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Shaping Lives NT

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25.01.2022 I WANT TO BE ALONE. I FEEL LONELY. (Huge difference!) 'Being Alone’ is often a choice. It feels comfortable, a relief, a need.... BUT - Why does ‘Being Lonely’ seem to carry such a stigma, when 1:4 Australian adults feel lonely at times? It seems to be even harder to admit than ‘Being Depressed’ & seems to hurt more than most feelings. (It has very little to do with how many friends we have.) WHAT IS LONELINESS? It’s a distressing, uncomfortable feeling inside: of disconnection, alienation, isolation which feels like it is somehow our fault - we are unlikeable, a loser, weird. WHEN AM I MOST LIKELY TO FEEL LONELY? * I move to a new place or school (esp. Rural/Remote) * My partner dies (esp. if partner is < 65 yrs. old) * My parents separate * I lose my job or a long-held dream * I outgrow a friendship group * I am Carer for a parent/sibling * My health difficulty/difference isolates me * I don’t fit in (I look/sound/think different) WHAT CAN I DO? - Don't compare myself with others - Write stuff down - get to know myself better - Spend time in Nature - Hang out with pets - Think positively, don’t overthink - Do regular low-impact exercise - Find opportunities to get involved (Meetup group/bushwalking/choir) - Volunteer - Professional Help (Headspace/Kids Helpline/Lifeline/Q Life/‘Reachout’ forums on- line * Transient loneliness is a part of life * Lasting loneliness can be a prompt to change behaviour, to pay more attention to a relationship If you’d like to find out more about HOW to change things - www.shapinglivesnt.com.au I Can help you. Contact me today.

25.01.2022 We can all relate to what FEAR feels like (racing heart, rapid breathing, sweating, dizziness, dry mouth etc.) Fear & Anxiety are close friends - in fact Anxiety is actually a ‘type' of Fear. Of course Fear itself isn’t entirely negative, since it also serves a pretty important purpose, as a ‘freeze, fight, or flight’ response defending ourselves from danger.... But where danger CAN be real, fear actually ISN'T - it’s an emotion, existing only in our thoughts of the future. UPCOMING 2 Blogs: 1. 10 Physical symptoms of Fear that may surprise you! 2. 5 Helpful steps to manage our fears in a healthy, productive way. Changing the Way we think, changes Everything!

24.01.2022 MY FRIEND IS AN EMOTIONAL MESS. 9 SIMPLE ‘LISTENING’ GUIDELINES - THAT CAN HELP ME REALLY SHOW MY CARE & SUPPORT.... ** Some Facts about ‘Listening’: - Most people don’t listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply. - You can’t Truly listen to anyone, and do anything else at the same time. ** 9 simple ‘Listening’ guidelines: Listen with All of your senses. Concentrate, and remember what is being said. Be patient, don’t interrupt, and don’t suggest ‘solutions’. Focus on your friend’s ‘feelings’. Listen for how your friend wants to ‘feel’ heard. Listen without jumping to conclusions. Pay attention to what isn’t being said (e.g. body language / tone of voice). Show understanding by allowing yourself to Feel what it is like to Be your friend at that moment. Give some feedback proof that you Are listening.

24.01.2022 I CAN GET SO ANGRY, SO FAST, SOMETIMES. How Do I Know If This Is OK? A. 'Healthy Anger’ is an extremely important emotion. It helps us care for ourselves when we’re offended or wronged. B. ‘Unhealthy Anger'(Rage) however, is a highly destructive emotion.... What's The Difference? My Healthy anger: A. Is about ME, a primary emotion about the PRESENT, a conscious process. It only takes minutes for me to feel & express, is healing not hurtful, clears the air, helps understanding & communication, is not positive or negative, shows appreciation/respect. It's geared towards a Win/Win outcome. I RESPOND actively in proportion to the situation & know what I’m saying/doing. I use words like ’sometimes’ & ‘occasionally’. I say ‘I have a problem, & I’M seeking a solution.' My Unhealthy anger (Rage): B. Is about YOU, is a mix of anger, fear, desperation, panic - grounded in the PAST. (I’ve been unable to completely deal with life experiences/trauma in a healthy way, have become more & more stressed and bottled things up. I find myself suddenly exploding with uncontrollable, misdirected rage.) It’s an unconscious process, a damaging, inappropriate REACTION. It’s exhausting, hurts everyone involved, leads to further conflict, misunderstandings, marathon arguments. It shows disrespect/disregard. It’s geared towards a Win/Lose outcome. There is a possibility of me forgetting what I say/do. I say ‘You always’ ‘You’re lying’ ‘YOU have a problem & THAT’S the problem’ - no solution in sight. So - is My anger Healthy? or - do I Need help? If you’d like to know more about How to Change things - I Can help you. Contact me today. (www.shapinglivesnt.com.au)

24.01.2022 WHAT IF: I COULD JUST LET GO OF MY NEVER-ENDING WEIGHT STRUGGLE? What is it that determines who struggles & who doesn’t? Many of us are able to accomplish so much in our family & working lives, can find success in what we put our minds to, can draw on focus & energy to achieve our desires, can even be well-educated in matters of Nutrition - & yet Still Struggle with our weight. ... All the literature suggests that weight management is influenced by (a)our genes, (b)our natural hormone/neurologic regulators, (c)our cultural influences, & (d)how much we are affected by, drawn to, or overtaken by the ‘addictive pull' of refined foods. So - which ‘Type' of eater am I? Type A - I am 'in control' of my whole eating experience. I eat, get full & follow the desire to stop when I’ve had enough. No obsessions, no binging. I may even forget to eat - only remembering when my tummy grumbles. There is peace & freedom associated with food = I am a person Without weight management or food issues. Type B - when I eat it leads to a ‘lack of control’ over what/how much I’m eating. Overpowering cravings arise, plus the feeling of never being satisfied. Thoughts of - ‘am I on the diet/off the diet?’, ‘weight’, ‘good/not good with food’ take over & occupy a much bigger amount of my life than feels right, sane or manageable. I don’t feel good in my skin. I don’t feel that I’m living my ‘right’ life = I am a person With weight management or food issues. Thank goodness our brains can be re-wired! If you’d like to find out more about How to change things - I Can help you. Contact me today. (www.shapinglivesnt.com.au) - ([email protected])

18.01.2022 WOMEN DRINKING MORE! At progressively ‘Risky’ levels! (Latest NDARC research). So, why ARE we drinking More?... * Culture (Women's Lib./Equality = OK to drink. * Increasing life stresses. * Advertising (Alcohol is marketed to women as ‘stress relief’ - just like Valium was 40 yrs ago!!! It’s a common, modern ritual in Darwin & the NT. We wait for the end of the day, to reach for that glass/bottle - to unwind, reward, shift gears. Also - TO COPE (with the stress of our thinking (from being told so often in so many ways) that we need to be ‘perfect’ or ‘superwomen’). Sometimes we find ourselves hiding the Amount we drink. We women are more likely to do ‘Emotional’ drinking if we have: * Pain * Problems with a loved one * Partner/family member with alcohol problems * Ability to drink more alcohol (in one sitting) than other people * History of clinical depression, &/or physical/sexual abuse during childhood. A. LOW RISK = < 7 drinks/week (inc. < 3 drinks on any day) B. AT RISK/HEAVY DRINKING = drinking any more than A. IMPACTS OF HEAVY DRINKING? * Emotional = Anxiety, Depression, Sleep probs., greater risk of D.V. & Sexual Assault. * Physical = greater potential issues with Breast Cancer, damage to an Unborn Child. HOW DO I KNOW IF IT’S A HABIT OR ADDICTION? *** For 9/10 women it’s a HABIT! WE can test this by ‘cutting down’: * I drink max. 2 glasses/standard drinks on Sat, Sun & one weekday ONLY. * I Don’t drink in situations where I tend to overdo it. * I Don’t let friends talk me into having 'just 1 more’. IF 'CUTTING DOWN' DOESN’T WORK? There are MANY options for help. * GP/Local Doctor. * Support Groups. * I CAN help you. Contact me today - If you’d like to know more about HOW to Change things. (www.shapinglivesnt.com.au)

14.01.2022 HELP - I RESENT MY PARTNER SO MUCH AT TIMES. I DON’T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENS! Resentment (that most Toxic of emotions) can creep into the best of intimate relationships.... ** 5 Usual Causes are:- 1. I give, but feel My needs/expectations are ignored. 2. My partner ignores/dismisses/complains about things that matter to Me. 3. Both of our rosy expectations have faded away. 4. I resent my partner for making mistakes, +/or for not being supportive/forgiving enough when I make a mistake. 5. I feel my partner is not grateful enough. ** Potential Consequences are:- Distance between us (as our emotional connection breaks) Emotional pain, Deepening resentment, Erosion of trust/commitment, Both of us giving less & less, Possibility of breakup/estrangement (wondering if it’s worth staying). ** What Can I Do? - I Can:- 1. Ask myself, is my partner the Real reason for my resentment? 2. Acknowledge my specific negative feeling(s), suggest a discussion with my partner. 3. Be honest, respectful, frank, clear about why I'm upset. 4. Willingly apologise when I’m wrong/take responsibility for my part in any conflict. 5. Avoid bringing past conflicts into the present. 6. Practise 'hearing without defending myself' with my partner. 7. Empathise if my partner expresses guilt, giving a chance to rectify any mistake & regain my trust. 8. Compromise sensibly with household responsibilities 9. Learn to forgive, accept & move on. 10. Keep any promises/commitments I have made to my partner. 11. Continue physical intimacy with my partner. 12. Phrase any complaints using ‘I’ statements, so that my partner does not feel cornered (e.g. I feel When you Can we do something ?). 13. Be patient, kind, loving, realistic & supportive. ** If problems don’t go away - ** If you’d like to know more about How to Change things - I Can help you. Contact me today.

14.01.2022 MY PARTNER HAS USED ALL THE TOWELS. NOW THERE AREN’T ANY CLEAN ONES LEFT FOR ME etc. etc. (sound familiar?) ME: I feel like my partner doesn’t listen, hear, or understand me, when I say that this bothers me. PARTNER says: ‘You’re sweating the small stuff unnecessarily’. ME: I feel upset, disappointed, defeated, fearful - because I know deep-down there’s something important missing in our conversation (& even perhaps our relationship).... WHAT DO I DO? My friends tell me: * Just keep on nagging - but I get so tired of it. * Let it go (to keep the peace & the person) - but then I know I’ll only end up bottling-up my frustration again. * Try Yoga/Meditation (so things won't keep upsetting you)- but I know, ALL I need is for my partner to really listen to me! SO WHAT’S MISSING? WHY DO I GET SO UPSET? ** The word that probably springs to mind is Respect. And if we think about any of our enviable friends/family, who seem to be enjoying a fun, strong, stable, fulfilling & growing ‘partner’ relationship - the baseline mutual respect that each couple shares is often quite obvious. WHAT’S THE ANSWER? In any important relationship (where we are really jumping into the unknown of vulnerability), irritations inevitably show up to test & bother us. From all accounts - patience, honest & respectful communication, plus some strategic time-outs, do seem to be among the agreed keys to lasting success. (I think a dose of luck in partner choice is always pretty useful too!)

12.01.2022 FEAR can show up in 10 'NOT SO OBVIOUS' ways! See below - FEAR: 1. can cause Heartburn/acid reflux - because we produce an excess of stomach acid... 2. can take away our sense of Humour & fun (we can actually use humour as one of the best ways to ease our fears) 3. can cause skin rashes/Hives - our Immune system becomes weakened from prolonged stress & anxiety 4. can prompt us to Need to fill every waking moment with a distracting or physically exhausting activity 5. can cause Cold hands & feet - because of our continuing freeze, fight or flight response 6. can make our arms & legs Tingle - because we shunt blood to those parts of our body more vital to survival 7. can cloud/overwhelm our ability to Think clearly, remember meetings/deadlines/commitments, or make decisions - because all of our energy & focus is diverted into that freeze, fight & fight response 8. can disrupt our Sleep - because our body is releasing stress hormones which don’t allow for relaxation 9. might cause us to self-Medicate - because we want to avoid the possible pain of looking at the reason for our fears. This can lead to Addiction and those related problems 10. can also show up as - Pain, severe Allergies, Chronic colds & sinus infections, Tense muscles & other ‘Unexplained’ physical symptoms. Recognising any of the above can really help us ‘manage' our fears more successfully *** There is Never any shame in asking for Help *** NEXT BLOG - 5 Helpful Steps to ‘manage' our Fears.

11.01.2022 I FIND MYSELF SO QUICK TO JUDGE OR CRITICISE. WHY? HOW CAN I CHANGE THIS? JUDGMENT & CRITICISM:... Each one has its source in Fear. It’s about control, it uses fear & manipulation to gain control. Wayne Dyer said: Recognise a judgmental thought - correct the thought Recognise a judgmental behaviour - correct the behaviour Behave in a new way So, ‘RECOGNITION’ is the first step in seeing things differently. Then - I can ask myself - Have I ever done/said something like that myself? I can look @ the ‘problem’ stored inside Me, let it go & aim for a quiet / clear mind. I can put down the burden of being a corrective hero, & simply concentrate on absorbing the journey of being alive (Mark Nepo). NON-JUDGMENTAL behaviour: Is a way of accepting people with whom we disagree. We look at What was said, instead of Who said it. DISCERNMENT however: Is an Inner knowing - sourced in genuine truth. It shares power & leads to understanding / compassion / acceptance. Changing the Way we think, changes Everything.

10.01.2022 I WISH I DIDN'T GET SO STRESSED ABOUT TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT! (People have said this to me at various times). Well, apparently, STRESS can actually even contribute to any weight loss difficulties we are having!... How many of us have said in the past: I’ve tried so many diets - High Protein, Raw Food, Ayurvedic etc. etc. I’ve done the exercising, even ended up hardly eating Anything!" Then we can find ourselves feeling that we have failed, becoming more defensive/angry if anyone mentions weight or weight loss - and of course getting more & more Stressed about the whole situation. We sometimes say, WHY don’t any of these diets work for me? Recent advances in Neuro-science explain that Stress is likely to be a Huge part of our problem! because: 1. Chronic Stress can often lead to Adrenal fatigue (Hormonal imbalance), which then triggers my body into preparing for ‘disaster’ by storing calories. plus: 2. Chronic Stress can also lead to me reaching out unconsciously for ‘comfort’ foods - most of which will tend to contain a lot of calories. *So, now it makes sense that learning how to cope with Stress in a healthy way can: * help my hormonal balance * help me to eat (consciously & unconsciously) in a healthy way * help me to reach/maintain my desired weight. Up-to-date info. on techniques for Stress management/reduction is readily available on-line. These techniques can include: Relaxation/Meditation/Yoga/Tai Chi/Stretching/Breathing techniques/Socialising/Hobbies/Tuning in to my body/Laughter/Music/Art/Walking in Nature/Exercise/Journalling. Professional help is also available: * Local doctor * Alternative/Holistic Practitioner (shapinglivesnt.com.au)

09.01.2022 8 PEOPLE DESCRIBE A ‘TRUE FRIEND’. My True Friend: - Knows exactly what I’m thinking about, just by taking one quick look at me.... - Says that if we separate, nothing will change. - Sometimes provides all the Therapy I need. - Loves me, when I forget to love myself. - Can tell me things I don’t want to tell myself. - Tells me that sometimes my wrong choice brings me to the right place. - Gives me the kind of hugs where I can physically feel the sadness leaving my body. - Tells me that if I am lucky enough to be different, I must never change. ** If I ever feel that I don’t HAVE a True Friend, I do know how to BE a True Friend.

07.01.2022 PERSONAL POWER - What is it Really? How do contemporary Inspirational Writers & Poets describe it? Here’s some random examples: ... * ‘I define myself by choosing How I want to be’ * ‘My Mind determines the quality of my life’ * ‘I may not be able to choose my first thought or action, but I can Always choose my second one' * ‘The primary cause of my unhappiness is never a situation but my Thoughts about it' * ‘Tragedy stays alive when I Feel what’s been done to me, Peace comes alive when I Live fully with the result' * ‘I Can put down the burden of being a corrective hero, and simply concentrate on absorbing the journey of being alive' * ‘In order to Accept myself, I ask myself how much pain do I have to go through?' * ‘I can Never resolve a problem by condemning it' * ‘I’ve Decided that it’s better to be kind, peaceful, gentle, joyful - than right' * ‘If I can Change my thoughts, I can change my life & my world'

07.01.2022 IMAGINATION IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN KNOWLEDGE. (Einstein) How TRUE is this? In making ‘Breakthroughs’ - ABSOLUTELY!... WHY? Our knowledge can become so ingrained that we don’t recognise it as being limited, something that we learned from someone else. SO - If we want to look further, we need greater height. That greater height can be achieved by ‘jumping’ where we are. And that jump = IMAGINATION! We need Imagination in order to acquire New knowledge, solve problems & see the bigger picture. We can’t know something is possible or impossible until we try it - and without Imagination / Intuition / Inspiration, it would never occur to us to try it! ** It takes Imagination to change How we think, and this change can change our lives & our world.

05.01.2022 Can’t resist this one!

05.01.2022 When someone asks me "How will I know if I’m Really ready to change something?" (e.g. learn new skill/lose old habit/find new purpose) I suggest that they can ask themselves these 5 baseline questions:... * What DON’T I want anymore in my life? * What DO I want instead? - I know it has to be for Me. - I may need to keep asking myself this over & over until I finally get a ‘clear' answer. * What will getting this done Do for me? * What’s the First step I need to take? * Am I really willing to take that first step? Now they are likely to have a clearer idea about whether they're Really ready to look @ that change.

03.01.2022 5 Steps To Help Us Manage Our Fears We can: 1. Pay attention to ourselves - to better understand, anticipate & manage our emotional reactions & behaviours... 2. Manage any arising ‘Immediate’ emotions - lowering any stress, anxiety, fear & anger, by choosing ‘consciously’ to breathe deeply & steadily 3. Actively problem-solve, using small steps (e. g. learn more about that ‘fearful situation) - with more knowledge we can often find that our viewpoint changes 4. Ask for support from family/friends 5. Recognise if/when we actually need to bite the bullet & look for Professional help (GP/Holistic Health Practitioner etc.) "A change of Feeling is a change of Destiny" (Neville)

02.01.2022 * Is being ’stressed’ Really a choice? * According to Dr. Susan Biali (Psychology Today, May 2012) 'stress management is nothing more than making one simple decision'. * We Know that stress is a part of life. ... * We Know that we are expected to be able to handle it. * However, there are actually 2 types of stress: 1. Short-term stress - can motivate us to deal effectively with a short-term challenging situation &, like Dr. Biali, I believe we certainly Can choose in this case to slow down & be calm. 2. Long-term stress - (chronic/day-after-day stress) on the other hand, is very different. It may well have hurtful effects on our body & mind, health & wellbeing. We can become at risk of addictive behaviours, anxiety/depression, sleep difficulties, self-injury, obesity & other eating problems, digestive problems, & lower immunity to colds & other illnesses. Our body can be tired, & saying ‘Do something’, & our mind can be spinning, saying ‘I don’t Know what to do’. ** We feel so much fear, shame & vulnerability in saying the words ‘I need help’. It's so easy (& routinely expected) for us to hide behind the words ‘I'm stressed', but it’s not at all easy to be honest & say ‘I’m overwhelmed, frightened, not coping, nervous, irritable or upset for no reason, depressed, going crazy, so hurt, tense, not happy, in pain, not in control of my life, ’stuck’, so tired, so angry’. OR 'I can’t sleep, concentrate, focus, sit still, forgive, forget, move on, be happy'. * Simple stress reduction remedies can include: Simplifying & Prioritising tasks according to urgency of need/daily Exercise/Yoga,Tai Chi/Meditation/taking a Break regularly/ Massage, Foot rub/Journalling about what’s happening & how we feel/having a good Cry if we need to/trying out healthy Sleep techniques/eating healthy Foods/avoiding Drugs, Alcohol, Binge-eating/Opening up to a trusted adult, who will help us find ways to manage our stress effectively. ** If the Simple remedies aren’t working for us, then it’s advisable to consult a Holistic Health Care provider for further help: to I.D. - the cause(s) of our stress, how to let go or minimise it, & how to handle stress effectively in the future. ** If you’d like to find out more about How to change things - Contact me today I Can help you.- (shapinglivesnt.com.au).([email protected]).

01.01.2022 'ME first' or ‘YOU first’? So many of us find we are doing this! When does ‘You first’ become a Problem - for Me (but also for You)?... Of course ‘You first’ can be a good trait - showing respect, kindness, care, compassion to another person etc. We all have a need to feel loved & valued - so, as usual, Balance is The Key. A. We can Genuinely help other people OR B. We can Destructively/Selfishly help other people. So, what’s the difference? A. Genuinely taking care of Myself, & letting others know my feelings, allows me to Give more of myself. I find I am stronger, wiser, kinder, more honest - with more energy to share. I can do this by making sure that my own sleep, exercise, nutrition & rejuvenation times are absolutely top priorities for me. B. Getting my Value from helping Other people is actually the most Ineffective, Destructive & Selfish way of trying to fulfil that normal need in me. I find that I am allowing myself to become depleted (for short term benefits), creating more emotional damage, & not giving those I love my willing, genuine best. My depletion shows up as: Increased Stress, fatigue, irritability, exhaustion, illness & disease / Decreased sleep & nutrition / Less effective judgment, decisions, choices & problem-solving skills. All of these things inevitably lead to me inadvertently Hurting, not helping, myself & these other people. A. Is the Happier, Healthy way! And Balance is The Key! *** If I choose to Change my thinking, everything else will Change too! www.shapinglivesnt.com.au

01.01.2022 JUST A SIMPLE CONVERSATION. IT ALL GOES PEAR-SHAPED! WHAT WENT WRONG? When I react to a person or situation, my focus then shifts towards my reaction. I pull away from continuing to experience what’s actually happening, & from being more realistic/more in-tune with the way things actually are. I move further & further away from the person or situation itself into ME.... My own thoughts & feelings about this experience have now become the Most important aspect of the situation. And then I might even start reacting to my reactions!! So, (if i feel that 'Reactive moment') what can I do to stay present - keep Responding rather than Reacting? How can I keep participating & involving myself, rather than zeroing in on myself or acting defensively/impulsively? 1. It helps to consciously take a step back & widen my view of that whole situation - (I see Me, You, where we are, how warm/cold it is, your mood, my capacity for misunderstanding, the sounds of birds or traffic, any smells etc.) Usually that simple shift of perspective can change everything. It allows me to recognise & accept that my reaction is just one part of the situation, & Definitely NOT the most important part! 2. Later, I can ask myself: What was that thought, feeling, emotion, sensation, image, memory etc. all about, that caused me to react? What have I learnt about myself? Changing the Way we think, changes Everything! www.shapinglivesnt.com.au

01.01.2022 I SAY - 'I’ve got a really great relationship with my partner' - but it’s not what I Always think! WHY? ... - Because 2 people with some shared, & some probably different, values will naturally see things differently at times - leading to acceptance, or conflict to be negotiated. - Because it seems that the 6 most important (& most necessary) healthy relationship ingredients are: Respect, Trust, Honesty, Friendship, Commitment & Realism. SO, WHAT HANDY HINTS CAN GUIDE ME? * Be the kind of person you want your partner to be. * Don’t have secrets. * Let your partner be who they are, & have the courage to do the same. * Adapt, & allow your partner to flourish & grow. * Keep your partner relationship as your ‘top’ priority. * Make it your goal to find out where your partner is coming from. * Pay attention to the right things. * Ignore what anyone else says about your relationship. * Feel safe to share your deepest, most intimate self with each other. * Accept that there is no 50/50. * Believe that there is no such thing as ‘winning’ an argument. * Afford your partner the benefit of the doubt. * Get good at forgiving. * Don’t keep score. * Pick your battles wisely. * Be willing to fight, & deal with conflicts - be kind, supportive & constructive. www.shapinglivesnt.com.au