to find echoes of life in moments I once thought disgraceful. Slowly, I've exposed myself to life, not to the life I'd imagined, but the one in front of me. Allowing my world to be vastly different than envisioned. The fear subsiding just a little more when I don't run, but face it. My 20's have been hard, I don't expect my 9th and final year in them will be any different. All I can do, is to try and continue to find the courage to face the world. To find life in the struggle to manage better.

13.01.2022 Popolnoma je prevzelo moje možgane in v meni vzbudilo strah in samoto. Šepetalo mi je, Ni upanja odnehaj, predaj se. I've had this article (originally writt...en for RIDE Media in Australia) translated into Slovenian. Hopefully giving interested Slovenian's a better insight into my experience and the background of HeadCrack, a sponsor of Continental Cycling Team Ljubljana Gusto Xaurum Kar šest let sta me brez predaha preganjala stiska in depresija. Najprej nisem vedel, kaj se dogaja. Zaradi svojih obutkov sem se sovražil, saj sem bil brez empatije in brez vsakega kanka upanja. Ko sem se enkrat zavedal, da se spopadam z duševno boleznijo, jet a že popolnoma uniila moje življenje. Opustil sem vse, kar sem nekdaj imel rad s kolesom se nisem mogel sooiti. O odnosu sploh nisem mogel razmišljati. Vedno sem mislil, da so prav tako vzroki neprestanega strahu, a nato sem spoznal, da so pravzaprav žrtve le tega. Kolesarstva nisem želel opustiti, zato sem se poskusil boriti, a ni mi uspelo. Prevozil sem 10 km, se ustavil ob cesti, snel svojo elado in vso gnilobo stresel s svoje glave. Želel sem jokati, toda solze nikoli niso padle. Svojo prvo UCI turo sem prevozil poln obutka stiske, ki se je skoraj prelevila v paniko. Nisem uspel doloiti, zakaj sem tako nervozen. Stiska je bila splošna in nepopustljiva. Imel sem obutek, kot da je na moje možgane pritrjen nekakšen vakuum, ki ni popušal in je z mene srkal vso voljo po življenju. Nisem vedel, kaj lahko storim. Vse vožnje so postale enake temne, paralizirana in brez kakšrnega koli trenutka sprostitve. Ekipa, s katero sem predhodno sklenil pogodbo, je v enem letu trikrat propadla in se ponovno ustanovila. S tem se nisem mogel sooiti. Mislil sem, da je to preprosto šport, ki ga ne morem odpravljati ve. Tako sem se upokojil Imel sem 19 let! Ob tem sem opazoval Rohan Dennisa, Jack Bobberidga in Travis Myera, ki so vsi napredovali in podpisali profesionalne pogodbe. Pred nekaj leti sem tudi sam vozil ob njihovi stani na Svetovnem prvenstvu v cestnem prometu. Seveda nisem bil tako dober, kot oni, a kljub temu sem upal na prihodnost, ki bi vkljuevala kolesarjenje. Zdaj kolesa sploh nisem mogel pogledati le hiter pogled je povzroil nekontrolirano bitje srca in tesen obutek v prsih, kot tudi omotico in nepreminost. Vse skupaj je moj sram le še bolj poslabšalo. V meni se je pojavil grenak in hladen obutek. Dale od življenja. Dale od upanja. Pogled na druge, ki so v športu napredovali, je bolel. Bolelo me je že ko sem videl druge ljudi, ki so vozili svoje kolo, jaz pa ga nisem mogel in nisem vedel zakaj. e vse skupaj povzamem kolesarstvo je bilo nekaj, kar je definiralo mojo identiteto in mi je pomagalo pobegniti pred obutkom nezmožnosti v šoli. Predstavljalo je moj pobeg pred stisko, ki sem jo obutil, ko se nisem udeležil zabave ali odšel na zmenek Oprosti, ne morem priti, saj treniram. To je bila moja odrešitev. Ko je vse skupaj izginilo, sem padel dale v globine. Vsako no sem zaspal z obutkom izjemne teže, ki ni izginila tudi do jutra, ko sem se zbudil takrat sem obutil izjemno težo, ki je obremenjevala tako moj um kot tudi moje telo. Preprosto se nisem želel zbuditi želel sem si, da bi se moje življenje konalo. Šele ko sem sprejel klic svojega oeta, ki mi je sporoil novico, da ima raka prostate, ki je že tako napredoval, da ima le še dve leti življenja, sem se odloil, da poišem pomo. Ko mi je povedal novico nisem obutil niesar bil sem prazen. Enaka praznina, ki sem jo obutil vsak dan. Vedel sem, da imam oeta rad in vedel, da ga moram imeti, a tega preprosto nisem obutil. Bil sem ravnodušen. Poutil sem se kot da sem popolnoma brezsren. Obiskal sem svojega zdravnika, ki mi je predpisal zdravila, ki jih nisem želel. Kljub moji otrplosti se je v meni še vedno vzbudil obutek sramu in degradacije. Prva zdravila, ki sem jih poskusil, niso imela uinka. Druga so prinesla le stranske uinke brez kakršnega koli pozitivnega vpliva. Kljub temu sem jih še vedno jemal in nenehno upal, da bodo prinesle rezultat. Bil sem razoaran, a konno so prinesla nekakšno olajšanje. Ve let sem bežal pred svojo težavo in upal, da bosta stiska in depresija preprosto izginila, a vsako jutro sem jo ponovno zautil v svojih kosteh. Prepotoval sem svet in upal da bom našel tisto, kar me osreuje. Stal sem na ve sto pomembnih znamenitostih, a kljub temu sem v sebi obutil le praznino, od katere preprosto nisem uspel pobegniti. Nisem se mogel skriti. Štiri leta po tem, ko sem opustil svoj šport sem se odloil, da ponovno poskusim. Ne zato, ker sem se boljše poutil, a zato, ker sem konno razumel, da moja težava ni šport moje duševne bolezni so loene od mojih okolišin. Ta del mene preprosto ne bo nikoli ‘izginil.’ Uvidel sem, da je edini nain, kako iti naprej to, da se nauim živeti s svojo boleznijo. Moj cilj nista bila uspešnost in strukturirano treniranje. Nisem se želel vrniti v tekmovalne vode. V svoje življenje sem preprosto skušal vrniti nekaj, kar je predstavljalo velik del moje osebnosti kolesarstvo. Zdaj so od moje odloitve minila 4 leta in še vedno nisem ozdravljen, a nauil sem se, kako živeti s svojo boleznijo. Vasih živim tako, da celo pozabim, da je bolezen moje življenje unievala dolgih 6 let. Obasno se poutim popolnoma potopljen v svoje življenje in živim v trenutku, a spet drugi se poutim slabše, kot kdaj koli prej. Kolo je postalo moja uilnica - test mojega življenja. Je dinamini šport, ki zahteva poudarek na držo ter znanje o sprošanju za veje in manjše napore. Veja koliina stresa. So nekateri trenutki, ko moraš brez razmišljanja reagirati in preprosto uporabiti svoje instinkte. Gre za konstanten, a nepredvidljiv cikel. Neko majhno življenje, ki ga nadziramo kljub svojim obutkom. S pomojo svojega trenerja Mark Windsorja, moje psihologinje Susette Sowden in Gusto Xauruma v Ljubljani kolo uporabljam zato, da poskusim boljše razumeti sebe in svoje življenje. Da stres in negotovost uporabim za izboljšanje svojih vešin, ki jih skušam povrniti v svoje življenje. Kolesarstvo predstavlja igro upravljanja uma in odziva telesa na stresorje, kar velja tudi za moje življenje. NB. Oe je še vedno zdrav in z mano 9 let po prejeti 2-letni diagnozi. Xaurum Official Kolesarsko društvo Rog ProAction Slovenija Visit Ljubljana Peugeot Gusto Japan Gusto Malaysia Gusto Taiwan BTC City Maraton Franja BTC City BTC City Ljubljana Team Berk Composites Eddy Kontelj Orange Cycle Club Bathurst Cycling Club

11.01.2022 Managing mental health better should not be reserved for those struggling. Everyone can benifit. #crackthelid Continental Cycling Team Ljubljana Gusto Xaurum Xaurum Official Gusto Japan Gusto Malaysia Gusto Taiwan #addingvalue

07.01.2022 I stood in the dark as my world crumbled. I didn't want to go inside and I didn't want to stay outside. I wanted to drop to my knees and cry, but not a tear wo...uld fall. No traumatic event had happened - in fact - for an observer, my world looked great. I'd finished High School, recently returned from representing Australia at the junior World Championships, signed with a Continental Cycling Team and been accepted into University. Still, I wanted nothing more then to be dead. Fear had lingered at my door for some time. But on this night, the door was knocked off its hinges and panic rushed in. I didn't know what to do, I didn’t want to do anything. Every moment ahead seemed to be burdened by an invisible weight. One I didn’t think I could carry, that I didn't want to try and carry. I felt pathetic and petrified. I wanted to be strong, I wanted to face it, to pursue the goals I'd once valued. But, I found no value in anything and that’s not a great foundation for strength. Forcing myself inside, I clenched my eyes shut, hoped for sleep and begged to god this shadow would pass. It was 3 years before I sought help or verbalised this ever present absence of life. It's been another 9 years since that and I'm not fixed. Not by a long shot. But I’m managing better and better. This only happened after admitting I had a problem. I could finish this post here, but It seems something is missing. Like the depths of my disgust in myself have been glossed over and made palatable and generic. My loss of purpose had led to bitterness and jealousy. I couldn't bare the thought of people enjoying what I had once loved. I was jealous of my girlfriend and the direction she had for the future. Jealous of anyone that enjoyed riding their bike. I hated seeing people achieve. I had spent years trying to prove my worth to the world and myself. But, it began to feel pointless and fruitless, the pursuit was empty, life was empty. These feelings consumed me, I didn’t want them. I didn’t want to be jealous and bitter, I prayed it would go. I stood in churches hands to the sky literally begging God to untangle the mess of my mind. To bring comfort and peace. Every time, I left more and more desperate, with no respite, just an ever increasing dread of having to live with my thoughts. I hated myself but couldn’t switch off the resentment. I faked life for years. I know exactly what its like to want to be dead. To not want to face the parts of you that are dark and vengeful. I’d want to find whatever fault in people I could. I didn’t verbalise it, but in my mind I'd drag them down. Desperately trying to bring them low enough that I could scramble on top and feel like I was something, somebody. It just served to make the web thicker and my mind more alone and dark. Fear can be used as a polite way of summarising a destructive despair. A clutter of inexcusable thoughts and an inability to escape them. It was not just a fog of nothingness that numbed me to the world but also a fear of myself.

06.01.2022 Tour of Slovenia starts today, Very cool to be sponsoring a team that challenges themselves in a race against some of the best riders in the world! #crackthelid