The Nurture Foundation in Alderley | Counsellor

The Nurture Foundation

Locality: Alderley

Phone: +61 419 101 665

Address: 5/ 24 South Pine Road, Alderley 4000 Alderley, QLD, Australia

Website: https://thenurturefoundation.com/booked-appointments

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25.01.2022 Time for some much needed soul soothing

24.01.2022 Right now it feels like there are many mountains to be conquered. I am definitely feeling this. Maybe the mountains ahead are not what poses the greatest challenge? After all mountains can be climbed one step at a time. ... When we are in survival mode it difficult not to be solely focused on the challenge ahead. We feel an urgency and intensity within. We feel that in order to cleanse ourselves of these uncomfortable feelings that we must conquer the externally identified challenge to return to a state of ease. But perhaps its not the mountains ahead that is causing the most discomfort but the pebble in our shoe? And rather than looking to the mountain and being so externally focused we are called to shift our attention to the patterns and pressures within. To deal with them from where they originate in us, rather than where they are being triggered around us. When we explore our internal anxieties, understand the underlying needs within we have the opportunity to directly attend to them and nurture our way through. When the pain feels so great and the remedy seems insignificant in comparison we tend to dismiss the solution. Sometimes when we have taken out the pebble the pain doesnt immediately go away. It takes time for our practices to become embedded. It takes time for our pain to move through and heal. We have to remind ourselves that whether we are facing a mountain ahead or a pebble in our shoe that we can heal, we do recover and somehow we make it through. Go gently.

23.01.2022 Spaciousness is something I have been exploring in the last few weeks. You see stress, anxiety, fear, fatigue and uncertainty all lead us in to states of contraction. When we are in contraction we become negatively biased. We are in survival mode. We tuck in. We shutdown. Nothing gets out. Nothing comes in.... We are simmering with a semi level of hyper-vigilance. Ready to defend ourselves against the next thing about to go wrong. We unconsciously get stuck in the spin cycle of stress. Our body becomes a tightly wound spring that we are trying to unwind but nothing seems to make much of a difference. And yet if we can consistently invite in states of openness and spaciousness our body, tentatively at first, starts to unfold. We can invite spaciousness into our lives in so many ways... Sensing and noticing the space within us Sensing and noticing the space around us Taking an open deep breath and sensing the spaciousness in our lungs Clearing out clutter and enjoying more environmental spaciousness Practicing peripheral visioning and allowing our eyes to take in the spaciousness of our surroundings In space there more room for grace, a greater capacity for ease and opportunity for a deeper connection to self and life. When we are in contraction we cannot create, problem solve or move forward and these are the tools we need to engage if we want to break free from burnout, stress, disease and trauma. We need to regulate and integrate to create more space in our lives for the good to flow in and ripple back out again. Thanks for the reminder @jack_kornfield

23.01.2022 Spent the weekend soothing my vagus nerve with beautiful souls in stunning spaces @priscillafisher6 @helgachick @ Rainbow Beach Qld

23.01.2022 We all have the capacity to heal from trauma, all of us. Its just that some have a longer road than others. We are experiencing and unprecedented global trauma at the moment and the flow on effect is being felt in many areas of our lives. ... If we simply focus on the pain that we are feeling we can end up amplifying it and overwhelming ourselves. Or we can focus on all of the struggles that we have somehow made it through. All the problems that we wracked our brains to solve and eventually found a solution to. There are many paths to healing and there is no one size fits all approach. We are all unique beings and the trauma we hold is

23.01.2022 It's not the weak that burn out and break down, it's the strong. The weak either don't engage in the first place or have given up and moved on a long time ago. ... The strong keep showing up again and again. Despite fatigue, despite the pain, despite the frustration, despite the eternal challenges, regardless of the pressures they just keep going. They often will have a smile on their face, even a brightness in their voice and be stoically enduring unimaginable burdens. They are excellent containers. They are hard workers, have an incredibly giving nature , great team players, are excellent analysts and very, very capable individuals. They are the ones that keep going because they have to, and so they do. Until they break. And it's a shock to everyone because they rarely look broken to the visible eye. It's even more of a shock to themselves because they've always been able to keep going, until they can't. They end up with burn out (not always but often misdiagnosed as depression), chronic pain, chronic fatigue, autoimmune disease, gut issues, anxiety or worse. When I first start teaching these people to connect to and notice their nervous system we need to go slow. After decades of ignoring and overriding the signals from their body when we initially open the door they can become flooded with the volume of what has been contained. This is not always the case but a far more likely possibility with excellent containers. The other aspect that needs to be considered with nervous system work is capacity. When you are an excellent container you have generally been over extending your capacity for a long time and their is not much left. At the beginning we are both emptying out and strengthening the container inch by inch. After a bit of time we get some momentum going and progress speeds up. After a while vitality returns, resilience builds and reorganisation occurs. Once you have climbed out of that hole you make absolutely sure that you never go back there again. Sending nurturing to all souls stoically carrying a silent burden

20.01.2022 Happy Mothers Day Being a Mother is a blessing and often a stretch but something I had yearned for for so long and cherish everyday. This little person was not easy to bring into the world so to all those struggling with infertility I see you. To all of those little people out there teaching us to be better Mothers thank you. To all of the step mothers who get little or no thanks, you are amazing. To all of you that care in small and incredibly generous ways we appreciate you. I spent today at the beach collecting shells, making sandcastles and climbing rocks with my little wonder. Wishing you all a wonderful and wonder-filled Mothers Day wherever you are. @ Redcliffe, Queensland

19.01.2022 We are biologically impelled to complete a successful defense response. Let that sink in for a minute. Our bodies are continuously impelled to complete any incomplete defense responses! ... Our body, mind and nervous system are being urged from within to express then rest. All that sadness, the weight of unwept tears rising up beneath the surface. Always there, asking to be felt and freed. All the anger, the unexpressed rage, fury, despair. The internal inferno of injustice asking to be heard. Erupting at in opportune moments so we push it down even further. Our internal angst, awkwardness, guilt, shame. We dont want to stay in these states but are too riddled with fear, worry, anxiety to move out of them. Shrinking and recoiling from our triggers, burying ourselves further from what we dont want. What if all of these sensations and emotions simply need expression and completion in a safe container? We can try to politely talk it out, give a voice and a name to our troubles and this can work to some degree. But its in the crying and clenching of fists, its in the breathing into and out of, its in the rising of intensity and the natural dissipating of energy that brings us to relief. Your anxiety, rage, shame, depression, fear is not all in your head its in your entire body and is calling for a full body, titrated release. We cannot let go of all of our pain and suffering in one session but we can get started. We can start to feel the freedom of completing our biological urges to move through a successful defense response. Working with a skilled practitioner who can guide you through is key, especially if you have a significant trauma history. This is the work I do and Im passionate about sharing its potential as there are too many people stuck in incomplete defense responses that are labeled anxiety, depression, chronic anger, chronic pain and chronic fatigue. There is a way out and its through your own body. You have everything you need within you to begin to heal. Go gently, heal softly, live fully.

19.01.2022 As humans we are wired for connection. There are some people who thrive on many connections and others who only need a few. Regardless of your preferences we all need a safe haven to return to that is predictable and reliable. If you have grown up in a family that holds the value of "we all stick together" then you will return to that base. Sometimes just the knowing that it's there is enough to draw upon the nourishment of its reserves. ... The currency of these families is love. While there may be imperfections, when disagreements arise, love is used to repair and move forward. This is not the case for everyone. Many have grown up in family's where there may be physical abundance and yet are emotionally barren, perhaps even psychologically toxic. In these families it's every man for themselves and you might even despise those you love. The currency of these families is power, you don't need others to sustain you, you need others to conquer. People from these families tend to go in two distinct directions. They see how hurtful this behaviour is and they disconnect. I have often heard clients say " I would never do to others what was done to me." Or they replicate and perpetuate. They see all relationships as a transaction. They use them to elevate their social status or they use them as an opportunity to manipulate and conquer. These people are the meddlers, gossips, bullies, narcissists and abusers. Love and goodness are weaknesses to be exploited. They still need connection but their experience with connection is so damaged that they seek connection through conflict, control and chaos. There is even a name for it, negative intimacy. If you are unfortunate enough to come across this kind of person keep your distance. There is no reasoning with an unreasonable person, even the ones you love. In fact these personalities thrive on keeping you hooked into their drama, manipulations and psychological mind games. The only choice is to let go, move on and grant yourself your own freedom to heal.

17.01.2022 We are all practicing this one right now! There is so much uncomfortable energy around us at the moment. ... It can feel hard to escape and even harder to not sink into pockets of despair. In working with the nervous system I have figured a few things out about feeling uncomfortable feelings. Lets start off with feeling our feelings. We believe that we feel our feelings but often what we do is we think our feelings. We interpret, rationalize and problem solve them and then wonder why they are still there!! Feelings need to be felt, embodied, followed, expressed, vocalized and moved through our system. This is not to say we vomit our feelings all over the next person who takes our parking space at the supermarket. Neither do we erupt all over ourselves like a human volcano of emotion. If you know you have a backlog of unexpressed charge in your nervous system work with a trauma informed practitioner who will help you step into and out of the feeling space. It sounds simple but in my work with people and my own trauma recovery having support means that you dont need to endure days or weeks of feeling open and stuck in sticky feelings without a means to move through. If you are just generally stressed about the current state of the world allow yourself a few minutes every day to feel your feelings without judgment, critique or rationalize. Notice the physical sensations throughout your entire body and the most essential element is to be compassionately curious. This allows you to be with what you are feeling, gives a voice to your experience and is often enough to allow the intensity to dissipate. A bit like venting to your best friend but doing it on a feeling level with your own being. This is one of our richest opportunities to practice self care by working through our backlog of emotional debris, prolonged stress and nervous system charge. Lets heal and be stronger than we were before. Be well and go gently

16.01.2022 BEST CLIENT GIFT EVER!!!!

15.01.2022 Meet it, move it, free it. Healing is possible for us all.

15.01.2022 Narcissists are shape shifters. They constantly create and recreate false personas to avoid being truly seen. At the core of a narcissist is deep shame, self loathing and trauma. Their pain and sense of rejection is so deep that they fear revealing their true selves, even though this is the entry point to healing. ... There is no truer saying that applies to a narcissist than hurt people hurt people. This doesnt absolve them from their responsibility for the immense pain, heart ache and destruction that the wreak wherever they land. It simply gives us an understanding of how they can be so calculating and cruel. As such narcissists craft a variety of holograms of themselves. This protects their deep fracturing as well as enabling a multitude of manipulations. They dont play by the rules of common decency, common sense or basic integrity. They will say, do and behave in whatever way they they want. They often have long term friends and acquaintances that have absolutely no idea what lies beneath. Narcissists excel at playing the long game. It is inconceivable to most of us that their cruel manipulations have been planned for months and years. As such they groom their believers for years and even decades. Believers have no idea that they are being used to unconsciously enable the narcissist. There is an art to the narcissists deception. They often take a grain of truth and turn it into a lie. Everyday distortions are plausible and even the outrageous mistruths become accepted when layered over time. As masters of manipulation there is no way we can see them coming. There is also no point trying to convince their believers of the truth of who they are or what they have done. You cannot blame them for believing, after all you believed in them too once. Ultimately narcissists becomes their own undoing. This too takes time. The fastest way to heal from narcissistic abuse is to create as much distance as humanly possible and then get going with shifting the trauma out of your nervous system. But it is possible and the more you let go the greater space there is for the good. Forgive and be free.

12.01.2022 This is an unprecedented time of feeling unsafe all across the world. We have been primed our whole lives to look for and connect to what seems safe outside of us. Our jobs, our people, our government, our stuff. ... Working with the nervous system and having gone through my own healing from trauma the staggering discovery was that safety was the key I was looking for and the door was me. When we learn to tune into, follow and nourish the self we find the safety we have been looking for all along. There is a monumental global triggering of fight/flight/freeze happening. The pandemic of the virus is starting to pale in comparison to the pandemic of panic. We have lived disembodied for so long, ignoring physical symptoms of tiredness and the need for restoration that when something like this hits we realize how vulnerable we are. Absolutely follow the guidelines to ensure communal wellbeing and also take the turn to shift some of that focus within. If you need to sleep sleep, if you need sunshine and fresh air do that, if you need a cry let it flow and if you are feeling lonely phone rather than text a friend. When we listen to, attend to and nurture our bodies they thrive and have the resilience needed to endure challenge. I encourage you to use this time to reconnect with self, to find that spark of safety within and to turn that glimmer into a glow.

12.01.2022 The truest most beautiful life is not an easy one, we need to let go of this lie. Life delivers us some incredible heights and crushing lows. If we are in contraction we might be able to brace against the lows but we ultimately brace against the highs too. ... In contraction we unconsciously numb ourselves and unknowingly restrict our emotional bandwidth. We wonder why life doesnt feel as joyful, free or hopeful as it once was. We are anesthetized to the awareness that we are the ones who have limited our own experience. If we can embrace that life is a breadth of experiences and that we can feel our way through and not get flattened we give ourselves half a chance to enjoy the ride. If we can allow ourselves to let go of the filtered illusion of a perfect life we can appreciate the life we have in front of us now with all of its craziness and complexity. Maybe then we can give ourselves a true chance at a life of richness and fulfillment. Its hard to trust the process when you feel like you have been a cosmic punching bag, but its not life we need to regain trust with, its ourselves. Its our ability to self regulate, its our ability to reconnect, its our capacity to pick ourselves up after every knock learn whats needed and move on. A drama free life is a fantasy if you believe it is the external world that needs to be controlled. A rich and fulfilling life is one where we learn to stare straight in the eye of whats coming and use/ develop the internal resources needed to make it through, often happiness is just on the other side of this. Lets ditch the illusion of an easy life and welcome the beautifully imperfect one that we have right now. Be untamed, be unapologetic, be the imperfectly perfect you. See more

12.01.2022 Its not the weak that burn out and break down, its the strong. The weak either dont engage in the first place or have given up and moved on a long time ago. ... The strong keep showing up again and again. Despite fatigue, despite the pain, despite the frustration, despite the eternal challenges, regardless of the pressures they just keep going. They often will have a smile on their face, even a brightness in their voice and be stoically enduring unimaginable burdens. They are excellent containers. They are hard workers, have an incredibly giving nature , great team players, are excellent analysts and very, very capable individuals. They are the ones that keep going because they have to, and so they do. Until they break. And its a shock to everyone because they rarely look broken to the visible eye. Its even more of a shock to themselves because theyve always been able to keep going, until they cant. They end up with burn out (not always but often misdiagnosed as depression), chronic pain, chronic fatigue, autoimmune disease, gut issues, anxiety or worse. When I first start teaching these people to connect to and notice their nervous system we need to go slow. After decades of ignoring and overriding the signals from their body when we initially open the door they can become flooded with the volume of what has been contained. This is not always the case but a far more likely possibility with excellent containers. The other aspect that needs to be considered with nervous system work is capacity. When you are an excellent container you have generally been over extending your capacity for a long time and their is not much left. At the beginning we are both emptying out and strengthening the container inch by inch. After a bit of time we get some momentum going and progress speeds up. After a while vitality returns, resilience builds and reorganisation occurs. Once you have climbed out of that hole you make absolutely sure that you never go back there again. Sending nurturing to all souls stoically carrying a silent burden

12.01.2022 When we live in highly activated states of stress our body produces cortisol, adrenaline and overall inflammation. Living in a state of stress for short periods of time is tolerable, sometimes even exciting. It can be rewarding to see how we perform under pressure. ... But living in a sea of stress indefinitely wears us down, physically and psychologically. The toll that prolonged stress takes on us adds an extra layer to the burden. We are not just dealing with the stress itself we also must manage the impact it has on our health. We end up with autoimmune disease, high blood pressure, chronic fatigue, we burn out, we breakdown. The rehabilitation from these conditions is not a simple quick fix but often months and even years of recovery. Part of the recovery process is becoming aware of the way we perceive the world and therefore the way we inhabit it. Normally when we consider perception we think it to be a purely mind oriented activity. Yet our nervous system and therefore our entire physiology is involved in perception. If our body perceives the world as a mostly friendly and supportive place then our physiology is open, free flowing through life. However if we have had a history of trauma or high stress then your body may perceive the world as a challenging place. We find ourselves constantly bracing in anticipation of the next test. From this understanding being able to consciously find ways to connect to a sense of safety in ourselves and our environments becomes vital to our wellbeing. Releasing stress and tension and inviting our body to come out of defense states and into calmness and ease may very well be the path out of our perceived threats. The moment you change your physical perception of the world is the moment that you rewrite the chemistry of your body and perhaps even your destiny. Its not just a matter of changing our thinking its changing our being.

12.01.2022 Lets be each others calm in the chaos. As social beings we unconsciously reflect each others inner state due to our mirror neurons. Its mirror neurons at play when we catch each others yawns. ... Likewise when walking into a room we can feel the tension without a word being spoken. Even spending time with a walking ray of sunshine can lighten our own state of being. Mirror neurons act as a survival mechanism inducing either pleasant or unpleasant sensations. When we feel uncomfortable charge we recoil. When we feel the warmth of empathy we seek further connection. Given that it can go either way means that we have the opportunity to shift out of defensive states into connective states with a little awareness. We all get unconsciously triggered from time to time. With greater embodied awareness we can notice as we are being triggered and take back the reins. If we can take a hold of our internal state and practice down regulation techniques like slow deep breathing we can consciously make a shift. We can move from surviving to thriving in a matter of moments. We can practice self regulation so that we can offer co-regulation. We can move from protection into connection and be each others safety in the storm. Together we are stronger. Go gently

11.01.2022 How good are you at resting? We have had an incredible opportunity to rest recently and yet some of us are busier than ever. More often than not we spend our down time scrolling, gaming, fixing, doing, engaging. ... We have lost the art of embodied rest. When was the last time that you sat quietly, looking at a wide landscape, reflecting? Taking in the vista, drinking in the peace, being rather than doing. How often do you allow yourself to sink into this space? Is it easy? It may very well be challenging if you havent stopped for a while. And even when we do stop even it can feel unsettling. Our somatic content has a tendency to rise up when we stop so we just keep going. We keep reading, running, working, watching, talking, scrolling, cleaning and attending to everything else other than ourselves. If we dont understand that the body is simply trying to complete and clear sensations from the past it can feel intense and even alarming. Sometimes it feels so uncomfortable that we do everything we can to distract or delay this kind of embodied sensing. Have you ever had a moment where out of the blue you feel anxious or uneasy for no good reason? Often we try to find a reason (always easy to do), or we fall into judgement (Im such an anxious person) or try to push it back down (with coffee/wine/gaming/shopping). What if all our bodies needed was to be heard, met, loved, wherever its at? Sometimes all we need to do is simply notice the sensations seeping out of our being. Other times we are called to follow the flow and intentionally move it out of our system. More often than not we are called to meet ourselves with compassionate curiosity and care and sometimes thats the hardest part of healing ourselves. Recognize too that if there is a backlog of somatic debris to be worked through that healing takes time. When we trust the bodys innate wisdom to heal, both physically and psychologically, we can harness its immense regenerative resilience. Our doing can become our feeling, our sensing can become our soothing and our movement is our medicine. Go gently, rest deeply, heal softly.

11.01.2022 I dont believe in self sabotage. When I hear people say that they are self sabotaging I feel like they are trying to judge themselves into more desired behaviors. Yet shame and blame are such poor motivators. ... What we dont realize is that underneath every behavior there is a need. A need for comfort, a need for protection, a need for connection, a need for ease. All reasonable human needs. Sometimes we over adult ourselves. I should be more resilient/ independent/ patient/ cognizant/ easy going etc. Holding ourselves to unreasonably high expectations. We forget that we are human and that sometimes being human can get a little messy. We forget that underneath our armor we all have needs and yearnings. We forget that we are all incomplete works in progress and that evolving is an essential part of the human experience. When we understand what it is that we need in the moment and start to nourish that we create a pathway out of unwanted patterns. We start supporting ourselves instead of rebelling against ourselves. We develop an internal relationship of trust and understanding. We start to cut ourselves some slack and create new self affirming boundaries rather than punishing ourselves into compliance. We do not self sabotage. We have a deficit of internal attunement. What is needed instead is a massive dose of self love and a huge leap in our commitment to care for our needs as they arise. It calls to mind the title of a book by one of my favorite writers @jeffbrown who encourages us to love it forward. I believe we must love ourselves forward if we are to reach our potential. Go gently.

10.01.2022 When we suppress our own emotional needs we pay the price. Resentment, disappointment, isolation, exhaustion. We are taught by the world to get along, be good, dont rock the boat. But this comes at an expense. We sacrifice our truth, our integrity, our energy and more. ... Over time the expenditure adds up and we find ourselves in extreme deficit. The first indicator that we are on the edge is our emotional balance starts to become fragile. We tip easily into emotional outbursts and then we are faced with cleaning up that mess. Next to go is our health. Headaches, muscle tension, stomach issues, insomnia, fatigue, anxiety, autoimmune disease start to become a regular part of our lives. We focus on the illness, address the symptoms but forget what is underlying it all. Our empathy and willingness may be admirable qualities in us but when its at the cost of our psychological and physical health then we need to address the balance. Often there is conditioning in childhood that has made us prone to over giving and self sacrifice. When we start to unravel what lies beneath we can be free to give without losing ourselves in the process. We can give from a full cup rather than an empty one. And we allow ourselves to find the dynamic flow between giving and receiving which ultimately deepens our cherished connections.

09.01.2022 This is what co-hosting an online TRE training looks like

09.01.2022 Gratitude increases oxytocin and combats cortisol. If you are fortunate enough there is no better time to practice gratitude.

09.01.2022 Procrastination is a form of freeze. As such it might have served you well in childhood. It keeps us camouflaged, small and out of the firing line. As an adult it may not be as useful. ... All nervous system responses are automated therefore they happen below our level of consciousness. We notice them when they show up, not as we are deciding to engage them. This is surprising because we often consider procrastination as a mental process of indecision. But it is a habituated response that requires conscious circuit breaking. I would suggest that our mental processes are secondary responses, they attempt to make meaning of our behavior. We think our mind is the master but more often it is the servant. As such we spiral around mental loops, our minds unconsciously occupied while our nervous system keeps our physiology safely tucked away out of sight. I have been procrastinating about a decision this week. To make a decision would mean to take action and Im tired at the moment. So my procrastination is protecting me from expending energy that I would rather keep. The decision also means that I have to give something up regardless of which choice I make and Im noticing my reluctance to do that too. On the surface all freeze states seem to take minimal effort but what we now understand with the advent of Polyvagal theory is that freeze is a highly energy consumptive state and procrastination is no exception. To break free from procrastination we need conscious movement. Small steps or maybe even big ones to shift us out of stuckness and into our next phase. Imperfect action is the superpower of the successful. Today Im making a decision to move out of procrastination. Is there something you have been procrastinating about too?

09.01.2022 What is capacity? It is the maximum amount that something can contain. When it comes to our psychological wellness it is the amount of emotion, sensation and activation that we can comfortably hold.... Our capacity can change day by day depending on how much is going on in life. Likewise capacity is majorly affected by how much stress we have been exposed to and how long for. Living life on the edge of our capacity can take a significant toll on our physical and psychological health. Post viral fatigue after having covid19 is becoming more recognized and its no wonder that it is becoming more prominent given our cultural propensity to live life stretched to our limits. Capacity does not just relate to holding the intensity of difficult feelings, it can influence our ability to be with intensely good emotions and sensations too. You see the sensation of intensity itself can become coupled with fear and for trauma survivors they will unconsciously avoid intense feelings whether they be good or bad. In turn we end up with a surprisingly low capacity for holding feelings of goodness in life. Feeling calm or at ease may be so unfamiliar that it can trigger feelings of anxiety or distress. Always waiting for something bad to happen even when there is nothing to fear. Building capacity for strong feelings takes time. We need to feel and stretch into the intensity without becoming flooded. And like any strength building exercise it needs to be developed over time and repetition. When we build the capacity to be with strong emotions, feelings and sensations we may start off finding relief from our challenging feelings but in the end find that we can embrace and hold more of the good. You gotta feel it to heal it but as always we need to go slow to go fast.

08.01.2022 Its ok to fall apart even though you thought you had it under control. Healing is not linear, healing is messy. ... Just because you are healing it doesnt make you weak, needy, insecure or incomplete. Our emotional fractures often run deeper than our physical ones. Because they cant be seen they are often over looked and unconsciously diminished. We silently keep breaking in plain sight. Healing is so incredibly messy. We dont want the mess, may not have even created the mess in the first place but here we are. Its ok if you thought you were over it but it hits you again. Theres no timeline for healing. Somehow we eventually get there, usually not with with a huge triumphant breakthrough, but more a gentle descent into peace.

08.01.2022 If it was as easy as thinking our way out of our pain we would already be there. If the alarm bell of the emotional brain keeps signaling that you are in danger no amount of insight will silence it. ... So why does the alarm bell stay on? If we have experienced a protracted stress such as a high needs child, serious illness, divorce or an abusive relationship living in a state of hypervigilance becomes normalized. Reflection is a useful practice. It slows us down and connects us to the elements that we may have skipped over in the moment but its not enough. We are not heads on legs, we are entire beings living a full, sensory experience. So often we attend to our narrative while unconsciously dissociating from our feelings as a means to protect ourselves from their sting. We seek to figure things out in the same way we would a problem at work so we can package things up and move on. Then we become frustrated as to why the same patterns, anxieties and obstacles keep surfacing. We think surely I would have left this behind by now?! Reflection is useful but on its own does not allow us to complete our unprocessed experiences. Yet when we pair awareness with embodiment things shift in moments rather than years. I had someone that I was working with the other day say it kinda seems like magic but it kinda makes sense too. If we want to switch off an alarm we can think it through and expect it to turn off. We have to physically embody what is required to complete the action in a safe and supportive way. We tune in, move things a little then we intentionally turn the volume. Take a break, wait till we feel resourced again and then tune back in. When we have been suppressing our sensations, feelings and maladaptive patterns for years we need to gradually build the capacity to be with ourselves in an embodied way. In time we can be with and shift bigger chunks. At the beginning it feels daunting but as we progress it becomes fascinating to discover the wisdom and strength held deep within. Reflection is useful but reflection coupled with embodiment is your untapped super power. Heal gently.

08.01.2022 Narcissists intentionally layer trauma onto their targets. They deliberately and covertly seek to wear them down with the next attack, lie, insult, drama and deception. ... If you are on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse it can feel like death by a 1,000 cuts or an avalanche of relentless attacks. Apart from the intent to wear you down the layering strategy has a dual purpose. Firstly it allows narcissists to fly under the radar to some degree. If they were to be too overt in their abuse they would be called out and action taken, either by the community around them or the law. But they have been playing their games for a long time. They know just how much heat to turn up and the frequency at which they can abuse in plain sight without getting detected. The other function of the layering process is to groom their believers. They test the waters to see how much crazy making they can get away with without completely revealing the depth of their cruelty or manipulation. After all they need their believers. They use their believers as a form of camouflage so that they can hide in plain sight. This is why so many narcissists are considered to be respectable members of the community. The friendly neighbor, priest, group leader, a long term friend, family member or coach. Narcissists groom and gaslight their believers as much as their victims, just in a different way as they need them for a different purpose. Believers are often good hearted, accepting and unsuspecting people (just like their targets) who unknowingly support the narcissist and their covert tactics. When you are facing a tiramisu of trauma create as much space as you can between you and the narcissist. Regulating your nervous system is the best possible defense against narcissistic abuse. With a highly regulated nervous system you become Teflon. That way whatever the narcissist throw at you nothing will stick. Without their hit of pain (#painistheircocaine) they are forced to find a new supply. If you need support with this I work with people so that they too can break free from the trauma that is narcissistic abuse. Go gently.

08.01.2022 If it was that easy we would already be healed. Its not until we gather the right skills and resources that we are able to make the shifts needed to have our breakthroughs. ... We can spend years searching sorting and sifting. Feeling like we are going in circles and not making much progress. Sometimes we need just one piece of the puzzle to fall into place, sometimes it takes several pieces to come together. Its normally not a magic moment of coalescence that lets us know we have arrived but a gentle settling into safety and ease over time. Its a much softer landing and thank goodness when the rest of the ride has been so rough. If our challenges we as simple to solve as thinking our way or persisting our way out of them most of us would be there by now. I shared a beautiful moment today with an amazing soul who has been working diligently at regulating her nervous system and has found that settled space. If it can happen for one it can happen for anyone, maybe even everyone. Heal softly, go gently and remember how amazing you are to have gotten this far.

07.01.2022 One of the biggest reasons that we avoid confronting our pain is that we fear we will get stuck in the discomfort or distress. After all the experience that created the pain felt so deeply out of our control when it happened, why would we intentionally want to go back there? ... So we distract with a vengeance, we minimize, dance around, do whatever it takes not to feel that way again. But no matter what we do the anxiety, uneasiness, overwhelm, fatigue and disconnectedness keeps on rising within. The refusal to process our pain only prolongs our suffering. What if these uncomfortable sensations and feelings are the way through? No matter how much guilt and shame we might feel about our responses in the moment, the truth is that we dont choose to be traumatized. But we can choose to heal. We can take back control of our bodies, hearts and lives. We have this choice available to us every single day. When we harness our innate capacity to heal we regain our power and take back control. We start to build the capacity to be with the sensations, emotions and incomplete impulses. We come out of reactiveness and into responsiveness. The distressing sensations begin to settle and we find the calm after the storm. Go gently, live bravely, heal softly.

07.01.2022 When you have accumulated trauma or have experienced a significant trauma our nervous systems become highly reactive. It doesnt take much for us to become dysregulated. ... Sometimes we feel like we are #hypersensitive and we might even be called #oversensitive or just #overthetop. Its not that we choose to be this way, in fact its exhausting. We might be excellent containers, projecting a veneer of calm capability all the while feeling depleted, in pain or anxious. When we have a nervous system that tips over easily utilizing nervous system practices that down regulate our levels of activation need to be a daily practice. Methods for down regulating the nervous system include deep diaphragmatic breathing, drinking cold water, humming, tapping on your sternum (thymus thump), mindfulness and TRE (tension release exercises). I will often do 2-3 at the beginning of the day and 2-3 at the end of the day. When we consciously reset our nervous system as a practice we build resilience, as such become less reactive and more regulated. Regulate your nervous system to restore your life.

07.01.2022 Trying to think your feelings is like trying to eat a steak with a straw. To feel our feelings successfully we need to get out of our heads and into our body.

07.01.2022 I have had a number of times in my life that I have watched my old life burn. Careers, living situations, patterns, relationships, a life trajectory gone. Things that I held to dearly, only to go up in flames, turned to ashes, then to dust. ... Sometimes I lit the match, knowing that what had been created was over and needed to fall away to make room for the new. Moreso, too many times, I could see the unconsciously smoldering embers of others searing through the undergrowth. I’d try desperately to contain the burn. Protecting, striving, struggling to hold back the blaze. Despite my best attempts, still ashes. The last time my life burned to the ground I had little warning, so unexpected. Lit by a firebug who revels in watching things burn. Grief, loss, shock, despair. As it went up in flames I realized that what burned to the ground was an illusion. What seemed solid on the outside was paper mache underneath. There are lessons learned that can only be forged in the fire. A galvanizing that only happens in extremes of heat. Now when I smell smoke I am less alarmed. I know that anything that’s green finds a way of surviving. Protected in a cocoon of the debris of destruction. If we want to build the new we must be willing to let the old burn. What gets burned away is transitory. True essence remains. Let it burn, then rebuild. It will be even more beautiful than you imagine.

05.01.2022 When we heal ourselves from trauma we give ourselves the permission and power to be our truest self. Being deeply you is the greatest gift that you can give to yourself and the world. ... Go gently, heal softly, be awesome.

05.01.2022 The thing narcissistic and avoidant relationships have in common is that they can both leave you feeling less than. According to Dr Susan Campbell relationships go through 5 stages 1. The honeymoon phase... 2. The power struggle 3. The stability stage 4. The commitment stage 5. The co creation/ bliss stage In the power struggle stage we learn to find a balance between both partners needs. Yet this is where most relationships fail. As we struggle to find balance we all hit our hard stuff. Our fears, contractions and contradictions. Narcissists and avoidant personalities tend to shy away from strong emotions, intimacy or deep connection. Insecurely attached people respond by over accommodating their partners needs to the detriment of their own. They do this in the hope that when the relationship is back on track that the balance of needs will swing back to a greater equilibrium as it was in the beginning of the relationship. We become temporarily willing to accept very little not realizing that this is the new status quo. In time our self worth plummets. This is how narcissists start to gain power and control over the relationship and is the beginning of their cruel campaign of abuse. This is also an unconscious means for the avoidant to gain control. Because intimacy is a huge trigger they default to their dance of disconnection. Left unaddressed this can last for the entirety of the relationship. If you are in a narcissistic relationship getting out is the only option. If you are in an avoidant relationship you need to assess whether there is a genuine commitment to confront and overcome the fears of intimacy and enmeshment. If you are the insecurely attached partner you too must address your wounds of abandonment and rebuild your self worth. If you are struggling under an avalanche of disconnection, minimal intimacy and intermittent commitment it may be time to walk away. The only relationships that make it through to the co-creation stage are the ones in which both partners are willing to reflexively grow through the grit to make it through to the bliss. Go gently, heal softly and know you are worthy of deep love.

05.01.2022 There can never be too much kindness, attunement or love. Ever.

05.01.2022 Honoring our capacity is a really big part of guiding and defining our boundaries. As children we are often taught that our boundaries are less important than the adults or non existent at all. ... This is especially true in households where there is a significant amount of chaos that overshadows the needs of the individual child. If every time we express a need or boundary we are criticized, punished, rejected or ridiculed we learn to dissociate rather than feel the pain of the adults reaction. Part of our trauma recovery is learning to reconnect with our needs, our capacity and our boundaries. We rediscover what feels safe and what doesnt. We learn how to express our needs, sometimes for the first time. We learn who will be receptive to those needs and who wont. We start to learn about our capacity. Capacity is the volume of something we can comfortably hold. When recovering from trauma our capacity to hold strong emotions or maybe even others emotions can be limited. This is neither good or bad. It is what it is. If we have had to deny our emotions or needs for most of our lives we end up with a volcano dynamic. We suppress until we have zero capacity left and then we erupt. If we are unaccustomed to sitting with others strong emotions we can easily make what feels intolerable wrong. We reject it, judge it, disown it or avoid it at all costs. Becoming familiar with where our capacity is, where our edges are, can help help us instill boundaries where before there were none or soften our rigid walls when we need to grow. Growing our capacity first starts with awareness. Awareness of when we feel overwhelmed, then awareness of what we need before we get overwhelmed. Next we learn to respond. We learn to respond to our needs, to advocate for ourselves, to act on our boundaries. Honoring our capacity is a huge part of our boundaries journey. When we can start to live within our capacity rather than beyond it, gently expanding when called to, we find safety in healthy boundaries and start living life from a fuller cup.

03.01.2022 When we have lived in high levels of stress for extended periods an absence of stress can feel empty. From a nervous system perspective when we have been living in highly stressed states we are in a constant state of activation. ... High input, high output. If we are under attack, even psychologically, staying still feels like being cornered or trapped. Everyday instances of this include a stressful job, an insecure relationship, ongoing health issues or bullying. High activation is a logical response if we are physically in danger but being stuck in hyper vigilance indefinitely is exhausting. Our nervous system defaults to fight, flight or freeze or a swinging combination of these. When we are in freeze we are stuck, stillness feels like the immobility of fear. We want to move but fear that if we do our situation will escalate and all will be lost. When we are in fight we are constantly triggered, taking on or creating battle after battle. Stillness feels like an affront so we keep on fighting. When we are in flight we are in constant motion, avoiding what could be the next threat, making sure it doesnt catch up. Stillness feels suffocating, so we keep on running. We are always in a state of uneasy activation. In these unconscious states of hyper vigilance or defense we act reflexively but not reflectively. This is where our behavior patterns loop and we keep repeating the past. Attempting down regulation feels counterintuitive to a nervous system that is perceiving threat. And yet this is the only path out of our own personal hell. It is a mind, body and while being exercise to consciously connect to the present moment and all allow yourself the freedom of recognizing the immediate absence of threat. It takes time to trust the present moment when all you can somatically remember is pain, hurt or challenge. But right in this moment everything is ok. This moment is all we need to start to find the stillness. When we reconnect to this moment in time we can start to reconnect to ourselves. We find that the safety that we have been looking for all around us was within us all along.

03.01.2022 In working with the nervous system the primary goal is to establish safety. As Stephen Porges (who gave the world PolyVagal Theory) shares Safety is the treatment. ... For some its about becoming reacquainted with safety once again, not just as a thought but an embodied feeling. Others that I work with have never had a sense of safety in their bodies or lives due to developmental or cumulative trauma. Our culture has become a maze of overstimulation, striving and stress. Its no wonder so many of us are unconsciously traumatized by our lifestyle and end up with chronic fatigue, clusters of unexplainable symptoms, chronic pain conditions and long term health issues. So many people have never consciously connected to the felt sense of safety in their bodies. When we dont feel safe we split off. There is part of us here but not all. It can impede our concentration. We feel like we are a bit numb, disconnected, floaty, not quite with it. Finding safety involves grounding yourself into the present moment. Noticing the sensory details around you. The sights, sounds, smells, sensations. The next step is to draw that awareness further into the body, feeling the weight of your body in the chair, getting a sense of your bones, connecting to the sensations, ease and space within. Safety is not the absence of threat. With a hyper-vigilant nervous system its easy to find potential threats all around. Safety is finding connection. Connection to the environment, connection to the others (#coregulation) and connection to self (#selfregulation). Safety is one of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves and each other.

01.01.2022 Time does not heal all wounds. Healing heals all wounds. Some people are fortunate enough to be able to build a bunker and bury their pain, but not many. ... The rest of us are left with the debris of trauma strewn throughout our lives, laying inactivated like land mines and going off when we are least prepared for it. Our body is the land in which this debris is buried. We dont think our way into trauma, pain, disease, overwhelm and we certainly cant think our way out of it. It is the stuffing down, the shutting in, the absent minded avoiding and often lack of skills and resources that facilities the unconscious containment. We are taught by the world around us that the best/only strategy is to suck it up and just keep going. That is until our bunker gets so full and things start exploding all over the place. We physically cant get out of bed, our emotions are all over the place, we lack motivation, we are easily triggered by the simplest of things. We just cant seem to get it together. We have no choice but to turn inward and feel our anguish, exhaustion, shame, fear, rage and despair. We find that sensations and emotions cant break us and that it was the holding on that was. We start befriending our pain and find that it points us in the direction of what most needs healing. We start allowing ourselves to feel difficult emotions and find that there is lightness and space on the other side. We start listening to our intuition which has been stifled by the debris and has entombed its wisdom. Finally we begin to attune to, move with and be guided by our body which always knows how to lead us out of pain and into possibility. Time does not heal all wounds, but you can. Go gently.