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23.01.2022 Connection is your Aspirin. Take it, and it will settle all inflammation. It settles your mood, your mind, your body and your relationships. A big part of connection is retaining your sense of humour. Enjoy.

22.01.2022 The more I reflect on it, the more I think that "self-regulation" is over valued. When we arrive in this world the only way to regulate our emotions is to reach out to someone. That is the way our life begins. Even though we develop techniques like breathing and learning to think differently, the best way to be soothed is by someone else; someone who is safe and wants to understand. That is the best way to do it at the beginning of our lives, during our middle years and towards the end of our life as well. We are created to be with others and only when we find those relationships will our emotions find peace. We "co-regulate" we don't "self-regulate".

20.01.2022 From manners to outrage.

19.01.2022 Friends - I need your help. I have written a book about how a three way connection (connection with others, connection with God, connection with yourself) will help you overcome a broken heart (shame, betrayal, worthlessness and not belonging). It is being edited by the lovely Lisa Neale in Sydney, and due to be published by WestBow Press. The question I have is, which book title do you prefer? A - "A Reconnected Heart - How relationships can help us heal", or... B - "A Reconnected Heart - How relationships can help heal our hurts", or C - "A Reconnected Heart - How relationships can help our hurts to heal", or D - "Hurting and Healing - How a three-way connection can mend your broken heart" I'd love your input. Thanks Jono

18.01.2022 New research highlights the dangers of trigger warnings.

18.01.2022 At our very core, when all our layers are peeled back, we are relational beings. We are not rational beings at our core. We are not political animals, we are not philosophical. We are attachers, destined to love and in desperate need of it. What this means is that we are born into the world with something of a deficit. We need people who we can trust. If we are brought up around loving people our need for consistent love can be addressed. Unfortunately, not all of us have this need met. Growing up with relational instability impacts on us at a deep level and flows centrifugally outwards: into our bodies, into our minds and our emotions. The only solution is to find stable connection....the very thing that so many of us were missing in the first place.

17.01.2022 We can be redeemed only to the extent to which we see ourselves. Martin Buber

15.01.2022 Always interesting to look at the similarities and differences between these two ideas. The first picture is an outline of what healthy Adult Attachment might look like (From Brown and Elliot (2016). Attachment Disturbances in Adults). The second comes from the Christian scriptures (Paul's letter to the Galatians). The first are the by-products that come from attachments to other humans, the second are the by-products that come from attachment to God. Both indicate that when... we get our attachments right, there are positive internal consequences, and positive pro-social consequences. The differences are interesting too. Attachment to God may lead to a more obvious change in priorities and direction (see Gal 5:24) because what we love has changed. When we love God and belong to him we actually do not want to do the things we used to. Of course this can occur in similar ways when we have human to human attachments, but is perhaps not quite so obvious in the adult attachment list that is shown. The latter (that is attachment to God), may lead to the former (attachment to others), but not the other way around so much. In sketching out what a functional / flourishing person would look like, I would certainly be encouraging people to have positive attachments to both others and God, never neglecting one for the other. This way we can receive the full benefit of both, not only for ourselves but for people around us.

12.01.2022 "The best thing about having big feelings is that I notice and experience things that other people don't notice or experience. The tough thing about having big feelings is that I notice and experience things that other people don't notice or experience" said one insightful person.

11.01.2022 Connection has real power. Not only does it improve your mood, but it also helps guard against difficult things... it helps but it also protects. Simply holding hands with someone you love has been shown to positively impact physical symptoms (Heart rate and brain waves) and to help us withstand potentially difficult experiences. This interesting little study, brought to me by an exceptional young lady, reminds us that: 1. Pain isn't directly linked to damage to the body bu...t is often modulated by something else, and 2. That human connection has a potency to soothe us even in the face of something noxious https://www.sciencedirect.com//a/abs/pii/S1526590017308167 See more

11.01.2022 There are four ways that the Heart expresses itself: mood, thought, behavioural action or physical reaction. The default language for our heart is our mood. To be sure, we still express what is on our heart in the other modalities, but what is on our heart is more clearly and readily identifiable to us and others by our mood state. Particularly for adults. That is why the question "What do you feel?" generates more personal revelations than questions such as "What do you th...ink?" or "What have you been doing?" Interpersonal trauma is trauma that occurs between people. To contrast it with other forms of trauma we might say that it is nothing like a natural disaster. Natural disasters are things like floods or fires. These horrible events impact on vast numbers of people, but oddly they aren't psychologically penetrating as the more personal forms of trauma. Interpersonal trauma involves harm inflicted by one person onto another. It would include sexual and or physical abuse, but it would also include the withdrawal of love and support (ie neglect). For people who have undergone interpersonal trauma, the default language of their heart changes into a different mode. It seems that the younger we are when the distress occurred the more likely we are to speak out our distress in this different form or expression. So when we have been impacted on by interpersonal trauma, which of the ways does our heart learn to speak more of? Physical, behavioural, cognitive or mood? (I'll give my response later in the week)

09.01.2022 Our response to the global virus may or may not be a "hysterical reaction". That is at least what the author of this article thinks. What seems less contentious is that our response has reconfigured the way we relate to each other. Rituals like weddings, birthdays and casual meetings at coffee shops mark out time and give us all opportunities to celebrate and show concern for each other. These events, once earnestly pursued are now seen with a small degree of moral skepticism...: "Should they be doing that?", "Is that really wise?", "Don't they care?". The opportunity to connect is being regulated by fear of infection, and a new concern about doing the right thing. It is not without its cost. As the weeks and months roll on, the opportunity to be with others passes us by and the opportunity to be understood, to be loved, and to engage in positive ways is missed. "Basic humanity is turning out to be one of the unforeseen casualties of this pandemic or, rather, of our reaction to it. Much of what we have lost was obvious from the moment we pressed the panic button, although perhaps not its enormous, still growing, scale. "Millions thrown on the dole. Plummeting investment. Vanished savings. Businesses collapsing, taking families and years of work with them. Treatable cancers and other ailments turned by clinical delay into life-threatening conditions. Soaring rates of suicide and self-harm, particularly among children. Mental health problems. A surge in domestic violence. "These were all predictable, and predicted. What was not so clear was how the rules allegedly preventing transmission of the virus would erode our trust in our fellow citizens, undermining the edifice of civilised human behaviour. "Humans belong with each other. There’s a clue in the word conviviality: we live and enjoy life together. So many pleasures are born of crowds: at the football; in theatres and cinemas; in restaurants and pubs; at religious gatherings; at concerts and nightclubs. "And so many of our significant moments draw meaning from the presence of friends and family as witnesses and co-celebrants, from the trivial traditions of birthday parties, school formals or reunions, to the promise of christenings and weddings, to a soothing vigil at a loved one’s deathbed and the more public occasions of funerals and memorial services. "These rituals, joyous and sombre, have been markers on the path from cradle to grave since the first tribes were formed; they have given meaning, comfort and delight to everyone, forever. They are fundamental touchstones for a functioning society"

08.01.2022 Terrific wisdom from Dr Johanna Lynch. You can see how each of the questions helps us to apply safety to each of the different realms of our lives.

06.01.2022 Recovering from trauma is difficult. The road can be long and emotional but the rate of recovery can be helped by keeping your eye on the goal of becoming resilient. If we are to be resilient, we have to know that we are not consigned to previous events. There is a serious misstep that we are making as a culture. We think, that telling others to 'brace for impact', is helpful but it is not. It only makes people vigilant and more sensitive. From the perspective of the heart,... it is vital that we learn that we are not defined by past events. This is an essential part of recovery. Trigger warnings won't help us get there. The researchers in this study found "...substantial evidence that trigger warnings countertherapeutically reinforce survivors’ view of their trauma as central to their identity." https://journals.sagepub.com//abs/10.1177/2167702620921341

03.01.2022 I could not have said it any better: "It is all about the heart" Adam Lewis is an Australian educator now living and working in Boston. He has being trying to ensure that the children at his school regain a connection. The area has been hit hard by the virus. Like students around the world the boys have had to physically distance themselves from one another. They've really only had virtual interactions. One of the students has lost a parent to the virus. To protect the boys... from the potential negative impact of quarantine and isolation, Lewis has made it a priority to get the boys back to school as soon as it is safe to do so. Why? Because it is connection with each other that will ultimately be the best protection against the threat of poor mental health. "But a relationship is more than a text message, or Instagram. It’s a connection. It’s about the heart. They were already living in an age that is increasingly superficial, increasingly different, increasingly secular and now add the pandemic to that. "Lewis says the relationship between students, and between students and teachers, needs to be nurtured with regular contact. It can’t at the moment be physical, but it at the very least needs to take place in the same space, with human looking at human, no screen in between." The relationship must come first. Everything else flows from that, he says. It’s about the heart.

03.01.2022 "There is no worshiper more ardent than the worshiper of power" Dr R Albert Mohler

03.01.2022 Some of us have wondered why a creator God seems so remote. We put this down to him not being available, either because he is not there or because he doesn't care. Those are two explanations, but there may be a third. Perhaps the reason why he is detached is because we haven't ventured to be honest. first with ourselves but then with our maker. On the weekend, I was asked what was one of my favourite all time novels. C S Lewis' Till we have Faces came immediately to mind. ... It is a retelling of the Greek myth of Psyche. Told through the voice of Orual (the sister of Psyche), who comes to a point of reckoning....where she diagnoses that the reason for her own disenchantment in the world has been because of her own insecurities and preoccupations. She remembers her education from The Fox (her tutor); how being exacting was important, being precise and taking pride with your words was the real joy...but she had become completely disillusioned with this sort of thinking. Is it possible to gouge out the truth from your heart and confess it aloud that you might be happy because you used the right words? You won't be, and she knew it. The real joy was not within her and her abilities, it is when God draws near to her because she has been more truthful to him. Her insight into this gave her an answer to why God (or Gods) have seemed so psychologically remote...because she has not spoken the truth about herself. ".....Lightly men talk of saying what they mean. Often when he was teaching me to write in Greek the Fox would say, 'Child, to say the very thing you really mean, the whole of it, nothing more or less or other than what you really mean; that's the whole art and joy of words.' "A glib saying. When the time comes to you at which you will be forced at last to utter the speech which has lain at the center of your soul for years which you have, all that time, idiot-like, been saying over and over, you'll not talk about the joy of words. I saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly, nor let us answer. Till that word can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?

02.01.2022 In the beginning was the relationship - Martin Buber