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The Slow Wake Up

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04.06.2022 BEING GENTLE : Does not come easily to me. I realised last year that I am very heavy in my masculine energy and have a prominently Choleric personality. It manifests in my intolerance for what I see as weakness in others and a lack of patience with a toddler. I wasn’t doing well with pregnancy taking control of my life and forcing me to stop ‘doing’. A burden of the old world is the belief that our worth is attached to our productivity and for me; a person with high standards... and expectations this belief was knotting up my insides with frustration. Last year we got locked down, a strange experience for all of us to move from the masculine energy into the feminine. Living in a world focused on taking action and imposing ourselves on reality we were forced to do the opposite; resting in peaceful surrender to what is was the calling for all of us. I am the only female in our household yet I am the dominating force. Nature will always seek to balance itself. When I look at the kind of wife and mother I wish to be the qualities of her have not been present within myself up until this past year, where a new me is beginning to emerge. Qualities such as a softness, openness, gentleness. I am a kind person, but this has always been carried out with directness. That may work well with colleagues and clients but it doesn’t feel like how I want to show up as a partner and a mother. Mostly it comes from heavy cultural conditioning, the so called ‘toxic masculinity' that has permeated our collective psyche. So I’m healing this side of myself, looking to restore balance includes recognising where the behavioural patterns are for healing, practicing self awareness, and being kind to myself on the journey. Tone of my voice what’s the energy I’m communicating with? Facial expression cultivating a half smile as my resting point. Self-care Beauty regime, for the first time in my life! Self talk only kind words here Choosing Unconditional Love, letting go of all ifs and buts and choose love in every situation. Even when witnessing behaviour I don’t like, even when people (including myself) are not performing to high standards.

20.05.2022 Did you know that when a caterpillar is inside its cocoon it melts down into some sort of magical goop before the cells reorganise and build themselves into an entirely different being? That’s the way I feel right now, this is where I am in life, a melted down puddle of magical goop. The melting down process has been weird and wonderful, it’s taken time. Jim Carey said depression is your Avatar needing ‘deep rest’ and I feel the truth in that; deeply. Deep rest can give you... a chance to un-layer and unburden yourself, I wanted to change the trajectory of my life, I knew if I wanted to stop the unhealthy behaviours I was used to acting out, I had to stop, ‘being me’ for a few years. That may have looked odd to close friends and family but what we don’t realise is how those close relationships, in particular, can sometimes keep us bound to the old version of ourselves, the in-authentic, reactionary, wounded energy body that needs a break. People will always tell you that it’s okay that they love you despite your flaws, but if you don’t love or even like yourself that can matter a whole lot more. YOU are the one who has to live with you, your behaviours and your choices, if you want to change who you are then that’s okay, if you need to shut out the world while you start the process that’s okay too. People won’t understand, and they can take it personally when it’s not. I'm a recovering people pleaser; it is not our job to fix others perception of us, it is our job and our responsibility to heal ourselves, to take care of our garden for when we do this it not only heals ourselves but the world. In amongst this caterpillar goop, a vision for my life has been born. I learned through intense practice that we really are powerful creators, and what you think about, you surely bring about. After living my life on autopilot I could see what I created for myself and I didn’t like it. Not this. Whispers the soul over and over again until you take some action towards change. When you can focus on the ideal version of yourself, your ideal life and you start showing up as that person today you start to grow. Spiritual growth isn’t easy, mostly it's quite dark, healing ourselves means admitting we are hurt in the first place. Most of us have a long list of coping mechanisms set in place to safeguard these dark areas of our heart but once we shine the light there we can accept and grow to love those parts of ourselves and our story too. I’m still in the magical goop phase, but I’m building some wings. I don’t live my life on autopilot anymore. My decisions are made from a place of greater awareness, I no longer feel uneasy about my behaviour and how I appear to outside perceptions. Transformation occurs daily in this space and I’m grateful to be on this journey. Butterflies are such a beautiful metaphor, I can't help but think they are here for this very reason, to remind us to change. XX

06.05.2022 I haven't posted on here in about a year.... 2020 was strange and I took a lot of time to myself. Nurturing a new life growing inside me took the top priority... I learnt deeply about how to truly care for myself, and how to integrate that care into my busy life. I've decided that I want to get back to writing here but with only the focus of the pleasure of writing and sharing what I believe to be meaningful at this time. I won't put pressure on myself to show up every day of the week nor will I be looking to turn this page into a business... This is just a blog about a spiritual awakening, about shedding cultural conditioning and losing the weight of the old world; so that we can create a new one. #createthenewearth #youarethecreator #theslowwakeup #awakeningblog #spiritualawakening