Violets not Violence | Community organisation

Violets not Violence

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21.01.2022 Join us in remeberance of the lives lost to domestic and family violence. #liveslostdfv

16.01.2022 Violence against women takes multiple forms: Intimate partner violence Physical Sexual... Psychological Female Genital Mutilation Forced and early marriages Femicide Trafficking Virginity testing END violence against women and girls!

13.01.2022 TRIGGER WARNING: Domestic Violence When I first moved out, and Lauren and I had just started living together, I would get angry and break things. Smash a plate,... or break a broom out the back. My mate Troy and I were driving to Broadway Shopping Centre one day and I told him about an argument that Lauren and I had that ended up with me smashing something. He told me, in no uncertain terms, that what I was doing was violence that would one day turn into me pushing Lauren, which would one day turn into me punching Lauren, which would one day turn into me hitting our kids. And it might stop there but maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe one day it would turn into the kind of thing we have seen happen just recently where a man set a car alight with his children and their mother inside. (All because she tried to leave.) I remember being shocked and resistant to the idea. I would never and have never hit or physically hurt my partner. I was not the kind of man that would commit domestic violence, let alone MURDER someone. Let alone a woman, let alone my partner. I was just the kind of person who needed to break a rake now and then when Lauren and I couldn’t resolve a fight. That was all it was. Just a plate or two. Or a hole in the wall. But what Troy said wouldn’t leave my mind. He was so very angry with me at the time. He didn’t swear at me, he didn’t abuse me, but he was mad about it. It didn’t ruin the day, we finished our shopping and hung out after but he was angry about me smashing the plate. Or the rake. Or the broom. Whatever it was, I can’t remember. I broke a lot of stuff. So I read up on it that night. I read stories from domestic violence survivors, I read articles and advice written by experts who deal with this sort of thing. And Troy was right. Abusive words escalate, smashing stuff escalates, pushing escalates, punching escalates. Murder doesn’t. Murder is the final escalation. I was gobsmacked. Sad. Confused. I was a good man. I loved my partner. I would love our kids. I would never had never laid a hand on her. But every thing I read began similarly, he always used to get angry, and then he started punching holes in the wall/smashing plates/slamming doors. These stories ended with violence. Always. Because, I realised, they started with violence. The smashing of plates, the slamming of doors, the punching of walls. It’s all violence. It’s all the start of a burning wick that leads to a horrific end. These objects are placeholders for the people we aren’t allowed to hit. And one day, those placeholders don’t do the job anymore and a push makes its way into the argument. Just a push. It’s not a big deal, you rationalise, and you’re sorry. And it won’t happen again, you say. And you don’t want it to happen again, you know. Because, of course you don’t. You are a good man. A good man who doesn’t hit his partner, doesn’t beat his kids, wouldn’t cover the car in petrol and set them alight. But domestic violence doesn’t work like that. It isn’t born only in bad or evil men. Domestic violence is born from small changes in already violent acts. It doesn’t care how good you want to be, and it doesn’t care how good you‘ve been in the past. It doesn’t care how much you love or how much you don’t. It doesn’t care that you are, by all accounts, good. These behaviours don’t care about your intentions, they aren’t even there for you. They are there to be the food that feeds the monster of anger and aggression. And that beast will grow in size and want for more food. It will want for more aggressive behaviours in order to quiet. And you’ll give in because every escalation is only a small step from the last one and every time it happens it is easier for it to happen again. And every time it happens again you make an excuse that if she hadn’t done what she had done or said what she had said, you wouldn’t have done what you did. Because you’re a good man. You know you are. I mean, come on, let’s not make a big deal out of it, you just broke a plate. You just punched a wall. You only pushed her back, hit her once, burned her and your children alive in a car. We must end the myth of the good man. It isn’t only bad men who are susceptible to perpetrating domestic violence. Good men are only a couple of hundred incremental changes away from being bad men. Which is why good men don’t think they can become bad men and bad men don’t think they’ve changed. Obviously, I don’t know what would have happened if Troy hadn’t called me on my behaviour. Maybe none of it would have escalated. That’s not what the research says is likely but maybe I am different. Maybe I just would have smashed plates forever. But that’s the point, we don’t know where that ends. We only know that, unaddressed, that behaviour has only two possible outcomes: it either stays the same or it escalates. Those are the only two choices. There is no possible world in which someone starts breaking kitchenware and just one day stops all of a sudden. They either keep breaking kitchenware or they move onto people. Or, they get help. I dealt with my anger by seeking professional help. I received a diagnosis of ADHD in my late 20s which I was able to treat and which helped me understand why I wasn’t processing arguments the way I was told I should be. I was able to develop tools that allowed me to do that with professional help. (Spoilers: I’m still insufferable when it comes to arguments, I just don’t get mad or smash stuff anymore.) If any man is reading this and feels ashamed that they do the same thing then I hope you know I felt ashamed too. I still feel ashamed about it. I questioned writing this because I wondered if people I knew would be ashamed of me or if their opinion would change. Even though I never hit or hurt anyone. They were just plates. I feel ashamed because admitting that what I did was what all abusive husbands once did would mean admitting that maybe one day I could hit a woman, hurt our kids, end up as not a good man. If you are ashamed, so was I. But that shame is healthy. Shame can come without judgement from those who want you to get better, to do better. You will find no judgement from a professional who can help give you the tools to be better. You will find no judgement from the psychiatrist who may be able to diagnose a neurological condition or mental health problem you didn’t know you had. And I hope you find no judgement from your friends and family when you tell them you think you need to deal with your anger in a professional setting and become a better man. An acknowledgement of shame can be healthy and we can grow from it. We can be better men not in spite of our shame but because of it. In fact, I’d argue, we can only be better men by being ashamed of our unacceptable behaviours. And we must be better men. We must be better husbands and partners. We must be better fathers. And we must be better mates. Like Troy was to me. Nothing will change without us changing ourselves, without holding our friends and family members accountable, change can only truly come from us because it starts there. And it ends there. It starts and ends with us. I never thanked Troy for what he did and said that day. I never thanked him for his caring, rational, non-judgmental, and non-violent anger. But he’ll read this so here it is: Thank you for what you said that day, thank you for holding me accountable, and thank you for helping me be better. Thank you for being what it actually means to be a mate. It is time for all of us to leave the want to be a good man behind and embrace the need to be a better one. Because that’s the only kind of good that matters. If you or anyone you know needs help: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE on 1800 RESPECT LIFELINE on 13 11 14 KIDS HELPLINE on 1800 551 800 MENSLINE AUSTRALIA on 1300 789 978 SUICIDE CALLBACK SERVICE on 1300 659 467 BEYOND BLUE on 1300 224 636 HEADSPACE on 1800 650 890 REACHOUT at au.reachout.com CARE LEAVERS AUSTRALASIA NETWORK (CLAN) on 1800 008 774 Or you can speak to your GP to discuss referral options. --- EDIT --- I'd like to clarify a few things that people are asking about or saying in the comments. Because I can't address them all as it is OVERWHELMING: 1) Lauren and I are no longer together, we were never married, and neither of us have any children. The time I was writing about was about 10 years ago and Lauren and I split for completely unrelated reasons after 13 years together in 2017. That said, we are still the best of friends who speak near daily, go to the gym together often, call each other at stupid times in order to ask advice or have a chinwag, and she always pesters me to take care of her dog/I always pester her to come on errands that are too boring to do alone. Despite the fact we are no longer together, I felt this story was important to share because we should be better men irrespective of whether or not we stay with the partner who had to endure our unacceptable behaviours. It isn't about how the relationship turned out, it is about how we as people do. You might still break up, even if you are no longer engaging in unacceptable behaviours, and it will still be worth it and it is still important. Some have also noted that I didn't apologise to Lauren in my original post for what I'd done. That is because I already have, ten years ago. And we moved through those issues together. 2) It's important to note that my post wasn't about breaking things in the middle of arguments in order to consciously scare and control my partner. That wasn't what I was doing and some have read into what I wrote as if the violence I enacted in my home was of that kind. I used to break things after arguments had ended, or we'd both stormed off to different parts of the house. I make this important distinction not to try and say that the behaviour wasn't as bad as it appears -- it was -- but rather to say the opposite. It is imperative that we understand that how we view Domestic Violence socially is not the only form it comes in. (It is common for DV to not have any physcial aspect and come in the forms of emotional or financial or mental abuse.) Breaking something out in the back shed after an argument is still an act of violence and it is a behaviour that breeds fear and is abusive. And your goal with this behaviour may not be to consciously control or terrify your partner but that is ultimately irrelevant. It's still a violent and unacceptable behaviour regardless of it being seemingly directionless and not motivated by a want to terrify and control. I would like to be clear that the behaviours I engaged in didn't often happen in front of Lauren, and by that I mean like 99 times out of 100. They usually happened after the argument. They were not done in order to try and scare her or control her. But here's the point: they were still completely unacceptable, they were still abusive, and they still fall under the umbrella of domestic violence. And unless we acknowledge that these behaviours that we don't generally accept as the same as "real" domestic violence actually are domestic violence -- and that they too can escalate -- then we will continue to ensure that they remain unaddressed and excused by those who engage in them. And we must not let that happen. I want people to see clearly the behaviours I was actually engaging in not so I can appear as if I wasn't actually engaging in DV but so people understand that those behaviours actually ARE DV despite whose property it was, whether or not it happened during or after and argument, and irrespective of motivation. 3) I've had some people write to me and say that my behaviour came from feelings of inadequacy, or they came from a belief that women were subservient, or that I was weak or a coward. One publication said I had become a "monster". All of this is a dangerous narrative. My behaviour didn't come from feelings of inadequacy, I was -- and still am -- an unabashedly passionate and vocal feminist, and I believe it is dangerous to refer to DV as only the behaviour of cowards, weaklings, and monsters. The whole point is that no one is immune from being at risk of engaging in DV. In fact, I'd argue that being a feminist and not feeling inadequate was part of the reason why I didn't see my behaviours as real domestic violence. I didn't see them as the same because the social narrative was -- and still is -- that DV comes from people who aren't feminists, who aren't personally confident, and who are weak cowards or monsters. I wasn't those things. It was just me blowing off steam, I thought. After all, all the stuff I broke was stuff I'd bought myself, I was working a job I hated so Lauren could study because I don't believe she should have to give up her dreams for anyone, and I didn't think she should do as I say or that I should have any control over her. I wasn't doing what I was doing in order to try and scare her. I knew I wasn't. I was able to find myriad reasons why breaking things in the backyard after an argument wasn't "real" domestic violence. But it was and it is. And we should stop saying that perpetrators of DV are weak, or cowards, or misogynists, or monsters. Or that these behaviours only come from feelings of inadequacy or from a want to control. That might be true in some cases but it isn't true in many and if we perpetuate that narrative, we will ensure that men who engage in DV of this kind do not see it as DV and their families will remain at risk of eventual physical violence. I was called on my behaviour early and was able to address it early. I was and am a feminist with good self-confidence and I wouldn't consider myself a coward in any regard. And I was still not immune. DV doesn't discriminate and we should make sure our conversation around what DV looks like says that loudly and clearly. And finally: 4) There seems to be a perception from quite a few that I still struggle with expressing my anger or that not breaking things is a daily struggle. But it really isn't. This is no longer a "journey I am on", it is one that I have taken. Lauren along with me. While I certainly find it hard to let a topic go, and I still have all the normal emotional experiences such as frustration and anger -- along with happiness and sadness because I'm obvs human -- I don't struggle with not breaking things or lashing out violently anymore. As I said above, that time in my life was a decade ago. I mention this for the anyone reading my post who may see themselves in it. I would like to tell you this: admitting you need help won't resign you to a life of struggling to deal with your anger. It won't remain a daily conscious thought for you for the rest of your life, admitting it won't ensure it becomes a spectre over you, a lifelong issue. Not addressing it is what will ensure it becomes a lifelong issue. But should you seek help, there is a future in which the tools you've learned have led you to a place where you don't even think about how to deal with frustration and anger in a healthy way, you just do. And when you think back on yourself you will feel that the person in your past is a completely seperate human being because they kind of will be. There is a place where your anger isn't a daily struggle and admitting that it currently is is what will get you there.

10.01.2022 Can you help to raise awareness and improve support for people experiencing domestic and family violence (DFV) in Culturally and Linguistically Diverse (CALD) c...ommunities? If you have a great idea for an awareness raising event, project or activity, apply for a grant of up to $5000 to support your initiative. Applications will close at 12 noon on Friday, 10 April 2020.

10.01.2022 1 in 6 older adults have been abused in the past year. Recognize the different forms of elder abuse

10.01.2022 ARTS FOR BUSH FIRE VICTIMS: Thease arts done by Dr Subrat Mishra are for sale to fundraise for Bush fire victims. All of the proceeds will be donated to Red cr...oss Australia. If you like these arts this is an opportunity to buy them and help the victims of this catastrophe. They are $ 100.00 each. Please contact us by messaging if you are interested. See more

09.01.2022 COVID-19 (coronavirus) continues to have an impact on the lives of all Australians. At the Centre Against Domestic Abuse, we are doing everything we can to cont...inue providing services to the community. As we do this, we need to protect the health and wellbeing of all our team members and clients. As restrictions ease, we are continuing to follow the guidelines as directed by the Government and Department of Health. Taking into consideration the social distancing rules, we are limiting our face to face appointments to Children and Youth counselling sessions, and will continue to provide telephone support to Adult clients. We will monitor this and make the necessary adjustments as the need arises. Hand sanitising stations have been installed in all offices, and PPE is available for your use. If you are feeling unwell, have travelled overseas in the last 14 days or have been in contact with someone who has tested positive to COVID, please do not attend the office. We are proud to be providing essential support in our community and we will continue to do our best to serve you and your family during this difficult time. To contact our services: Caboolture 5498-9533, Redcliffe 3283-6930, Pine Rivers 3205-5457. Our office hours are Monday to Friday 9.00am - 5.00pm. If you have an emergency please call the police on 000, or Womens Line 1800 811 811 or Mens Line 1800 600 636. Please stay safe and well!

07.01.2022 In this three-part series, Dr Ron Frey and Dr Brian Sullivan explore a practitioner’s perspective on men’s use of violence. Follow the link below to view our latest resource. https://noviolence.org.au/webinars/

06.01.2022 People who are at higher risk of domestic violence during and after COVID-19 include: Children Women... Older people We must end violence!

05.01.2022 Bravehearts White Balloon Day is Australia's biggest annual child protection campaign, dedicated to preventing child sexual assault and exploitation. Now in its... 24th year, White Balloon Day unites communities annually during National Child Protection Week to make a commitment to protecting Aussie kids. How can you help as a workplace or individual? Find out more: https://whiteballoonday.com.au/home/get-involved/

04.01.2022 Another Judiciary blunder.

04.01.2022 Lighting a candle with a minutes silence tonight to remember those lost to domestic violence. #enddv #lightacandle2020 #changetheending

01.01.2022 START DONATING NOW! HELP US RAISE $8,000! All proceeds go to Centre Against Domestic Abuse Inc. The 2019 Violets not Violence! fundraiser for CADA is sponsored by: Artisans Guild of Caboolture and District Inc, Brisbane Audio Services, Simplicité Skin Care Feature Magazine, Pappi's Cafe and Narangba Valley Tavern... https://www.gofundme.com/2019-violets-not-violence-fundrais