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The Sugar Doctor

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22.01.2022 I mean, so obvs people can be jerks... how do you maintain personal boundaries in the time of easing restrictions around COVID-19?

21.01.2022 MUST WATCH: A short history of American (and Australian) economics. If you’re seeing this, you’re engaged with a page that is all about building relationships. How can we ever hope to truly build love and connection in our lives and communities when BIPOC continue to be systemically oppressed? ... Please watch, learn, and then share and use YOUR personal influence and YOUR platform to #amplifymelanatedvoices https://youtu.be/E46uaDCcT9Y

20.01.2022 Is it like gazumping? Cause that IS bad... or Zoomies? But they're great... what in the heck is it, and what do I do? Kia & I delve into the brand new world of Zumping.

20.01.2022 I'm so excited to be part of this 6 week online course for new and expecting parents, to give you practical skills and personalised resources and support so that you are prepared for the arrival of your new baby! Check out the details below, and make sure to sign up soon for the special launch price!

16.01.2022 This this this this this this this this this. Imagine if relationships were built on invitations to intimacy not demands To meet my needs. Also please read in conjunction with radio show about phone use as it’s all the things I’d love to have said!

16.01.2022 Let’s pick up on the theme we’ve been working on in the last few posts by imagining a scenario that happens all the time in couples therapy: Partner A makes a r...equest of Partner B, and Partner B feels a rise of resistance. This resistance shows up as one or more of the following: * criticizing Partner A for wanting this change in the first place. * saying that the requested change is silly, extreme, or not worth doing. * proclaiming that others don’t need this change or wouldn’t want this or would experience the exact same kind and level of resistance. This resistance for sure deserved to be attended to because maybe Partner A is asking for a change that is harmful, or manipulative, or in the service of control or abuse. But, there’s may very well be something else going on. Partner B’s resistance may be an unconscious sleight of hand, a way of distracting everyone from looking at the dust that’s getting kicked up inside of Partner B. So you know that’s what I’m going to want us to talk about! I am going to invite Partner B to explore their fear of making the requested change. This question can be helpful: Who are you afraid you will become if you make this change? Partner B’s answer may be something like: * I’m afraid of becoming a disappearing woman who works so hard to gain her partner’s approval that she loses herself. * Im afraid of becoming an emasculated man who can’t stand on his own two feet. Stories like this may be relics of icky family dynamics in which people demanded subservience to keep the peace. There surely are toxic love stories in which people have to (or feel they have to) break up with themselves to stay in the relationship. But something else is true... Love requires that we expand. Love asks us to make space inside ourselves to accommodate the needs of another. Love challenges us to figure out how to honor another without surrendering ourselves. And we can. And when we do, we deserve to feel proud, not ashamed. Elevated, not diminished. Caring, not weak. Our work is to figure out the story behind our resistance and discern the degree to which this story is so fearful that it blocks our love. See more

16.01.2022 We tend to focus on infidelity, but intimate betrayal can take many forms: lies/dishonesty about money, work, the past, friendships, health problems, family mat...ters, etc. When a betrayal comes to light, or is disclosed, the couple is at a crossroads: Does this destroy us, or do we try to repair? The path of recovery is rich with BOTH landmines AND opportunities for intimacy. At the level of the INDIVIDUAL, each person has work to do. The one who has been hurt sits with questions: * How did I miss this? * Who am I for opting to stay? * How will I know whether and when I’m safe? * What do I need to learn from this? The one who has been dishonest sits with questions: * How could I hurt someone I love? * Will I be forgiven? * How do I have empathy for their pain without drowning in my own shame? * What do I need to learn from this? At the level of the RELATIONSHIP, the couple needs to figure out how to handle when the betrayed partner is triggered. Because that will happen. Regularly. These moments must be faced as a couple. There are basically three paths available when the betrayed person gets triggered: two that don’t promote healing and one that does. Let’s lay them out: * Unhelpful Path #1: Betrayed partner bites their tongue and doesn’t tell their partner when they are triggered. This path grows resentment and loneliness, as the betrayed partner feels, Where are you when I need you? and the injuring partner thinks things are better than they really are. * Unhelpful Path #2: Betrayed partner rages when they are triggered. This path is totally understandable but unhelpful because the injuring partner can point their finger (You’re just so mad!) rather than leaning in (I can see the pain I’ve caused and I want to be with you in that pain). * Helpful Path: Betrayed partner tells injuring partner when they are triggered. Injuring partner resists the pulls of defensiveness (Again? I’m always in the dog house with you!) and shame (I am a horrible person). Instead they step up as an ally (Thank you for telling me. I’m right here with you. Let’s address your pain together.) Healing must be a two-person endeavor. See more

14.01.2022 It is possible to simultaneously hold two (or more) paradoxical beliefs are the same time. In fact, it is NECESSARY. The world is not either/ or and it’s not this/ not this. It’s BOTH/ AND! So, I wholeheartedly agree with this post from Clementine Ford. It’s true. I see it A LOT. And it’s patriarchal bullshit. Fuck that.... AND I also wholeheartedly believe that the following things are true; * those men have been raised in the same patriarchy and have been patterned such that they couldn’t be otherwise * many womxn who buy into the my husband is my third child bullshit, COMPLETELY OVERLOOK the multitude of things their partner does, and in fact test them like the child they’re not. * AND I wholeheartedly believe that the way we repattern this is IN RELATIONSHIP. Together. As a team that supports each other, that does the work together. That’s not to say stay with your lazy asshole BF but to say: let’s be careful and check the ways that YOU perpetuate the stereotypes before you pint the finger at them. Your personal level of awareness and personal development and education as a feminist and anti-racist human will dictate how clear you can be on which of these groups you fall into.

13.01.2022 STOP IT! Fucking stop it! Don’t tell me your relationship problems are because of your partners childhood (as a smug and knowing aside) or that they’re having a midlife crisis... or it’s their depression... or they’re a narcissist/gas lighting you... alcoholic, workaholic, selfish, rude, hormonal, bipolar, ... what did I miss? Don’t book time with a therapist to drop your partner off- that is, to deliver them and be there filled with empathy in the session as they discover ...that THEY are the problem! STOP IT!

12.01.2022 New video. I hope it’s supportive. Help! My partner won’t go to couples therapy with me! Let’s talk about this tough situation. When one partner is ready fo...r couples therapy and the other one isn’t, a painful cycle can set in: * If you loved me, you’d go! * If you loved me, you wouldn’t ask me to go! Here are three questions that can help you get unstuck. #lovingbravely See more

12.01.2022 ARE YOU PREGNANT? Or have a friend, family member, or colleague who is? This brilliant six week program, Prepared Together, is for you! Here’s my lovely friend Anna Cusack discussing the reasons why she created the program and what you can expect to learn (hint: it’s all the things!)... Anna is a post party doula and exercise physiologist and has brought together some incredible experts for this program. It starts today, but you can join anytime - see you there! https://www.abc.net.au//new-parents-advice-in-co/12518138

11.01.2022 Being isolated at home is not all Netflix, knitting and reorganizing cupboards for everyone. Many people will be struggling with abusive relationships during this time. There is support available.

11.01.2022 This is one of my favorite questions of all time, as it really helps us expand our relational self-awareness. A lot of us move through the world hyper-focused o...n what the *other* person is doing (our parent, our partner, our kid). There are a couple of different origin stories that can create a tendency to position ourselves as REACTORS rather than ACTORS. You may struggle to understand how YOUR words and actions are co-creating a dynamic if: * You were highly sensitive as kids, so being hyper focused on the mood of the people around you may have helped you know how to set expectations. * You occupy one or more marginalized identities, so being hyper focused on those who have more power is a survival strategy. Another type of origin story has to do with: * A family dynamic in which you were the golden child. Nobody held you accountable or talked with you about how your behavior affected others. * The fact that you occupy more privileged identities and therefore you are more accustomed to setting the tone rather than reacting to it. The first set of stories are about powerlessness and the second set are about false/phony powerfulness. Neither dynamic sets the stage for healthy relationships. Life may not have given you many opportunities to flip the script and get curious about how the people around you are experiencing you. We can have a skill deficit that isn’t our fault but is nonetheless ours to remedy. Develop a practice of imagining how the people you’re relating to are feeling in your presence: What’s it like to be with me right now? * Am I making it safe to speak vulnerably to me? * How gentle is my tone? * To what degree is my energy opening dialog up or shutting it down? * How present vs distracted am I? Here’s the catch. Don’t use your findings to fuel self-flagellation. Don’t beat yourself up! Just use your findings to guide different choices: * Do you need more sleep? * Do you need some space? * Are you being hard on them because you’re hard on you? * What are you afraid will happen if you become more approachable? * Do you need to put your phone down so you can listen with your whole face? See more

10.01.2022 That’s BIG; relational dynamics are more important than individual! That means as a WE, we can heal the individual patterns and grow together

08.01.2022 Such a well written piece that captures the essence of how it feels. How it feels to know that every tiny piece will add up, and that it already has momentum, you can see it escalate and you’ve been there before. If this is you, I see you. Victims of domestic violence may sometimes appear to be overreacting to supposedly innocuous actions of the perpetrator, but they are reacting to that code of abuse that is linked to past violence. They are desperately trying to avoid that violence from happening again.

06.01.2022 Listen in conjunction with the post below from Dr Alexandra Solomon about the desire within a criticism!

06.01.2022 This is, hands down, my least favorite communication style... I’m such a literal communicator that the sneaky vibe gets me all AND I’ve also been that person! In a past life... before I realised that asking for what I want is a really great way to get it, and that NOT asking rarely gets a result... And don’t even start me on the passive aggressive folk I’ve worked with. I hope you’re not still as sad as you deliberately made me, that you’ve found some peace

06.01.2022 Every time you wait, the resentment builds and frustration simmers. These become huge barriers to actually reaching any resolution when you eventually decide to go...

04.01.2022 Tell me how you were loved and I will tell you how you make love. But tell me about your sexual fantasies and it will tell me about the needs and expectations t...hat are bundled in your erotic encountersthe longings, hopes, fears, pains and struggles. We invest our sexual experiences with a complex set of needs and expectations. We seek love, pleasure, escape, validation, ecstasy, visibility, unity, and transcendence. Our sexual fantasies are a fount of information about our internal lives and the relational dynamics of our partnerships. They comprise a code language. For more on sexual fantasies, read this month's blog post: https://estherperel.com/blog/sexual-taboos-sexual-fantasy

03.01.2022 What’s the go with that hilarious ad fresh outta NZ on kids watching porn... what’s the gap between fantasy and reality... and how do we talk about porn with those in our life? I mean, Obvs at a dinner party with a nice glass of red... Kia Handley and I got serious about sex and porn on our show on Monday