Camille Gray Psychology in Maroubra, New South Wales, Australia | Counsellor

Camille Gray Psychology

Locality: Maroubra, New South Wales, Australia

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24.01.2022 My entire emotional range from the mouths of children. Source: https://www.instagram.com/livefromsnacktime/ EDIT: I had no idea these would take off quite the ...way they have. Please, if you like these, you should definitely visit the Instagram link or Live From Snack Time. They have even more great stuff! See more

24.01.2022 Your boundary be not an angry electric fence that shocks those who touch it. It can be a consistent light around you that announces; ... I will be treated sacredly See more

24.01.2022 We are in grief for all our hopes and dreams for this year. 2020 is the biggest example, that life is not a travelator. And its certainly not an escalator, ever upwards. It can be a humbling, sad and difficult realisation. For many, weve got all the hours in the day to realise it.

23.01.2022 Welcome and bienvenue! I hope visiting this page is your next step towards health, success and contentment. Registered Psychologist since 2001, I believe my gentle style and knowledge can assist you with your journey.... I have worked for NSW Health, NSW Victims Services, UNSW, Tafe NSW, schools and charities. My private practice has been in operation since 2012. I am comfortable and experienced working with children, teenagers and adults of all genders, sexualities and cultural backgrounds. I welcome you all. I am fluent in English and French. Je parle francais et langlais couramment. I acknowledge the traditional custodians of this land and pay my respects to the Elders past, present and emerging. For more information or to contact me, please check out my website www.camillegraypsychology.com.au

23.01.2022 Dont forget you also finished all the laundry! (Via Mommy Owl by Lauren Lodder)

22.01.2022 I’ve been seeing so many friends seriously beating themselves up because they aren’t maximizing their time in quarantine by organizing their closets, repainti...ng, developing a side hustle, becoming a piano virtuoso, exercising themselves into a lucrative career as a swimsuit model, etc. Everybody! Seriously. Stop. And breathe. If you’re feeling adrift, there’s a reason. I’m about to drop some first semester nursing school on y’all. It’s Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Humans have basic requirements (the bottom of the pyramid) like food, water, air, shelter, sleep, etc. The biological basics. If those are met, then the next rung of the ladder is Safety and Security. If we feel safe and secure, then we can climb up and start on our Love and Belonging needs and on up the ladder we go until finally at the very tippy-top is SELF-ACTUALIZATION which would entail all of the cool aforementioned activities. The catch is, you cannot level up until the needs at the current level are fulfilled. If the needs remain unfulfilled, we remain stuck on our current level until the situation changes. Friends, in the midst of a pandemic, we are dwelling in the basement of Maslow’s pyramid. How in the heck do you think you’re going to kick butt at the highest levels when we can’t even find toilet paper for Pete’s sake. You physiologically and psychologically aren’t built to live your best life right now. Your only job is to live a life right now. A luxury that is being denied many which increases the pressure to really make every day count. But listen. Every day you are here counts. Every breath you take counts. Are you eating, drinking water, and sleeping at all these days? If so, that is a triumph right now. Cut yourself ALL THE SLACK. Focus on the bottom level. Are you showering? Eating a vegetable once in a while? Getting some sunshine and fresh air? Keeping some semblance of a sleep schedule? Start there. And be extra gentle and abundantly gracious with yourself. We’ll get through this. And right now, getting through is absolutely enough. I love you all. Hang in there. XXOO, Rachel TL;DR: Be kind to yourself.

22.01.2022 This game teaches you about the tricks used to spread conspiracy and disinformation. https://www.getbadnews.com/#next

21.01.2022 Life for so many of our ‘naughty’ kids.

21.01.2022 I wrote this yesterday for the friends of a teenager in grief.

21.01.2022 Friends, how are you all coping? If you or someone you know is struggling, this beautiful article is a great reminder of what were really doing here - and a gr...eat incentive to keep going: "Were not being asked to sit on the sofa all day. Were being asked to save lives. Its the biggest, most important job weve ever had and for a lot of people, itll come with heartbreak that a lifetime of fresh air walks wont cure." Weve been in iso for 16 days now, just taking things one day at a time. Were working on our next Honest Government Ad, with the added challenges that this situation entails - so please bear with us. Sending you all love Giordano & family

20.01.2022 I really needed this today.

20.01.2022 This looks great for families https://www.amazon.com//ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_i_jJk2Fb4ZH

19.01.2022 What a fantastic initiative to support people feeeling lonely and vulnerable. This is a much better alternative to the Emergency Department when people are feeling unsafe. There should be one near every hospital- staffed by health and peer workers. https://www.bettercare.vic.gov.au//safe-haven-cafe-mental-

18.01.2022 Sometimes, #children who have issues self-regulating or who regularly fall off their chairs or who are in constant motion or who have uncommon troubles with ...toilet training may be having #sensory difficulties that need to be compassionately recognised and addressed. Weve all heard of the 5 senses. Yet there are actually 8 main senses that are part of the sensory system in the body. Unfortunately, 3 of them are virtually unheard of, not just because they are hard to explain and pronounce, but also because they only come up when theres a problem. Another reason many have not heard of sensory processing or integration issues confined to the additional 3 senses is because of a debate that continues to unfurl in the wider clinical community. It is occupational therapists (OTs) who first theorised that sensory processing and sensory integration issues are a source of distress for many children and their families. Many issues still progress unrecognised by other specialists as they are sometimes not diagnosed under neurodevelopmental disorders or sensory processing issues. Yet it is indisputable across the disciplines that identifying sensory issues and working with an OT helps many children become calmer and better regulated. All parents and educators who wish to optimise childrens physical development should have a recognition of a childs 8 developing senses, and not just limit #play and learning opportunities to the realms of #sight, #sound, #smell, #taste and #touch. The other 3 senses and how to recognise problems with them are explored below. #VESTIBULAR SYSTEM The vestibular system includes the parts of the inner ear and brain that help control balance, eye movement and spatial orientation. It helps keep you stable and upright. It is the leading system informing us about movement and position of head relative to gravity. A bodys movements include two positions rotations and linear directionality, all of which need development. The vestibular system sends signals primarily to the neural parts of the #brain that control our eye movements and that keep us balanced and upright. #PROPRIOCEPTION The proprioceptive system senses the position, location, orientation, and movement of the body muscles and joints. Proprioception provides us with the sense of the relative position of neighbouring parts of the body and effort used to move body parts. Proprioception is activated by input to a proprioceptor in the periphery of the body. The proprioceptive sense combines sensory information from neurons in the inner ear (detecting motion and orientation) and stretch receptors in the muscles and the joint-supporting ligaments for stance. Because of proprioception, if you raise your hand, you know that your arm is over your head. You dont have to think about it or look in a mirror. Kids who have trouble with the vestibular sense or proprioception could struggle with motor skills in a number of ways. They may seem awkward and clumsy. An activity like running or even going up and down stairs may be hard for kids who have difficulty knowing how their body is oriented and whether its stable. They may move slowly or avoid activities that are too challenging. They may not know their own strength and use more muscles than they need for simple tasks, breaking pencil tips, ripping pages or giving overenthusiastic hugs. They may not like physical activities that other kids find fun. For example, they may not feel safe on the swings because theyre not getting the sensory input that tells them theyre securely seated. They may be in constant motion, bump into things or seem out of control. When kids dont get enough feedback from the sensory system, they may exaggerate their movements to get the information they need from the environment. When they walk down a hallway, they may knock into the wall to feel more anchored. They may kick their legs under their desk for the same reason. They may love physical activity like doing flips off the diving board or just jumping up and down. #INTEROCEPTION Interoception refers to sensations related to the physiological/physical condition of the body. Interoceptors are internal sensors that provide a sense of what our internal organs are feeling. Hunger and thirst are examples of interoception. It detects responses that guide regulation, including hunger, heart rate, respiration and elimination. The stimulation is detected through nerve endings lining the respiratory and digestive mucous membranes, and it works alongside the vestibular and proprioceptive senses to determine how a person perceives their own body. Well-modulated interoception helps the person detect sensations normally. For example, if a person feels their heart pounding, while it is not comfortable, trauma from the stimulation is not likely; nor will the stimulation be craved. The same is true for hunger and thirst, as well as the feeling of the need to urinate or have a bowel movement. Kids who struggle with the interoceptive sense may have trouble knowing when they feel hungry, full, hot, cold or thirsty. Having trouble with this sense can also make self-regulation a challenge. Most of us know if were hungry, full, hot, cold, thirsty, nauseated, itchy or ticklish. For kids with sensory processing issues, the brain may have trouble making sense of that information. They may not be able to tell when theyre feeling pain or when their bladder is full. An itch may feel like pain or pain may feel ticklish. Kids who struggle with the interoceptive sense can also have trouble feeling their emotions. They may not be as tuned in to the body cues that help interpret emotion. Without being able to feel and interpret those body sensations, its harder to clearly identify the emotion. For instance, a child may not feel fear because they dont recognise that their muscles are tense, their breathing is shallow and their heart is racing. Kids who are under-responsive to interoceptive sensory input may not feel or respond to sensations when they should. They may take longer than other kids to learn to use the toilet or have more frequent accidents. They may not eat as often as others because they may not feel hunger or thirst. WHAT CAN YOU DO? If you suspect your child has sensory processing issues, consider having them evaluated by an occupational therapist (OT) who specialises in sensory integration. Follow the instructions from your therapist and spend some quality time together having fun. With vestibular sense or proprioception, you may find yourself helping your child complete activities that give them opportunities to use their arms and legs at the same time. Encourage your child to spend time in free play. Make a home obstacle course, show them how to do a push-up, or just have them help rake leaves and carry groceries. With interoception, you may find that a therapist directs your child more towards mindfulness activities like meditation, which can help kids be more aware of interoceptive sensations in their bodies. Heavy work (activity that pushes or pulls against the body) or a sensory diet may be helpful as well. The point is to give your child the sensory input that they need to feel in control of their body. When they get this information, it will help them feel more stable and focused. One of the reasons that children so naturally want to fidget, jump, balance, climb, and run around with each other is because of their natural instincts to develop all of their 8 senses as they grow. Over time, most kids will figure out their own strategies to work around their weaknesses and play to their strengths. https://childmind.org/ar/the-debate-over-sensory-processing https://www.misophoniainternational.com/you-have-8-senses-n https://www.understood.org//interoception-and-sensory-proc https://www.understood.org//how-sensory-processing-issues- #neurochild #giftedness #letthemplay

18.01.2022 This kind of thing is said by people who cant stand your sadness and think that you can be distracted out of it. The truth is that when something bad happens that is out of your control, you have the right to be sad, angry, disappointed, jealous. If your grief is given respect and is allowed to be expressed, youll soon search for the silver linings, because we all strive to be happy and balanced.

17.01.2022 How to support someone who has lost a baby https://www.abc.net.au//supporting-someone-whos-l/12936168

17.01.2022 How many times do I have to ask you to...?" There are lots of reasons why parents don’t make their kids do chores. But Parental As Anything host Maggie Dent has some tips on how best to tackle chores (without the nagging!)

16.01.2022 Ive been seeing so many friends seriously beating themselves up because they arent maximizing their time in quarantine by organizing their closets, repainti...ng, developing a side hustle, becoming a piano virtuoso, exercising themselves into a lucrative career as a swimsuit model, etc. Everybody! Seriously. Stop. And breathe. If youre feeling adrift, theres a reason. Im about to drop some first semester nursing school on yall. Its Maslows Hierarchy of Needs. Humans have basic requirements (the bottom of the pyramid) like food, water, air, shelter, sleep, etc. The biological basics. If those are met, then the next rung of the ladder is Safety and Security. If we feel safe and secure, then we can climb up and start on our Love and Belonging needs and on up the ladder we go until finally at the very tippy-top is SELF-ACTUALIZATION which would entail all of the cool aforementioned activities. The catch is, you cannot level up until the needs at the current level are fulfilled. If the needs remain unfulfilled, we remain stuck on our current level until the situation changes. Friends, in the midst of a pandemic, we are dwelling in the basement of Maslows pyramid. How in the heck do you think youre going to kick butt at the highest levels when we cant even find toilet paper for Petes sake. You physiologically and psychologically arent built to live your best life right now. Your only job is to live a life right now. A luxury that is being denied many which increases the pressure to really make every day count. But listen. Every day you are here counts. Every breath you take counts. Are you eating, drinking water, and sleeping at all these days? If so, that is a triumph right now. Cut yourself ALL THE SLACK. Focus on the bottom level. Are you showering? Eating a vegetable once in a while? Getting some sunshine and fresh air? Keeping some semblance of a sleep schedule? Start there. And be extra gentle and abundantly gracious with yourself. Well get through this. And right now, getting through is absolutely enough. I love you all. Hang in there. XXOO, Rachel TL;DR: Be kind to yourself.

15.01.2022 Are you an Asker or a Guesser? Are you annoyed when you have to say No or when you have to guess what other people want?

15.01.2022 I had very thick hair as a child. But I was also very tender-headed, so I hated getting my hair combed. The first time my mother took me to the salon, I scream...ed bloody murder. So for the rest of my childhood she did my hair herself. And it always looked good. I grew to believe that my hair was my best quality. I could have on my best make-up, and my best outfit, but if my hair wasnt done rightthe whole thing was off. After college my boyfriend discovered the first bald spot on the back of my head. Soon afterwards I was diagnosed with an auto-immune condition. The doctor told me that I could eventually lose all of my hair. I was devastated. I immediately called my motherand she told me we were going to fight it. We prayed and prayed. We kept finding new oils and new shampoos. But the bald spot only grew bigger. My mother started doing my hair again-- just like when I was a kid. And whenever a new spot appeared, shed invent a new style to hide it. For the longest time no one knew. But it was so much stress. Id panic if someone was behind me in the elevator. Dating was the worst. It was like: Oh my gosh. How am I going to keep this a secret? Some mornings Id call my mom in a moment of desperation. Id tell her: I cant do this anymore. Im going to shave it off. But shed talk me out of it. Shed tell me: Dont worry. Were going to figure this out. But we never did. It only got worse and worse. By the age of thirty-one I was in a really dark place. And I decided to go on a fast because I needed some clarity from God. And thats when I made the decision. The first person I told was my mom. Shed been telling me not to do it for so longbecause she was scared too. But I needed her to be OK with it. I needed her to finish this journey with me. Everyone in the hair salon was nervous. The person in the next chair was nervous. Even the hairdresser was nervous. She was like: Do you really want to do this? But then she took out the clippers, and began to shave it off. My mother was the first one to break the silence. After the first pass of the clippers, she looked closely at my head. And then she announced to the whole salon: Its going to look good! See more

15.01.2022 Were all still working on it.

15.01.2022 How to chose the right psychologist or counsellor https://www.abc.net.au//finding-the-right-psychol/10139160

13.01.2022 https://www.facebook.com/BuzzFeedUK/videos/397594727938991/

10.01.2022 I have two sons with the same condition. But Connolly had the toughest road, because he’s the oldest. And he had to figure everything out himself. I think it w...as around 4th grade when kids started calling him ‘Baldy’ on the playground. Some days he’d come home crying and say things like: ‘‘I miss my hair.’ That’s when the mama bear would come out. I wanted to fix the problem so badly. I knew a couple of the kids who were responsible, so I wanted to go to his school and speak to them. Never in a punitive way, but just to give them some information. But every time I offered, Connolly would tell me that it wasn’t necessary. He’s always been so self-assured, so he’d promise me that he was OK. His mind changed on the day when he wasn’t picked for a team at recess. He’s one of the most athletic kids in his classso he knew it was for other reasons. And on the way home from school, he told me: ‘I’m ready for you to come in now.’ We worked together to make a presentation. There were four different classes in his fourth grade, and we gave a speech to each of them. We stood up there together. I spoke first because I wanted to get out a few key pieces of information: ‘Alopecia is an autoimmune disease where your body rejects your hair. It’s not cancer. And it’s not contagious.’ But after that we’d open it up to questions, and that’s when Connolly took over. He’s such an outgoing kid. He started calling on all his friends. And wouldn’t you knowthe kids who had picked on him were the ones raising their hands the highest. After that day, all the negative comments stopped. He finished elementary school without an issue, and he’s moving on to middle school with a strong group of advocates. My main worry now is his younger brother Damon, who just started kindergarten. He’s a bit more reserved than Connolly. He’s so sensitive and tender in that little boy way. And one day he came home crying because one of the kids had called him ‘Baldy.’ Connolly walked over, put his arm around Damon, and said: ‘Don’t worry, you’re just dealing with people who don’t understand.’ Then he turned to me and said: ‘I think it’s time we all gave an alopecia talk to Damon’s class.’ See more

09.01.2022 Alopecia is not your fault. Decades of studies have been dedicated to finding the root cause of alopecia, and the only things that all doctors can agree on is ...that there is currently no cure, it is unique to the individual, it is based on a complex gene interaction, and it is not the individuals fault. See more

08.01.2022 TRIGGER WARNING: Domestic Violence When I first moved out, and Lauren and I had just started living together, I would get angry and break things. Smash a plate,... or break a broom out the back. My mate Troy and I were driving to Broadway Shopping Centre one day and I told him about an argument that Lauren and I had that ended up with me smashing something. He told me, in no uncertain terms, that what I was doing was violence that would one day turn into me pushing Lauren, which would one day turn into me punching Lauren, which would one day turn into me hitting our kids. And it might stop there but maybe it wouldnt. Maybe one day it would turn into the kind of thing we have seen happen just recently where a man set a car alight with his children and their mother inside. (All because she tried to leave.) I remember being shocked and resistant to the idea. I would never and have never hit or physically hurt my partner. I was not the kind of man that would commit domestic violence, let alone MURDER someone. Let alone a woman, let alone my partner. I was just the kind of person who needed to break a rake now and then when Lauren and I couldnt resolve a fight. That was all it was. Just a plate or two. Or a hole in the wall. But what Troy said wouldnt leave my mind. He was so very angry with me at the time. He didnt swear at me, he didnt abuse me, but he was mad about it. It didnt ruin the day, we finished our shopping and hung out after but he was angry about me smashing the plate. Or the rake. Or the broom. Whatever it was, I cant remember. I broke a lot of stuff. So I read up on it that night. I read stories from domestic violence survivors, I read articles and advice written by experts who deal with this sort of thing. And Troy was right. Abusive words escalate, smashing stuff escalates, pushing escalates, punching escalates. Murder doesnt. Murder is the final escalation. I was gobsmacked. Sad. Confused. I was a good man. I loved my partner. I would love our kids. I would never had never laid a hand on her. But every thing I read began similarly, he always used to get angry, and then he started punching holes in the wall/smashing plates/slamming doors. These stories ended with violence. Always. Because, I realised, they started with violence. The smashing of plates, the slamming of doors, the punching of walls. Its all violence. Its all the start of a burning wick that leads to a horrific end. These objects are placeholders for the people we arent allowed to hit. And one day, those placeholders dont do the job anymore and a push makes its way into the argument. Just a push. Its not a big deal, you rationalise, and youre sorry. And it wont happen again, you say. And you dont want it to happen again, you know. Because, of course you dont. You are a good man. A good man who doesnt hit his partner, doesnt beat his kids, wouldnt cover the car in petrol and set them alight. But domestic violence doesnt work like that. It isnt born only in bad or evil men. Domestic violence is born from small changes in already violent acts. It doesnt care how good you want to be, and it doesnt care how good youve been in the past. It doesnt care how much you love or how much you dont. It doesnt care that you are, by all accounts, good. These behaviours dont care about your intentions, they arent even there for you. They are there to be the food that feeds the monster of anger and aggression. And that beast will grow in size and want for more food. It will want for more aggressive behaviours in order to quiet. And youll give in because every escalation is only a small step from the last one and every time it happens it is easier for it to happen again. And every time it happens again you make an excuse that if she hadnt done what she had done or said what she had said, you wouldnt have done what you did. Because youre a good man. You know you are. I mean, come on, lets not make a big deal out of it, you just broke a plate. You just punched a wall. You only pushed her back, hit her once, burned her and your children alive in a car. We must end the myth of the good man. It isnt only bad men who are susceptible to perpetrating domestic violence. Good men are only a couple of hundred incremental changes away from being bad men. Which is why good men dont think they can become bad men and bad men dont think theyve changed. Obviously, I dont know what would have happened if Troy hadnt called me on my behaviour. Maybe none of it would have escalated. Thats not what the research says is likely but maybe I am different. Maybe I just would have smashed plates forever. But thats the point, we dont know where that ends. We only know that, unaddressed, that behaviour has only two possible outcomes: it either stays the same or it escalates. Those are the only two choices. There is no possible world in which someone starts breaking kitchenware and just one day stops all of a sudden. They either keep breaking kitchenware or they move onto people. Or, they get help. I dealt with my anger by seeking professional help. I received a diagnosis of ADHD in my late 20s which I was able to treat and which helped me understand why I wasnt processing arguments the way I was told I should be. I was able to develop tools that allowed me to do that with professional help. (Spoilers: Im still insufferable when it comes to arguments, I just dont get mad or smash stuff anymore.) If any man is reading this and feels ashamed that they do the same thing then I hope you know I felt ashamed too. I still feel ashamed about it. I questioned writing this because I wondered if people I knew would be ashamed of me or if their opinion would change. Even though I never hit or hurt anyone. They were just plates. I feel ashamed because admitting that what I did was what all abusive husbands once did would mean admitting that maybe one day I could hit a woman, hurt our kids, end up as not a good man. If you are ashamed, so was I. But that shame is healthy. Shame can come without judgement from those who want you to get better, to do better. You will find no judgement from a professional who can help give you the tools to be better. You will find no judgement from the psychiatrist who may be able to diagnose a neurological condition or mental health problem you didnt know you had. And I hope you find no judgement from your friends and family when you tell them you think you need to deal with your anger in a professional setting and become a better man. An acknowledgement of shame can be healthy and we can grow from it. We can be better men not in spite of our shame but because of it. In fact, Id argue, we can only be better men by being ashamed of our unacceptable behaviours. And we must be better men. We must be better husbands and partners. We must be better fathers. And we must be better mates. Like Troy was to me. Nothing will change without us changing ourselves, without holding our friends and family members accountable, change can only truly come from us because it starts there. And it ends there. It starts and ends with us. I never thanked Troy for what he did and said that day. I never thanked him for his caring, rational, non-judgmental, and non-violent anger. But hell read this so here it is: Thank you for what you said that day, thank you for holding me accountable, and thank you for helping me be better. Thank you for being what it actually means to be a mate. It is time for all of us to leave the want to be a good man behind and embrace the need to be a better one. Because thats the only kind of good that matters. If you or anyone you know needs help: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE on 1800 RESPECT LIFELINE on 13 11 14 KIDS HELPLINE on 1800 551 800 MENSLINE AUSTRALIA on 1300 789 978 SUICIDE CALLBACK SERVICE on 1300 659 467 BEYOND BLUE on 1300 224 636 HEADSPACE on 1800 650 890 REACHOUT at au.reachout.com CARE LEAVERS AUSTRALASIA NETWORK (CLAN) on 1800 008 774 Or you can speak to your GP to discuss referral options. --- EDIT --- Id like to clarify a few things that people are asking about or saying in the comments. Because I cant address them all as it is OVERWHELMING: 1) Lauren and I are no longer together, we were never married, and neither of us have any children. The time I was writing about was about 10 years ago and Lauren and I split for completely unrelated reasons after 13 years together in 2017. That said, we are still the best of friends who speak near daily, go to the gym together often, call each other at stupid times in order to ask advice or have a chinwag, and she always pesters me to take care of her dog/I always pester her to come on errands that are too boring to do alone. Despite the fact we are no longer together, I felt this story was important to share because we should be better men irrespective of whether or not we stay with the partner who had to endure our unacceptable behaviours. It isnt about how the relationship turned out, it is about how we as people do. You might still break up, even if you are no longer engaging in unacceptable behaviours, and it will still be worth it and it is still important. Some have also noted that I didnt apologise to Lauren in my original post for what Id done. That is because I already have, ten years ago. And we moved through those issues together. 2) Its important to note that my post wasnt about breaking things in the middle of arguments in order to consciously scare and control my partner. That wasnt what I was doing and some have read into what I wrote as if the violence I enacted in my home was of that kind. I used to break things after arguments had ended, or wed both stormed off to different parts of the house. I make this important distinction not to try and say that the behaviour wasnt as bad as it appears -- it was -- but rather to say the opposite. It is imperative that we understand that how we view Domestic Violence socially is not the only form it comes in. (It is common for DV to not have any physcial aspect and come in the forms of emotional or financial or mental abuse.) Breaking something out in the back shed after an argument is still an act of violence and it is a behaviour that breeds fear and is abusive. And your goal with this behaviour may not be to consciously control or terrify your partner but that is ultimately irrelevant. Its still a violent and unacceptable behaviour regardless of it being seemingly directionless and not motivated by a want to terrify and control. I would like to be clear that the behaviours I engaged in didnt often happen in front of Lauren, and by that I mean like 99 times out of 100. They usually happened after the argument. They were not done in order to try and scare her or control her. But heres the point: they were still completely unacceptable, they were still abusive, and they still fall under the umbrella of domestic violence. And unless we acknowledge that these behaviours that we dont generally accept as the same as "real" domestic violence actually are domestic violence -- and that they too can escalate -- then we will continue to ensure that they remain unaddressed and excused by those who engage in them. And we must not let that happen. I want people to see clearly the behaviours I was actually engaging in not so I can appear as if I wasnt actually engaging in DV but so people understand that those behaviours actually ARE DV despite whose property it was, whether or not it happened during or after and argument, and irrespective of motivation. 3) Ive had some people write to me and say that my behaviour came from feelings of inadequacy, or they came from a belief that women were subservient, or that I was weak or a coward. One publication said I had become a "monster". All of this is a dangerous narrative. My behaviour didnt come from feelings of inadequacy, I was -- and still am -- an unabashedly passionate and vocal feminist, and I believe it is dangerous to refer to DV as only the behaviour of cowards, weaklings, and monsters. The whole point is that no one is immune from being at risk of engaging in DV. In fact, Id argue that being a feminist and not feeling inadequate was part of the reason why I didnt see my behaviours as real domestic violence. I didnt see them as the same because the social narrative was -- and still is -- that DV comes from people who arent feminists, who arent personally confident, and who are weak cowards or monsters. I wasnt those things. It was just me blowing off steam, I thought. After all, all the stuff I broke was stuff Id bought myself, I was working a job I hated so Lauren could study because I dont believe she should have to give up her dreams for anyone, and I didnt think she should do as I say or that I should have any control over her. I wasnt doing what I was doing in order to try and scare her. I knew I wasnt. I was able to find myriad reasons why breaking things in the backyard after an argument wasnt "real" domestic violence. But it was and it is. And we should stop saying that perpetrators of DV are weak, or cowards, or misogynists, or monsters. Or that these behaviours only come from feelings of inadequacy or from a want to control. That might be true in some cases but it isnt true in many and if we perpetuate that narrative, we will ensure that men who engage in DV of this kind do not see it as DV and their families will remain at risk of eventual physical violence. I was called on my behaviour early and was able to address it early. I was and am a feminist with good self-confidence and I wouldnt consider myself a coward in any regard. And I was still not immune. DV doesnt discriminate and we should make sure our conversation around what DV looks like says that loudly and clearly. And finally: 4) There seems to be a perception from quite a few that I still struggle with expressing my anger or that not breaking things is a daily struggle. But it really isnt. This is no longer a "journey I am on", it is one that I have taken. Lauren along with me. While I certainly find it hard to let a topic go, and I still have all the normal emotional experiences such as frustration and anger -- along with happiness and sadness because Im obvs human -- I dont struggle with not breaking things or lashing out violently anymore. As I said above, that time in my life was a decade ago. I mention this for the anyone reading my post who may see themselves in it. I would like to tell you this: admitting you need help wont resign you to a life of struggling to deal with your anger. It wont remain a daily conscious thought for you for the rest of your life, admitting it wont ensure it becomes a spectre over you, a lifelong issue. Not addressing it is what will ensure it becomes a lifelong issue. But should you seek help, there is a future in which the tools youve learned have led you to a place where you dont even think about how to deal with frustration and anger in a healthy way, you just do. And when you think back on yourself you will feel that the person in your past is a completely seperate human being because they kind of will be. There is a place where your anger isnt a daily struggle and admitting that it currently is is what will get you there.

08.01.2022 This kind of thing is said by people who can’t stand your sadness and think that you can be distracted out of it. The truth is that when something bad happens that is out of your control, you have the right to be sad, angry, disappointed, jealous. If your grief is given respect and is allowed to be expressed, you’ll soon search for the silver linings, because we all strive to be happy and balanced.

07.01.2022 I printed out a behavior chart for myself. . I need to buy me some stickers for my chart. #parenting #pandemicparenting #behaviorchart #underoneumbrella Credit to Affinity Consulting Ontario.

06.01.2022 The way I see most Mental Health Campaigns, including R U Ok Day, is that theyre managed by inspirational leaders, created with jaw-droppingly good intent but ...based on (unfortunately) old science! Like most frameworks of the modern Western World - they focus on behavioural change. Specifically, reaching out and talking to someone. What we now know is that a brain that is highly anxious, traumatised, depressed, shut down or in survival mode is a brain that will find talking exceptionally difficult! And the more overwhelming those mental experiences, the harder any cognitive process (including talking) will be! We are effectively asking the most vulnerable people in our society to do something they cant possibly do! This is devastatingly unhelpful. If we could move all of the mental health campaigns away from the talk to someone rhetoric and towards what recent research shows us to be true, wed be focusing on regulating the nervous system, not talking. On connection, before communication. Educating the world about how to lower a highly aroused nervous system, so that our limbic system can calm down, so that our body can unclench, so that our cognitive functioning begins to return. So that eventually we might be able to form analytical thoughts, make sense of our experiences and take steps to get better. This is 100%, hand on heart, devastatingly critical to our future. And it isnt just my opinion, its science. Until we shift the focus of mental health campaigns from behavioural action to regulatory action we will have a world filled with people doing the only thing they possibly can. Staying safe. Which involves functioning at our best, smiling, carrying on and holding it together. Because a world that asks of us that which we cant possibly do is not a safe place. And in THAT world talking isnt an option, its an impossibility. xxx #connectionbeforecommunication

06.01.2022 Listen to what your body and mind need. They are wise and they are on your side.

06.01.2022 I just did a therapy group with some 3-year olds at a preschool. It was adorable. We talked about our worries and then got some help from The Wiggles to Shake Our Worries Out.

06.01.2022 LOVE IT - worthwhile sharing <3

05.01.2022 https://www.facebook.com/673378311/posts/10160732237878312/

05.01.2022 Science is not bigoted.

04.01.2022 Ready for psychometric testing.

02.01.2022 https://www.facebook.com/692019664/posts/10159239612999665/

02.01.2022 Gender options in my medical record form

01.01.2022 Thanks Fred Spalding