Ballard's 915 high st thornbury in Melbourne, Victoria, Australia | Dive Bar
Ballard's 915 high st thornbury
Locality: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Phone: +61 406 095 604
Address: 915 High St thornbury 3071 Melbourne, VIC, Australia
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25.01.2022 Just another day scrolling through the social media feed of former friends and colleagues in New Zealand posting photos of bands theyre seeing, movies theyre attending and the life of normal theyre embracing as I once again try and find enough moments in the day to propel one minute to the next. I guess I should promote this weekends banquet deal it must be soon right? Is it today? I think its on Sunday? Or was it Saturday? Why did it take me 5 minutes to work out what mo...nth it was on that application form? Why am I endlessly refreshing the guardian update? Oh god... Buy food for this weekend. Its available gluten free as well if thats a saucy offer that gets the juices flowing. Add a cheesecake or crumble & custard for another $15 and youve got food for days as the aching void stretches on without end. Call now. I am receptive.
25.01.2022 Many moons ago, one of the aging Italians from the shop next door to fans dropped off a package that had been mistakenly delivered to their shop. Making casual conversation, i replied when asked how things were going, that it was nice at the moment as I wasnt working 6 days anymore. Noticing that the elderly gentlemen was now looking at me as if Id slapped them, they stammered out some goodbye and left immediately.... Well that was odd I thought and then returned to what I was doing pushing aside all concerns about weird offence. Several hours later I had to pop into his store to buy something. What the hell did you do to Tony their assistant asked? What do you mean? Hes looking shocked back there? I just told them I was happy to not be working 6 days anymore. Six days? Nothing about sex? No?!? What on earth are you talking about?? Oh they thought you were boasting about all the sex you were now getting... sex?!? Six you muppet... its this damn New Zealand accent... and we share a gentle laugh about the fact that Id nearly given an 80 year old Italian man a coronary over perceived youthful lust filled activities. Anyhoo - I managed to find myself the gentle recipient of a similar misunderstanding yesterday when talking to a friend with a pronounced European accent about how they were coping with the lockdown and restrictions. You know Im really into foreplay right? Ergh? What? Ah...ok..yeah its good... I dont really think about it too much... definitly dont talk about it with casual acquaintances... But when you cant get it you just make do right? Ah...I suppose... yeah... But at the end of the day you know what you prefer (Thinking oh god whats happening to me) So.. when I cant get it i just wait until next week and its restocked? Ergh what??? You know, quilton is my preferred brand but Oh.... thank god 4 ply toilet paper.... I get you... Haha hilarity... Buy food.
25.01.2022 Would i describe myself as a patron of the arts and not a parasitic scourge sponging off the talent of others? Definitely. That’s why we are having another Sunday of musicality from the wonderful Kathrine Daly and a talent apparently too good that we can’t announce in advance who it is but the confidant money is on it being eddy current performing an afternoon of AC/DC covers. Music starts from 3.30pm but I’ll be too busy counting the large piles of cash I use to prop up fur...niture and steady tables to notice. That’s the life of a small business owner, fast cars, sexy nightclubs who has the time to serve anyone an $18 vegan roast from 4pm? Not this guy. But if you’re really lucky, I may even pause from further additions to my shitlist comprised of the names and addresses of online grammar correctors and those that accuse me of having only a passing knowledge of punctuation to acknowledge you with a surly grunt and indifferent sneer. Yep another magical day spent at Ballards. Come home, we’re your friend, we’re not like the others.
25.01.2022
24.01.2022 Hahaha not so smug now are you you kiwi bastards? Oh look at us! We have respect for authority... we dont have sex with used hotel beds... weve never shared a smoko with a poorly trained person on minimum wage thats been privatised to protect society because that always works out well. Ive never punched a grandmother over toilet paper. Were so much better than you fools in Dictoria. Well? Hows that working out for you now?? Civil defence warnings issued, mass panic, tr...affic jams out of that fetid swamp I like to call Aucklandinium as you stream towards the weekend bach in a noble attempt to be patient zero of piha. Well listen up you fuzzy little lets just get the knives on shitheads! Weve been fucked around over here by a fairly good cross-section of mean-tempered, rule-crazy restrictions these past few months whilst youve been boasting about local music scenes and nation wide tours, and now it's my turn. So fuck you, Mr New Zealander. I'm in charge and youre locked inside with me again as I struggle to muster the enthusiasm to roll out of bed to shit and cant tell a day from a week. Now youre locked in here with me. Do we do this menu again this weekend? I dont know anymore. Morale low. Enthusiasm flagging. Even smiling makes my face ache... Call now!!
24.01.2022 In an odd change of pace from my new obsession with foot pics, here’s a delightful addition to our summery menu. Lightly pickled kohlarabi with a horseradish creme fraiche, celery and a crunchy pea crumble. (If you look closely you’ll see a foot reflected in a piece of cucumber)
23.01.2022 The year was 1983 and Richard hadlee looked up from where they were methodically putting away their equipment after another outing where they carried the national equivalent of the morrinsville 2nd XI to international glory. Pfft Nz team they thought, I am the New Zealand team, no matter what the mantis said I deserved every accolade and player of the series car I kept to myself. To thine own self be true he muttered as a noted scholar of the dark arts and Crowley. Used to b...eing ostracised for, and let’s be frank, being a bit of a wanker, hadlee stirred at the imposing figure standing in front of them breaking the normal post game silence and isolation that they endured by being an unlikeable stain. Have a toke on this they said... I’m Stephen Fleming and I’m from the future. Dion hash has harnessed the power of stress fractures and a hatred of Danny Morrison to control time itself and I’m to tell you to lighten up and learn that a team is only as strong as it’s weakest link and that’s how I learned to channel my inability to convert 50’s into success for the good of the nation. By god this is good stuff and you’re right, but I can’t hear the truth of your words with this vest on, let me show what a shortened run up can do to a mans anus and let’s go.... Extract from a A tmartfaulk joint
23.01.2022 God what I wouldnt give to be back at fans on a Sunday night for a round of imposing music and movie trivia. Frosty pint raised to lips as Liam held the audience in the palm of their hand with our well written zingers and obscure facts. Even if it was a difficult night I had no worries. Were losing them Id whisper across the bar, but without panic as I knew he always kept one in the tank in case of emergencies, and without pause they would start doing the macarena and just... like that wed be back on track It was the monthly highlight for many of those sad sacks, those cubicle drones being entertained by the flickering lights of what open sourced editing software could provide. The laughter, the groans, the people storming out. What a time to be alive... And now? Now I just listen to podcasts about the red army, cook $18 vegan roasts and wonder if I have the strength of will to a hijack a plane towards Cuba... Strange thoughts this lonely night in thornbury... As my continuing pursuit of containers is ongoing, very limited numbers tonight as Ill shortly have to start serving gravy in paper bags... Call now!!
23.01.2022 Gus: You didnt have to come all this way, Pentridge penitentiary is a long way from Thornbury, Tamlyn. Now, you could have called the warden. Could have sent word through my lawyer. Tamlyn: You asking why I came? Thought it was news that should be delivered in person. I wanted you to know that it wasnt me that called the federales after you ordered 6 serves of our $50 tex mex banquet for yourself that Saturday the 25th of July. Gus: That the only reason? After all these... long years, Tamlyn MF... that's the only reason? Tamlyn: Well, I suppose if I allow myself to be sentimental, despite all that has occurred... there is one thing I wander back to. Gus: We dug parmas together. Tamlyn: That's right. We dug parmas together. Ballards wont leave a person behind.
22.01.2022 So as the heat wraps me in it’s sensual embrace, an embrace normally reserved for either lovers or the police as they request that I put my pants back on and stop making a scene, I could feel new ideas forming, forbidden ideas, summoned from a place deep within where all my young hopes had been drowned out by 20 years of gin and failure. Then like a bolt it struck me. The past is dead. The future is real. I need to let my passions fly and recreate the Duran Duran themed bar o...f my dreams. A beam of light a kilometre high, towering over the inner north, blue silver it will whisper as the winds spread my message of new romantic hope to those ready to throw off the shackles of austerity and grime and once again enjoy eyeliner and white jackets. So as I’ve fully decided to embrace my new romantic self were offering this menu up for a special Valentine’s Day weekend of sensuality. It’s Friday and Saturday only as bugger Sunday as that’s Tammy time and no one wants to be here that late. Book now. Book often. Book Romantically.
22.01.2022 Honey!!! Honey!!! Wake up the kids!!! Its finally happened!!! Curfew has been extended to 9pm!!! Sure it doesnt come into effect till next week which you know... doesnt really mean much but goddamn that little whiff of freedom is all I need to power though the darkness on the edge of town. Some people might call that a tokenistic liberty, a bone thrown to placate the mob but not me. Not me. I know that we can climb outta hell together, one hour at a time. I cant do it fo...r you, Im too old and I wheeze a lot more than I used to and I mean, Ive made every wrong choice a middle-aged man can make. Ive pissed away all my money, I chased off anyone whos ever loved me. And lately, I cant even stand the face I see in the mirror. But you learn things when you start losing stuff. You find out life, like cooking in a restaurant is a matter of minutes and hours. Because in either moment, life or cooking, the margin for error is so small. I mean, one hour too late or too early and the supermarket might be shut. One half second too slow, too fast and you have to stay at home for another day. The minutes we need are everywhere around us. Theyre in every break of the day, in every minute, in every second. In this restaurant we fight for that hour. On this team we tear ourselves and everyone else around us to pieces for that hour. We claw with our fingernails for that hour. Because we know when we add up all those hours thats gonna make the f%#&@! difference between WINNING and LOSING, between LIVING and DYING! Now I cant make you do it. Youve got to look at the person next to you, well not next to you unless youve opened a new social bubble but maybe you could zoom them? look into their eyes. Now I think you going to see a person who will go that hour with you. Your gonna see a person who will sacrifice themselves for this state, because they know when it comes down to it your gonna do the same for him. Thats a community, gentlemen, and either, we heal, now, as nation, or we will die as individuals. Thats Victoria guys, thats all it is. Now, what are you gonna do?
22.01.2022 Child labour laws are the hill I’m going to die on. Why at their age I was making nickels on the dime rooting out ragwort from swamp land and gaining immunity to Scarlett fever. I can tast tin papa, that’s just a gentle radiation leak from the commercial microwave I decided to supe up by removing the door. Just eat lots of salt and you should be fine, but I would start getting your affairs in order... open from 5pm today with many happy little sage slaves.
22.01.2022 No officer I dont feel that a 1100% power increase during a pandemic lockdown is probable cause that I may have shifted my business model to a less salubrious option. Nope Im just a humble local plant based restaurant trying to make do in these uncertain times am I right! Just growing all those veges I love so much with this indoor grow setup that really lets me mass produce watercress. Mmmmm love me some of that old puha I tell you even if Im still somewhat scared by that... primary school lesson on liver flukes. As Stephen malkmus would say heart-breaking, earth-quaking, Kiwis they are home baking! No Im not acting suspicious youre suspicious. Attica!!! Attica!!! Attica!!! As the sounds of struggle fade out So what will stop us from cooking this weekend? The inevitable takedown from the man or the fact that as of the moment I cant source any takeaway containers in Australia. Its almost like 3k hospo locations decided to pivot over night for a product primarily sourced from China might have stretched demand...thats not gonna be troublesome. Hmmm you can provide containers but you only use the courier company fastway? Why I might as well live in Atlantis for all the good thatll do me with their cant knock, cant wait, cant call business model. Fastway: where we guarantee that it would have been quicker to walk to Sydney to get your package and thats a guarantee!
21.01.2022 Many people think that my main motivation is spite and an overwhelming desire to stand outside any locality with smith in the title clinking glass bottles and offering to fight anyone that looks at me sideways. That is not the truth. As a desperately insecure man who has spent years masking a lack of confidence with bravado and strong opinions about local bands, I yearn for the approval of others. This is what its all for, the validation from you the consumer... thank you for fulfilling my desperate need to be loved, looks like today I tip that glass of gin out and replace it with cocoa! Last roast for a few weeks as I try my hand at twitch streaming.
21.01.2022 Whats that officer fascist? Im outside of the 5km oppression radius? Wheres my papers? No no see here Im on my way to work. Whats that? No no I definitly work at that fine place serving that valuetastic Italian feast that provides a heaving amount of food for only $50 that can also be made gluten free. See I have a copy of my permit of employment right here that I definitly did not print out at home for an extra low cost of $5 that the owner did not falsify a legal document for that enables me to bypass sensible restrictions. Im the 12th person youve stopped today that works at ballards and what kinda place needs to employ this many people during a locked down pandemic? Well the best restaurant in town!! Ballards - we aint no snitch
21.01.2022 The saddest story ever written. Martini olives for sale. Never eaten
21.01.2022 So the apple of my eye, my heir and future king of gnocchi is somewhat taken with that old minecraft game. I have been impressed with their creativity in that blocky world, desires only limited by imagination and enthusiasm, a better world than the one we inhabit no doubt. As I awoke from my slumber at the gentleman’s hour of 11am they burst into the room with a buoyant enthusiasm reserved only for those unsullied by the working life or who supported Nz cricket in the 90’s F...ather! Father! Come quick! do you want to see the world I have created? And as always, I replied in the affirmative. Show me your magnificene my lad! See I built a glass menagerie over an entire village and trapped every worker inside. It’s to keep them safe, from their own worst interests, I am their god and I know best for them. Why if they were able to leave they could cause themselves a mischief, maybe get attacked by a creeper! Or spend all their cash on pingers rather than investments! And what is that giant throne like creation floating in the sky above it all I asked worryingly already knowing the answer. Why that’s where I can watch the workers toil, ever vigilant for when they may require the carrot or the stick to help them better themselves. Then weeping I collapsed, content with the knowledge that when I am gone they are ready to run ballards as I always intended.
20.01.2022 Hey tambitious, so you reckon that this is a fool proof system that will alleviate congestion at the bar, met the acceptable standards for covid safety and enable both the customers and staff to have a stress free and we’ll managed experience? You betcha. There is a zero percent chance that someone will be so fixated on a piece of incorrect grammar that they simple respond yes when asked if they’d like still or sparkling water on arrival then sit there confused until I back a...way only to find them eating the paper in 5 minutes time before realising their shame, they try and scale the roller door but misjudging the physical state that years of online pedanticism has left them in they fail to stick the landing and are then just left mewling in the lane way for several minutes until an ambulance appears. No no... I have total faith in humanity. No instruction is too simple or communication so clear as to prevent these systems from working. Hey chef... half the bookings turned up at fans notes and are confused and angry? I’m just gonna put my phone on mute for awhile...
20.01.2022 Take away meals available from 5pm this evening. Several types of gnocchi, several vege sides, maybe even a dessert if I can get the cheesecake to set in time as someones loose approach to reopening meant they were lacking several ingredients yesterday and are a little behind schedule. There will probably even be a little skip in my step as I polish the bar that has been unused for weeks, turning on the lights as I hum a jaunty bit of Duran Duran and prepare to engage with t...he one thing thats always been the highlight of hospitality, the people. Feeling reinvigorated I take that first phone call, hey friend I answer,big ballards carbaganza here how can I help you? As a former podcaster and 3am-5am triple r dj I cant have any oligosaccharides what can you provide for me in 15 minutes? Well my dietarily challenged chum we can certainly whip up something that wont impact your compromised gizzards, how about some gnocchi with roast tomatoes, and one of the less evil brassicas? Not good enough, Ive never been more insulted in my life and will now dedicate the full power of my 3 person listenership to destroying you. Well that was odd I thought but no mind, that was just one odd note that wont disrupt the harmony of a man in a fortified mental state! Surely the night can only get better from here?!? Surely.... Only you can prevent bad customer experiences... call now!
20.01.2022 So clearly my plan to start promoting my discount deals on the fading empire of Parler has been successful because those are some mighty big like spikes. That always fills you with confidence to see random numbers like that. Will it be similar to that day urban list chucked my burger deal up as their special of the day without informing me? A day that had me run out of food by 7.30 because apparently randomly doubling your customer base suddenly has an unprecedented impact ...on how things work. To borrow from the parlance of the times, flatten those curves bud. But don’t worry, Ill just gaze around the kitchen and try to work out if plastic lids are edible as I ran out of food 2 hours ago and am now forced to improvise like a jazz musician or a white guy with dreads talking about fela kuti. $3 tacos. Tonight. Please make a booking early if you are coming down as I do tend to stop answering the phone once I’m six dockets deep as me screaming what into the phone as I remove cauliflower from the deep fryer by hand as I can’t find tongs apparently is rude and hostile so let’s all learn some lessons here...
20.01.2022 Sure the search for containers has been frustrating but offending people who havent enjoyed my apocalypse now fan fic was fun so this week hasnt been a complete loss. Food for Saturday. Its food. Served warm. Necessary for life. Yay
19.01.2022 Hahaha trivia writes itself! Book now for Thursday the 28th!
19.01.2022 As Ive started referring to myself in the third person as a hospo hero as if what I do was the most noblest of pursuits rather than a thinly veiled attempt to justify day drinking and rage texting, this might be the last ever Sunday roast we offer up. Yes Ill start fully engaging with the mythic and begin penning endless demands to civic services requesting at the very least a parade of some kind or a plaque in recognition of the fact that I am lucky enough to still have a means of income to benefit from. No longer just a simple man trying to make their way in the universe, I am now a god and you mortals will tremble in awe at my ability to turn an oven on and not burn potatoes... how many cups of coffee have I had today? Too many... far far too many.. Preorder Sunday roasts availble this evening from 5pm
18.01.2022 Our limited opening times is our way of saying you had better appreciate us or Im gonna throw a tantrum and go home. Open for gnocchi takeaways Friday night, banquet Saturday and Sunday roast. The remainder of my time is now taken up with freezing ever increasing containers of water so that I can make child friendly YouTube content where a small child uses power tools to destroy things. Its wholesome. Call now!
18.01.2022 As Ive spent the past 60 minutes trying to explain American imperialism to a 6 year old after they asked a casual question about the twin towers that then caused me to work backwards to the Potsdam conference and then spend the remainder of my time trying to explain domino theory, Edward saids theory of occidentalism and how an innate fear of socialism still influences foreign and domestic policy in the so called greatest country in the world there is a fairly high chance I... wont be able to get round to cooking any of this delicious food tonight as Im on a soapbox screaming at a bemused child about the problems of fighting a land war in Asia and how an occupying force will always be perceived as invaders and never liberators as we then digress into the impact of oppression in a post colonial world as spittle begins to collect at the corners of my mouth as I regress to the young firebrand I once was in the halls of academia, bedecked in aleather jacket with knuckles still raw from punching a cop at an anti war rally as I waved my placard of no blood for oil and I remember what it was like not be crushed beneath cynicism, what it was like to awaken with purpose as I tie a bandana round my head and take to the streets once more to proselytise the truth for people lacking cohesion before I once again get locked into a pointless arguement about house voting rules with socialist splinter groups. Will i be available to cook food tonight? Possibly, but were still trying to iron out sub clause 3:c about what kind of biscuits get served at each cell meeting. Ginger nuts? Thats for tankies... See more
17.01.2022 As I have decided to fully embrace an apathetic existence whereby life is futile and all struggle is pointless, this weekend will be our last run of food offerings for a few weeks as I have now decided to dedicate my life to my one true passion, watching Norman mailer get called a prick on talk show panels from the 70s. But surely youll run out of content quickly? You would be surprised but in case of emergency I have a backup plan where I switch to Oliver reed being called a pig before I try and live a life worthy of their finally epitaph - here lies Oliver reed, died during a drinking and arm wrestling contest with sailors. Book now
17.01.2022 Out in thornbury north the hordes are moving All looking for a new place to thrive You sit beside me so newly charming Cheap tacos glistening by your side And pulling tacos apart, I feel you smiling... What tasty morsels lie so deep in your mind To provide a feast for your eyes, so cheap you can even order the fries And I'll only watch you eat more and leave me further behind And the guac drips down into your house wine The front of your dress, all chilli splattered and lined And the off key kitchen singing throbs in time With your beating heart Buy buy cheap tacos BUY BUY cheap tacos Ocarina solo - I lure children to their doom like a pied piper of discount food. Cheap tacos this coming Tuesday. Book now. Last Tuesday was madness but I’ve fired the weak staff and have replaced them with battle hardened steel. Only the strong will survive. $40 bar tab for the first person to recognise what karaoke favourite I’m ripping off here.
17.01.2022 Get back here boy... whats in your mouth ... I know youve got something in there...no you spit that out... no Ive read the news, we dont need to take our cyanide capsules yet... Still trading in spite of my pessimism...
16.01.2022 Gazing at the pile of roast potatoes and soothing, warming gravy our hero started to feel the first rising surges of panic. Walking over to the kitchen thermometer they tapped agitatedly at it. Muttering to themselves that the damn thing must be broken again they returned to the large pot of cauliflower purée that was well known for removing the icy nip of winter from jaded bones. Roasts will still be popular when the burning flesh of man drips like candle wax they asked no one but themselves before pouring a frosty pint of sample pale. Yep... old t dazzle... you might have really fucked this up...
15.01.2022 As Ive decided to pause my normal day to day plans for standing on the roof top of ballards draped in the flag and screaming about freedom to return to the scene of my most bitter failure, the kitchen we will be serving gnocchi tonight from 5pm. Its carb loaded and essential comfort eating for all my fellow housebound malcontents. Pair it with liquor and go silently into that sweet goodnight. Get in quick because there is no way the kitchen will be open beyond 7pm...
14.01.2022 So, let’s face it, times are tough and moneys hard to find. I’m hanging on by my fingertips here as those merciless dentists shake me down for every last gleaming cent. I’ve met the actual mob and they were more transparent and honest in their extortions than the dental business. That’s why like every failing artist we’re gonna start going the convention route with a tiered layer of taco appreciation and access. The $3 taco - silver class... Gets you access to the event and all q&a seasions where you can listen in on people asking if the vegan taco is vegan and if they can make multiple substitutions to a discount meal. The $4 taco -gold class For this price you get to ask for one random ingredient substitution and request one photo opportunity from a staff member - choice of angry sweaty man, disgruntled red or young worker not realising that worrying about a work life balance is an insult to people that unironically refer to themselves as hospitality gurus. The $5 taco - platinum class Your tacos are cooked with named ingredients rather than fridge scrapings. Also includes opportunity to do a round of shots with the staff as they try and forget the pain of discount taco night. The $6 taco - all hell breaks loose class You get to actuallly work behind the scenes of ballard’s famous $3 taco night. See the camaraderie, the laughter and the lows as this rag tag group of off colour misfits come together to create some magic. You too can drink excessively on the job! Burn yourself at random as the only direction is forward and tell a customer to go fuck themselves as they request a refund after hiding in the smokers area for an hour and finding that their foods now cold. Also, at the end of the night the chef will write a roast of your character and performance that you can take home and frame. Tacos - they’re great! Book Now for Tuesday 24th.
13.01.2022 We did 400 tacos last Tuesday. Will the rain impact out plans for tomorrow or am I wrong to under estimate the human capacity to sullenly eat tacos in the rain? Book now for Tuesday night fun!
13.01.2022 Lets all appreciate the immense self restraint I showed not to turn those wickets into photoshopped upthrust penises. Have I matured? Have I changed? Is this adulting? Oh god... will the kids still think of me as their cool uncle? Quick... make a reference to skrillex to cement my status and offer to buy them some reefer... crisis averted. Sunday roasts are roasting from 5pm. Preorder because you can and should limit the amount of time I have to stand in front of an oven lamenting my life choices.
13.01.2022 Well Im just gonna pretend that I didnt turn on the news today. Nothing to see here, move along am I right? Just gonna put my head down and start cooking beans. They dont judge, theyre always there for you. No accusations and denial, no finger pointing and royal commissions, just simple wholesome fun. Tex mex banquet food for 2-4 people. $50.... Add a jug of margaritas for $45. Available Saturday 1st august. Put on el topo, spark up and give yourself the Saturday night you deserve
13.01.2022 And a special thanks to @topoftheheapballards for such a speshy evening. A full covid safe house (shakes fist at beuracracy) for our first backyard film evening. Plants, fairy lights, romance, it’s enough to melt this cold cynics heart but as I was chained to a deep fryer inside and was not able to partake of this sumptuous evening I remain as ever, bitter and resentful. Just standing in the rain, staring in at another joyful family opening presents on Xmas day, hunting knife strapped to my shin, the only thing that I got beens bothering me my whole life...
13.01.2022 Now anyone that has ever met me knows that I am a measure twice cut once kinda person that in no way has ever decided to just scream ah fark it recipes are internalised oppression and spiritual death and we will never truly own the means of production till we can add as much salt as we desire. So you know, practical design options are always at the forefront of my mind as I stride confidently amongst the shelves of bunnings knowing that a cheap and reliable option is availabl...e and that I wont be forced to contact some awning salesman that senses the arrival of a true sucker and charges me extra for shade coating. Oh Ill definitly need that as shade can noticibly shorten the lifespan of this unit designed by nasa you say? Extended warranty? why Id be a fool not to! Options...so many options. But we both know itll be a gaffer taped collection of umbrellas sourced from lost and found that Ive rendered as a collage of failure. Haha cause Ive got...high hopes. Ive got high Apple pie in the sky hopes...
13.01.2022 Why do you make your own burger buns? Can I level with you Brian? Because drugs aren’t free...
12.01.2022 So you know how we definitly said that there would be no indoor dining when we were allowed to reopen? A point that was hammered home with the suggested 5k grant for you to maybe use to turn your rooftop into a outdoor space (under budget and on time is easily achievable for 5k!) or purchase (checking price list of commercial suppliers for awnings) maybe 1/10 of a sun shield? And how Yarra council then chimes up that they were applying for a 500k government grant as well so ...that they could more effectivily police curbside diners, issue fines and maybe process more applications from businesses being forced to relocate their entire model outside which would not exceed the 5k limit at all or have you staring bloody murder at every business with a courtyard right? rather than you know maybe waiving fees and letting people access council spaces, rods, parking lots for free given these unprecedented times. You know that message? Well today Im here to tell you that in these press conferences you need to listen rather than hear and if you had have of applied that logic you would have realised that when I said no indoor dining what I really meant was maybe a limit of 10 people per space. And personally? I find it a bit insulting for people to imply that I just stand up here making wild statements with little consultation with grass root agencies... that would be nutty. Of course I am in frequent communication with all members of the physical force of policy implementation, why just this morning the police commissioner called me to ask if we were now seceding from the nation after I spent 40 rambling minutes declaring that there are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the metro and rural areas which we know means of course that the rules are not so much the rules themselves but the enforcement changing clear as day! So as Mornington peninsula is now a sovereign state you will now need a passport to visit that holiday home. Roger that. And just another pleasant day navigating the maze of beuracracy
12.01.2022 God its almost like Ive got so much information to convey that I dont have the time or room for an extended diatribe about all those things that get the blood pumping. Thurs & Friday: takeaway bistro menu Saturday: banquet Sunday: Sunday roasts.... And underneath it all are take home meals as I now embrace the new normal and stop resenting the jackbooted ambiguous approach of commander Andrews who teases me with the precision of a drone strike about what happens next. Did I tell you worm that I would provide an update on the 31st about our proposed relaxing of restrictions that are probably having an impact on a lot of business in Victoria that I am not helping by waffling like a punch drunk boxer? did I? Oh you thought that providing some scenarios would help people plan and maybe address the fear and uncertainty which is contributing to a massive reduction in discretionary spending and spike in unemployment? Well let me stomp on your balls and promise an update an the 6th, oh you like that dont you, you dirty thing? Maybe Ill host a press conference at 11am? Maybe Ill host it at 4pm Sunday? Let me see you shudder with anticipation, muscles flexing as I wipe my glasses on a north face jacket hanging up nearby? Oh am I wearing it on the weekend or am I going to put on the suit? What fear you have, I can smell it on you. Choke on these numbers, master pain will have you begging for the release of stage 5? Whats that? I dont know but neither do you. Or maybe youd prefer the threat of circular rings? What do they mean you ask? Quiet, I have no idea either but the trembling in your nethers suggests that you love it when I dont convey information beyond a daily update and uncertainty... mmmm clear communication from the upper echelons... nothing bad will ever happen from just standing in front of a camera and screaming about mandatory vaccination squads... that seems calming. Oh I see that I did get distracted... end transmission.
12.01.2022 As i shelve the tweezers, dusts and tiny vegetables to return to the purifying fires of discount bulk tacos and carb loading I can’t help but think about what could have been... soon delicate food... soon we will dance again in the pale moonlight. But eat gnocchi tonight you monsters... my increasingly toned fore arms are approaching a Springsteenian level from making 40kgs of dough a week. Welcome to the gun show I scream before blowing out my rectum and collapsing face first into the fryer.
12.01.2022 Wake up sheeple it’s me, truth and if you are reading this then you are the resistance. So put down that joe Rogan podcast and tune your ear balls to the message as I ask you in quiet tone of voice: Is a Ballards $3 taco a machine of pleasure? Is a ballards $3 taco a love machine? Turn it on.... Silence those church bells. Fuck the sirens. Lets have some quiet, quiet silence Yeah.. Yeah... I wanna hear you order your taco. I wanna see you hold it close. Hey. We wanna- we wanna make you feel good! I wanna make you laugh. Turn down that media shit. Oh yeah. Yeah that's better. Hey - I want us to look each other in the eye. Doing a high-five. When I whisper. When I whisper it sorta stings in your ear. I wanna tremble your earballs. Open your trembling earballs. Listen. Listen to the truth! The now is taco broth only. There’s no fluoride in taco broth. And you know what fluoride does brother, it took down Pete Evan’s. It was the fluoride that did it. Turn it up Buy a taco. Drink the poison as I am the remedy. Refuse QR code’s because do you want to have gay frogs? Cause that’s how you get gay frogs. Are we fully booked out for tonight? The black helicopters hovering overhead suggest they fear how powerful I am becoming. The fact that the phone line is dead means that the forces against me are converging so it’s clearly the government preventing you from booking. Avenge me. Sovereign citizen Tamoflage reporting in for the last time...
12.01.2022 TLDR: preorder now for delicious food to cook at home. Menu posted yesterday. Did you see todays case numbers? Boy howdy Im glad we waited to see what impact those increased restrictions would have. Made all the difference in the world. Apparently the solution to all our problems is a thin piece of fabric stretched taught across our mouth hole that we have decided to enforce wearing of with fines thatll in no way disproportionately affect certain strands of our society. S...ure I wonder why we didnt implement this weeks ago as all the science in the world suggests that it is effective but then we would have been exposed for even longer to the rigid tumesence of Andrew Bolts proud and uplifted errection silhouetted against the setting sun of empire as they spout on about rights and liberty. Hahaha - uncertainty sure is great for people trying to budget and make plans about what happens next. Really gets the juices of commerce pulsing through capitalisms turgid cock dont it? So in between the numerous penile flavoured metaphors I have for some, no doubt isolation induced reason become oddly obsessed with I have a deal for you all in the form of survivalist food for doomsday hoarding in the form of our take home foods. Order now. Dont resort to Alex Jones themed cannibalism...
11.01.2022 Why is it that with certain things its accepted that theyll be presented in a low effort manner. Like no one bats an eye if your prawns are mostly shell and eyeballs but if I serve a bean with its top and tail entact then Im some kind of lazy monster? Who in the bean industry promoted this idea?? God knows the number of staff I watched struggle to process beans in a timely and speedy manner am I right Irish steel!?!? Am I right?!? How high am I?? Im six foot two why do you ask?
11.01.2022 As my brain has now retreated to a screen saver mode where Australian cricket defeats just play on an endless loop I dont have much to add to this, this long dark tea time of the soul where all existence is a struggle and the sense of pointlessness wraps me like a day dream or a fever. Self improvement is masturbation I mutter as I stare at the sole remaining untapped keg of beer with growing panic. Yep. For the weekend. Its food.
11.01.2022 Tacos... shit, it’s $3 taco night . Every time I wake up I think I’m still gonna have to go back into that kitchen. When I was on my first holiday in 3 years it was worse. [grabs at flying insect]... I'd wake up and there'd be nothing. I hardly said a word to my family, as I didn’t understand what an enderman was. When I was on holiday, I wanted to be in the kitchen; when I was there, all I could think of was getting anywhere, getting away. I'm upstairs now, still on the toilet.. waiting to cook $3 tacos.. getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute a customer doesn’t get a taco, they get stronger. Each time I looked around, the walls they moved in a little tighter. Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted to cook, and for my sins I was soon going to have to... SAMPLE MENU ONLY
10.01.2022 You should come down tonight confidant in the knowledge that the greatest poster I ever made now adorns the toilet. Sure, I’ve repurposed it to promote our upcoming music and movie trivia on thurs the 28th January but something this magnificent should always be rebooted and experienced by fresh eyes.
10.01.2022 Look at that? Another wave of social media unfollows for captain bitters master of the good ship ballards. Whats that? My gently lobbed truth grenades too real for the burbs? My powerfully erotic Dan Andrews fanfic too sensual, too engorging? The alarming realisation that I now echo herald sun talking points as I have an animal farm like moment of clarity in which Ive become everything I once stood against? The deep seated sadness that the current highlight of my day was th...e arrival of a new vacuum cleaner that arrived in only two days after online purchase (godfreys - great service, speedy delivery 5 stars) Well I didnt get into this business called cheffery to make friends or money, nope it was always about the opportunity to run a private fiefdom far from the laws of the land and all common sense and a chance to scream at strangers. Sometimes you just look around, at the empty gin bottles, the unpaid invoices and yellowing final notices and think yep...I did it perfectly. Buy food.
10.01.2022 Now personally I believe that you should never drink anything non alcoholic as it dilutes your essence and that’s how socialism gets in but who am i to judge those who want to sully themselves with things that fish have fucked in. I am not an erect, upthrust and unbending stalk of insecurity, I bend when the winds of purity blow and am I ready to start serving
09.01.2022 As a brief respite from cooking and caressing beans for our tex mex banquet tomorrow, lets not forget to take this oppurtunity to spruik our take home meals. Theyre takehomeable!!! Call now for a menu!
09.01.2022 As morale and growing apathy now has me measuring success by achieving a solitary goal each day (brushed teeth? Rest now gentle warrior your race is run) well probably join the large number of other business, that judging by the occasional outside walk also seem to feel that trading doesnt really seem worthwhile in the mid despair point of what is existence. But how will I fill my days you ask? Dont worry about this old warhorse, you dont spend several decades working 7da...y weeks in hospitality without developing some secondary hobbies. Maybe Ill watch a snail crawl up a straight razor? Lie in bed unable to sleep as the varicose veins on my legs throb like Popeyes forearms in time with my beating heart. Contact all those friends and family I have become estranged from over the years due to an inability to meet the basic requirements for shared life (sorry I missed your wedding/funeral/birth but I couldnt get the time off work as someone wanted me to work an additional 30 hours this week unpaid and tiny carrots dont massage themselves) but I assume youre up for a surprise 3am chat as I pour myself a stiff one. Shave off my eyebrows? Work on letting Tamlyn be Tamlyn? I am a giant ear surrounded by possibility and suggestion... See more
08.01.2022 Proving that there is nothing that the tote has that I can’t appropriate whether it is ash trays, pint glasses, trench foot or a film night, we are proud to announce that this Thursday evening starts our monthly outdoor film night in conjunction with @topoftheheapballards. There will be courtyard meal deals. There will be fun. There will be hosting things. There will be bookings recommended. First film up is Donna deitch’s desert hearts
07.01.2022 So mr midnight tambler, I heard you alienated another long-standing regular by refusing to back down on your bewildering belief that watching not another teen movie is not only an acceptable way to spend an evening but the film is in fact an unacknowledged masterpiece that in time will be held in the same regard as citizen Kane and the works of Kubrick? Ergh.... well... I might have had a few drinks in amidst what I thought was some spirited banter amongst friends? Why som...eone else claimed that jay and silent bob 2 was a work of genius and if someone can make those kind of claims in public then surely gentle support for a parody film from many years ago isn’t that bad? Is it??? Anyway go read the bell jar you poser... So many dark thoughts this strange night in thornbury... so many demons... $18 Roasts from 5pm
07.01.2022 Madness reigns. The first challenge your soul must endure is working out the opening hours. You wait each day for a social media update which comes as frequently as a daydream or a fever, this inaction creating a perfect circular vortex of anger and confusion as Ballards exists outside of time and the normal laws of man. Once you attain access to a living person to place your order through either a phone call or electronic message, a process that brings new rage to an actio...n normally as simple as breathing, you discover that this is a false achievement; insults and demands stop and start with no apparent thought or plan--- suggestions once begun are quickly abandoned, the chef seemingly immune to common sense or morals. At last you are able to convey your order, hoping that it is written down but this confidence comes with knowing that the price is having to enter the store to collect it. Inside, human beings scramble like beetles whose rock has been upended. Though the business is well spaced and attractive, it is impossible to avoid physical contact with your fellow shoppers, as it is perpetually cloaked in darkness, the only light provided by a solitary lamp. It is a grotesque parody of the bazaar at Marrakech, as if dumb animals had been granted only the amount of sentience required to mock humanity. The menu items are not labeled. You must ask for every item, your ignorance another insult to the proprietor which causes a numbness that borders on profound despair. Your conscious mind registers merely annoyance, impatience. But on a cellular level, your body cries out in weariness. The fatigue you feel is a warning: millions of years of evolution trying to save you from becoming mired in the tar, from sinking into the warm blackness and ultimately being reclaimed by the earth itself. Be sure to get the gnocchi though, it is worth the journey into the mouth of hell. 5 stars.
05.01.2022 The last degustation we did was the degothstation on fri 13th of February 2020, which in hindsight may have been the catalyst for when we summoned those ancient evils from the untapped depths. Sure as the tribal rhythms of that white guy drum circles took hold, we didn’t care about the future. Our passions were inflamed and our limbs entwined but that’s what goth themed food will do. But who amongst us would have guessed that we would be blamed for the sundering of the world.... Was it worth it? Damn straight. So let’s double down in our new year new you mandate and bring back a multi course tasting flight of fantasy and whim. Will it be impeccably soundtracked, yes. Will it be heavily derivative and based mainly on dishes I designed out of spite, yes. Will it be available at the end of January, yes. Am I talking like Robert Evan’s in your heard? You bet your ass I am... See more
04.01.2022 What awaits us at the 2pm press conferance? Candy? Good news? The endless will they wont they saga of dan Andrews teasing my nethers with his bird leaf of indecision as I finally succumb to rage and scream for fucks sake just pull the goddamn plug and get it over with so people can stop panic buying and try and make plans for what happens next you equivocating pile of dithering waffle. Just commit to it...rip the band aid off, cauterise the wound and give some direction as t...o what happens next rather than further coquettish banter. Why mr martinovich-Faulkner I do believe that my dance card may be full over the weekend as our gentle mandates are not having the desired impact, but
03.01.2022 New cocktail glasses mean that you can feel less shame when consuming your espresso martini or odd personal request. Can I have a dirty martini but would you mind holding the gin and the vermouth? That’s... thats just a glass of Italian sweat... are you sure? Did I stutter... well the customer is always right I guess and I will rim the glass with salt.... Sick of getting judged by snobby mixologists because you don’t have a favourite vermouth, or a particular preference for which wild yeast infests your pet nats or
03.01.2022 MONICA *V.O.*: Tammy the slav was cutting every link between himself and the valentines weekend degustations, but it had nothing to do with me. I just turned up on time, matched wines and that was that. From then on I kept my mouth shut. I knew Tammy. He had the cash. It was his. I know he kicked some money upstairs to the landlords, but that was it. It made him sick to have to turn money over to the guys who worked for him. He'd rather whack them. Anyway, what did I care? I ...wasn't asking for anything and besides, Tammy was making nice money with me through my playthings for ferrets connections. So I thought I would be all right. That many 8 course plant based degustaions reasonably priced at $80 per should have been our ultimate score. The meal of a lifetime. Six million in cash. More than enough to go around. But you see people got greedy. See Perry who worked in the kitchen was always crazy. Instead of getting rid of the rubbish like he was supposed to, he went to the thornbury local, meet an old weird musician and dragged them back to his and by the time he woke up, the cops had found the bins out on the street blocking traffic. It was all over the television. They even said they came up with prints off one of those premade ready to eat meals that they were trying to pass off as home cooked. It was just a matter of time before they got to him. But still, for months after the robbery, they were finding bodies all over. When they found Ant in the cool room, he was frozen so stiff it took them two days to thaw him out for the autopsy. But that’s the life. High risk and high rewards. It was worth it. To be a somebody in a world of nobodies... to be in hospo.
03.01.2022 Well personally I feel I look quite rakish in mask, like a dyspeptic zorro or a depressed raccoon. One didnt spend their 90s youth not prepping for this day. As someone who still uses cyber as an adjective, I m ready to be encased in pvc, antique ww2 gas mask at the ready as I bring out the twin guns of neon dreadlocks and nitzer ebb. Im ready to dance...Im ready to party... but first Ill need to stockpile so affordable banquet food. Call now for this weekends feast. La...st week we had twice as many people try and book on the day as had preordered by Friday. That was fun. One organised person even tried to preorder 3 hours after the kitchen had shut last Saturday. Im calling to preorder tonights $50 Texmex feast thats only available today. But its 9pm? Yes can I preorder it for collection in 20 minutes? Then we share a laugh. Book now. Theres optional liquor attached.
03.01.2022 As I settle into an apathetic malaise where my attempt at healthy living has left me with shattered knees from an attempt at restarting that running career, a weak bladder from drinking excessive milky earl gray and the ability to see through time from trying to switch from alcohol to caffeine, I have conceded that I am one of gods own mutants built to thrive on hardship, bitterness and liquor in order to be happy, prove worth and succeed. So help me be the best me and order... food. Whether its a tex mex banquet on Saturday or some take home meals, youare the anvil and I am steel, so beat me with your bizarre order requests till I am tempered and my impuritys relegated to the night. Have I started rotting my brain again with excessive fantasy novel consumption? Yes... yes I have... Call now
02.01.2022 This bad boy goes all the way down to ten degrees. Im currently having to sit here burning copies of my manifesto to stay warm. I suppose I could turn up the heat a smidge but why, did we lose a goddamn war or something?? It’s my god given right to wastefully consume and what are you gonna do about it? Complain? Have you seen our reviews??? That’s what I thought. Open now...
02.01.2022 Sept 12th. My life has taken another turn again. The days can go on with regularity over and over, one day indistinguishable from the next. A long continuous chain. Then suddenly, there is a change. Today a dark rain will come and wipe all the scum off the streets and into ballards for a well priced, affordable and tasty meal deal pack. But therell be no escape for me. Why? Because I'm God's lonely man...
02.01.2022 Hahahaha smooth move there champ... actually date is the 19th. Dont be confused...
01.01.2022 The domesticated or captive vegan can become without adequate challenges, bored,listless and lethargic and these are some of the reasons why many inner suburbs have had difficulty in successful mating strategies and population maintenance. That’s why we here at ballards believe that by providing challenges, each person is left with a sense of accomplishment on sourcing adequate nutrition. We utilise a three pronged approach to achieve this. Firstly darkness - by making the pl...ace look constantly closed, individuals feel a genuine sense of success on both being able to locate the door and manifesting sufficient courage to enter what some reviews have referred to as a poorly lit dingy, grungy locale Secondly, difficulty. By employing only non verbal surly staff, even securing a menu can provide ample challenge, this lets the dinner declare their alpha status in a non lethal setting. And finally, the hunt. Upon ordering your food you still have to find it and our staff will wander aimlessly throughout the venue as you’ve moved table 4 times in spite of being asked to stay in the one spot. This tactic in particularly helps recreate the sense of stalking that would most likely be encountered in the wild, and as both serial killers and fans of cat videos will attest, the hunt is the true thrill. By successfully utilising these three steps we have seen a significant spike in both virility and over all happiness levels amongst our diners and we will be hopefully introducing our pilot programmes into other locales on a consultancy basis. Only you can save the endangered inner north vegan!
01.01.2022 Look!! Its almost like Im desperately trying to find alternatives to slaving in the parma/gnocchi mills. Well that couldnt be true, happiness as we all know is work and endless toil. Please let me cook something else...please let me have my dignity....
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