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25.01.2022 ODELL CONTROVERSY. CALLS FOR INVESTIGATION INTO BROWNS HIT. Giants megastar Odell Beckham Jnr has called on the NFL to sanction Browns cornerback Briean Boddy-Calhoun, who hit him in their pre-season game today. ObJ left the field in pain and later used social media to demand more respect for his status as the game's biggest draw card. "No one wants me out of the game. They come 2 see me. I want them 2 see it all."... Beckham reportedly also told teammates opposition players should be more mindful that a serious injury could hinder his ambitions to be the world's highest paid sports star. As for Boddy-Calhoun, he made the most of the unprecedented interest in him to clear up the pronunciation of his first name. "It's Bree-Ann. Bree like the fancy cheese. My Daddy believed in the boy named Sue theory. And Beckham felt the force right there." More to come.
25.01.2022 Prawnies Week 3 value picks
23.01.2022 NFL TO MAKE ANTHEM KNEELING MANDATORY. After months of sternly sitting on the sidelines the NFL has taken unexpected action on players who refuse to stand for the anthem. The movement started by Colin Kaepernick has gathered rapid momentum and the NFL saw a critical tipping point when the first white player, Cleveland Browns TE Seth DeValve, knelt before the game Monday night. Sources say the NFL sees social and commercial benefits from swimming with the current on the kneel...ing issue. It's possible players will be contractually forced to kneel in future games, to highlight sponsored minority causes. The proposed rules could extend to players wearing NFL-approved knee pads during the officially sanctioned protests. The League's VP Forward Planning, Brendan Dimecount, said,"We've been waiting for a tipping point. And wow, when a white guy did it, that's your signal to move." "We already use player celebrity to push everything from Buicks to Papa Johns so the next thing is that social conscience space. "Fact. Players will always have causes. Let's run with that. "I could see a time where every kid playing junior football kneels for the anthem wearing a set of NFL knee pads. "We could call them Kaps! Knee Kaps! Hell thats a great idea." Photo credit: Cleveland.com Story credit: Prawnie's insomnia!
22.01.2022 NFL FANS UNITE AGAINST KAP PROTESTS: "THIS IS OUR GAME!" You won't believe what football fans across the US of A are doing to reclaim the game, the anthem, and the American Way. Nothing. That's right. Nothing. NFL fans are sluggishly harnessing the power of apathy to fight Colin Kaepernick's attempts to make people think. ... Apathetic fans are using social media to organise gatherings in bars, where they can drink until thinking is actually impossible. Simplee Simon, an off-duty parking officer choking tinnies of Rolling Rock in Hackensack, NY:"Dey gone haf to carry me out here tonight. I ain't leavin' til da brain damage kicks in bro, he what I'm sayin'?", he said apathetically. "I'm black so I gotta be careful. Ain't cool to not give a damn 'bout KAP when you black." A group of sit down drinkers draining Coors in Grand Junction, CO, were more open about not giving a toss. "This is the only Coors we care about. Coors. Cause. Giddit?", said Bill Shorten, a part time union official and full time dimwit. "If Colin Fuzzhead Kapgun thinks he can make the average Joe think about things he don't want to think about, well he's got another think coming." There was a guffaw of general agreement and then a more heated discussion about who was supposed to get the next round. More to come.
18.01.2022 G'day Punters, Here we go! Firing the first shots for the new NFL season. I've done all the hard yakka for you, so this is the way I'm betting in Week One as I try to win back my house I lost on the Falcons in the super bowl. Good luck mate!
17.01.2022 KAP LAUNCHES OWN FRANCHISE: BREAKAWAY LEAGUE. Colin Kaepernick started this race on one knee, but he's running on two legs now. In fact he's sprinting towards a destiny nobody could have imagined that day he kneeled for the anthem. "I've got enough support, enough love going to start my own team," he told The Raw Prawn. ... "There's money behind this. We're going to crowd fund the whole plan. "We need two teams of brothers who believe to get started with our own league." Kaepernick said discussions were "advanced" for what he called the new "Fro" League, a reference to his wild hair and the racial power behind the movement. He hinted progress was so fast, that "Fro" League games could be played in college stadiums as early as next year. "I can see a 10-team league all playing like hell to reach the Fro Bowl," he said, laughing. "National Football League? What's that?" More to come.
17.01.2022 Roger Goodell is finally quitting his day job for a career in the arts
16.01.2022 Daughter's Lack Of TV Awareness Infuriates Dad. Vows "That's Fukn It!" Billy Brownless is your typical American dad. ... Except he is willing to spend way more time than most working out ways to get his patheticness noticed at the game. And the sickest part? He is raising his daughter Janoris to believe this kind of behaviour is normal. "I guess I'm just your average American dad," he beams. Fuck me. We covered that already. And no you're not you sicko bastard. It's likely Brownless's abusive activities would have gone unnoticed if witnesses at a recent Cowboys game hadn't seen him go off like the Tourette's Symphony Orchestra. "Now, they're on us now! Looky there Janoris! No, not there! Up there!!," he shouted, noticing he and his daughter's image being projected live on the Stadium big screen. "Where dad?" She inquired excitedly. "Well it's too late, you missed it and I fukn swear Janoris, you just don't fukn listen. "I said five minutes ago I could see the camera pointing this way. Jesus Fukn Christ! You fukn ruined it. "Last time your mother wasn't fukn recording the game and this time you're looking the wrong way. "That's fukn it! Next week I'm comin' by my fukn self." More to come
15.01.2022 PUNCHY FALCONS COACH DEFACES CLOCK! Dan Quinn has reportedly altered the clock in his Atlanta office so it always reads NOW. Previously it always read 28 to 3.... Fair dinkum. Poor bloke has got a few roos loose in his top paddock.
15.01.2022 OBJ TRIALS PERSONAL PROTECTION DEVICE? NFL CAUGHT OFFGUARD. Could this happen? Odell Beckham Jnr may wear an impact-sensing device in Game One of the regular season. The NFL's self-described biggest star has helped developed the new technology, which alerts on-ground officials if a tackle exceeds the "collision magnitude limit" set by OBJ. ... The device, called StarSafe, is worn under existing protection padding. It has NOT been approved, yet OBJ is set to defy authorities and make a "future vision statement." When the Giants play the Cowboys in Arlington in Week One, Beckham's safety gear will ring an alarm if he is tackled too hard. The Raw Prawn spoke to StarSafe ceo Rich B. Anker who looked as sharp as a rat with a gold tooth. He revealed Beckham had a dream about taking the NFL into the next century and beyond. "ObJ knows why people come to the game. There's maybe two dozen players in the whole NFL who account for 80 percent of why fans turn up," he said via encrypted Blackberry. "And only those guys can afford this new gear. It's very expensive. You wouldn't waste it on ordinary players, but it will extend careers of important guys. "Right now players talk about hard hits as ’bellringers’. Well in future a star player's bell will literally sound if he is hit unusually hard. "The referees are not compelled to act under current rules, but we see a day where if a StarSafe protection bell goes off, so does the defensive player who did the tackle." The NFL quite sensibly did not return our calls. More to come.
14.01.2022 TRUMP CONSIDERING MILITARY STRIKE ON NFL President Trump said Wednesday he was prepared to launch a military attack on the NFL, and slammed its players for exercising their right to free speech. Those sons of bitches don’t stand for the anthem, they’re not willing to sacrifice their long-term mental health for the country’s entertainment, and they don’t follow me on Twitter, said Trump in a Rose Garden news conference. Trump said all options are being considered by his defe...nse team. We’re going to start with a wall around every stadium, and the owners are going to pay for it, Trump said. If that doesn’t work, we’ll go nuclear. We’re going to totally destroy the NFL. Trump also announced an executive order to bring back the USFL, effective immediately. Football how it should be played, said Trump. I’ve just gotten off the phone to Herschel Walker and Doug Flutie - they’re both in. Asked how players in their 50s would stand up to the rigors of football, Trump responded, Modified rules. We’re only playing 15 minutes. The other 45 minutes, Lynyrd Skynyrd is going to be playing classic American anthems. And every damn player will be standing.
11.01.2022 Breesy's arm is straighter than a church pew, but it's also shorter than Danny De Vito's wedding tackle. Another wasted season for the Saints coming up.
10.01.2022 NY JETS GO NOOK LEE AH ABOUT NORTH KOREA "It will not happen on my watch." Jets owner Woody Johnson has reacted furiously to Kim Yong Un's assertion he intends to buy a controlling interest in the New York Jets. ... The North Korea dictator caused worldwide tension Tuesday, launching a missile over neighbouring Japan. North Korea's ambassador to the United States, Lee Kon Mee, said the show of force was a strategy for making the USA take serious notice of their tiny nation. Lee said North Korea had identified a number of poorly-run sporting franchises for purchase, including English soccer club, Arsenal. But the Jets were top of the list. "We love the Big Apprr," he said, referencing New York. "New Yorkers cannot be happy with bad team. We will bring military style training programme. "Lots of practice and kill family threat. "Jets good name. Jets good uniform. That's why glorious leader Kim Jong Un will buy and enjoy." Sources familiar with the situation said the comments had really splintered Woody Johnson, who had gone off like a kelpie on cracker night. They suggested Johnson would not sell under any circumstances, except for maybe a ridiculous price. More to come.
08.01.2022 PACKERS FAN TORN ABOUT CHEESY HEADWEAR Decides Against Stadium Killing. This guy with the Cheesehead hat will never know how lucky he is, unless someone points it out to him. ... Sitting in front of him is Russell Smegma, a local tourism officer who had a lot to do with getting Ashwaubomay Lake voted #28 of 64 things to do in Green Bay. "It deserves to be even higher, but obviously Lambeau Field is always going to be Number One," he obviated. Mr Smegma was contentedly sitting in Lambeau Field this week when he started fixating on the hat worn by the man behind him. "It's wrong. The Cowboys are America's team. That, and the way the guy was smirking because he had the only cheese hat really bugged me. "I felt ice cold. Once the thought formed that I might fukn kill him, well it took hold of me. A strange event intervened, surely saving the clueless fan's life. "I left it up to the Gods. The next time Rodgers got sacked, I was going to karate chop that cunt in the throat. "But it never happened. In six full minutes of play, Aaron didn't get sacked once. I've never seen the likes of it. "Makes you believe in a higher force huh? More to come
07.01.2022 AARON DONALD BREAKS HOLDOUT The NFL's best defensive player loves the Rams more than money. Donald is back in camp. He's more in camp than anybody since Gomer Pyle. This must be sweet news for Sean McVay, who's been makin' all the right noises out front of the band, but the return of the big tuba is the only thing that can put the Oomp pa pa back into this outfit.... And what I said about him loving the Rams. More than money. Well, like a row of Kookaburras, I was just havin' a laugh. Hahaha... Aaron Donald is still holding out. So are most LA fans. Everyone knows the Rams are shot sheep. Four wins is all they'll muster this season. With or without AD. See more
05.01.2022 Prawnies Week 2 value picks
04.01.2022 Kap Signs Huge iPhone X Deal $150 Million One Year Bonanza Breaking: Who needs football? Colin Kaepernick just inked the richest single year endorsement deal in history. ... The controversial NFL quarterback will champion Apple's new signature device, the iPhone X (Ten). "It's edgy. And it's risky," admits Apple Marketing Chief, Boo Tycall. "But what better way to highlight the X's (Ten's) lack of a home button than with the most homeless guy in sports? "His face is recognised: We're about facial recognition. He's socially progressive: so are we. He's become inconveniently big: ditto! "You know people are making a powerful connection with Colin Kaepernick. There are comparisons with the historical figure, Malcolm Ten (X)" More to come
03.01.2022 FAMOUS NFL STATUES CUT DOWN Figures are "symbol of pain and oppression." They were to be immortal. ... But time has caught up with the bronze structures built in the likeness of Vince Lomarbardi, Pat Tillman, Curly Lambeau, Dan Marino and Ray Lewis. The NFL has deemed them offensive to many fans and no longer "socially cool." NFL Director Social Engineering, Ari N. Rayce, said the idea came from watching a newscast from North Carolina. "I was in Roger's office watching tv news. It hit us both at the same time," Rayce said. "These powerful social movements can't be ignored. As a league we bend or we die. "So Lombardi, Lewis, Tillman, the horses at Denver, we're cutting them all down. It'll be our strongest visual statement since we burned all the concussion "evidence". Pressed further on the league's motivation for destroying elements of football history, Rayce replied:"Some call it history. Others say those figures are a symbol of pain and oppression. "Look at what Vincent Thomas Lombardi did. He went 96-34-6. Probably responsible for inflicting more pain and misery on rival fans than any other single individual in football. "And the guy is still quoted in classrooms across America. We've got to stop that glorification of excellence or "long term, the NFL itself will be out of step with consumer markets." More to come.
01.01.2022 GORMLESS PATS FAN GETS GRASS CUT Mate Scores Touchdown Everyone knows Patriots fans are the smarmiest, whitest, dip-shittest, most entitled bunch in football, but a recent incident underlines how feckless they can be.... Seems one beaded "Patriot" went all Paul Revere and took a midnight ride on his best mate's missus. In a mournful public post the cuckolded dimwit admitted he at first thought nothing when he heard his wife moaning. "We always sleep in separate rooms after a loss. She withholds," he whined, pathetically assuming we would give a fuck. "She sometimes loudly self pleasures to rub it in, but this was... different," he added, thankfully giving no extra detail of his shit sex life. Next morning he investigated further, discovering silver paint on his wife's pillow, sheets, towel and did he have to mention it?.. landing strip. "It was the limited edition TB Five Rings Glitter Face Paint. The only bloke I know who has some is my best friend and neighbour, Clint." The useless prick then appealed for help about what to do. And copped the truckload of social derision he deserved. The Raw Prawn is not aware of the id of the cheating fan but this fat cunt would have to be a suspect.
