Counselling Relationships in Gold Coast, Queensland | Mental health service

Counselling Relationships

Locality: Gold Coast, Queensland

Phone: +61 418 956 506

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25.01.2022 Feeling socially isolated? The only difference between illness and wellness is the words I and we. Just to let you know that at Counselling Relationships we are still connecting with clients through online counselling instead of face to face.

25.01.2022 We can get defensive in our personal relationships as well as critical and shut down. When this becomes a repeated negative cycle of interaction within marriages or couple relationships our brain goes into "survival mode" and is programmed to be on the look out for "more trouble". Which basically means we become stressed, anxious or avoidant towards the people we used to turn to for love and support. This survival mode will trump positive feelings if not understood and worked... through . So when you feel shut down or wanting to run away from the relationship or anxious and desperate to get your partners attention you are probably in a nervous system survival response. This can be difficult to understand or get out of when both of you are operating from survival overdrive. Counselling is all about enabling you to have the insight and skills to understand and de-escalate these negative cycles of interaction. You are then able to feel an increase in connection. For more information and insights about marriage, relationships and personal growth check out http://www.counsellingrelationships.com.au

25.01.2022 HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Why do significant and important relationships developed chronic problems or fall apart? Scientific study of the brain and the role that significant love relationships play in shaping it has given a new basis for understanding why people have great difficulty communicating with the most important individuals in their lives. People, who have experienced confusing, frightening, or broken emotional communications during the brains development in infan...cy, often grow into adults who have difficulty understanding their own emotions and the feelings of others. When an infant’s attachment bond (love connection with caregiver) fails to provide the child with sufficient structure, understanding and safety, the brain develops patterns of insecurity. Insecurity can limit our ability to build or maintain successful relationships. When we are able to recognise insecure expectations, attitudes, assumptions and behaviour as resulting from insecure attachment patterns (love connection). We can then deal with these insecure patterns that influence our adult relationships. THE BRAIN IS OPEN TO CHANGE New insights into brain development enable us to understand what it takes to help build and nurture successful love relationships. Relationships in which people are tuned into each other’s emotions are called attuned relationships. Communication skills that produce an attuned attachment and understanding of each other’s thoughts and feelings can enable mutual connection, safety and love. In my experience as a relationship counsellor I have noticed one of the greatest challenges for couples in conflict is to actively listen to each other. Really listen to what your partner is sharing with you. The second biggest challenge is to be able to share our true feelings without condemning or blaming our partner. Tricky stuff! To learn further skills in communication, creating attachment and safe connection in love relationships you can contact me on www.counsellingrelationships.com.au See more

24.01.2022 Better communication skills is a request I get everyday. Firstly, put some time aside to talk about what is really important to you. We need to see each other as well a hear each other and this cannot be done by text. Discuss how you feel and what you need without blaming the other and really listen too. If you are feeling really uptight, take a break, it takes about 20 mins to calm down then come back to the conversation. After conflict discuss what you can do to create better outcomes for each other next time.

23.01.2022 A psychology teacher once told me that the root meaning of enthusiasm was to live in God - which is love. What does this mean for those that may not believe in God or religion? We are all unique in our beliefs of love and God. However most of us aspire to live the best possible life we can, to be happy, inspired, abundant, joyful, free, peaceful, healthy, in love and even more. Of course, human experience from birth is educated with the consciousness, culture and beliefs of ...the family and environment of its generation. I, like you, become conscious at times of fears, resistances, and blocks as these generally do come up in life. These darker aspects of ourselves are often very threatening and confronting if not expressed and addressed. Dealing with our personal darkness can also be liberating as this process can enable us to unravel what is true for our life, and that which brings greater peace, love, happiness and fulfillment for ourselves and others. A therapeutic counselling relationship, as well as close friends and family can support each of us to explore and understand difficult situations feelings and beliefs. I do not claim to know the mysteries of life and the universe but I do want to support and encourage people to live the best life their heart desires. For more info on counselling sessions www.counsellingrelationships.com See more

20.01.2022 It is in the process of meeting and solving problems that life has meaning. Problems are the cutting edge that distinguishes between success and failure. Problems call for our courage and wisdom. It is through the pain of confronting and resolving problems that we learn. Indeed they create our courage and wisdom. Thereby enabling us to transcend them and grow emotionally, mentally and spiritually. (Inspired by author Susan Mitchell)

19.01.2022 Four relationship tips I shared this week with my clients 1/ We can say Words That Hurt when we are feeling emotionally escalated so we then need to apply Words That Heal preferable within 24 hours. 2/ Weekly Check In- how are you going?? Remember Practice PART Presence - Attunement - Resonance (the feeling of being felt by the other) and this = Building Trust (Danial Siegel) 3/ Quality Time- Just Hanging Out Doing and Being Together... 4/ Future Focused Shared Goals/Dreams, aligned values and meaning (Gottman). See more

18.01.2022 Men speaking out against violence towards women.

17.01.2022 Consider for a moment that we are relational beings and now consider that on average most people will have about 9% quality time with their loved ones in a day. Interactions with our loved ones can feel unsatisfactory as we are often distracted, multitasking or just not attuned to our partners needs perhaps not even our own. Personal differences are normal and we are going to get into disagreements and feel misunderstood yet what is imperative is how we repair. In repair we learn how to attune to and understand each others needs and feelings and as a result feel even more attuned, connected and responsive to each other. Repair is part of the skillset we learn in counselling.

17.01.2022 Take Time To Relate Happy New Year- To start your relationships off in a positive direction in the new year, here are 3 seemingly simple questions that you may want to ask yourself: How well do I love? How well do I communicate? How well do I make repair attempts after an argument?... The reason I ask these questions is because most people discuss these topics when they come to relationship counselling. This is where we often get stuck, feel blocked, misunderstood or hurt. The tricky thing is that the answers will be somewhat similar yet unique for each individual. It may be useful to share your answers with a loved one and to perhaps hear their answers too. You may learn something new about yourself or the other person you are relating to. I have found that it is important to take the time to sit down with your loved ones and talk about the things that are really close to your heart and that matter to you. Remember timing is important so pick a time where you both have the space to relate to each other. For more information and insights about marriage, relationships and personal growth check out http://www.counsellingrelationships.com.au See more

17.01.2022 RELATIONSHIPS- Relationships like most living things will not survive without nourishment, care and commitment. Another word to explain this kind of reciprocal relationship is attachment. Attachments lie at the heart of intimate relationships therefore unhealthy attachment patterns can inflame insecurity and dysfunction. Learnt attachment from previous relationships will trigger certain scripts of what to expect from intimacy and attachment. Negative relationship scripts can... be based on boundaries that are too rigid or too blurred. Couples under stress destabilise their connection by becoming either the emotional pursuer of intimacy or overly withdrawn as the emotional avoider. Communication is likely to become anxiety ridden or shut down entirely. To begin rebuilding healthy attachment I recommend five stages of communication (Devito, 2004): 1. Receiving: hearing the other, avoid interrupting 2. Understanding: learning the meaning of what the other has said, paraphrase 3. Remembering: recalling and retaining 4. Evaluating: awareness of personal judgments and criticism 5. Responding: answering and giving feedback Communication and self-disclosure in therapy can provide a safe base to allow a person to feel heard, to realise someone is concerned about them and has them in mind. This is crucial for effective counseling therapy with individuals and coupleswww.counsellingrelationships.com.au See more

16.01.2022 At the end of each day I often ask myself "how well did I love". Its kinda like my mission statement for life. Personal mission statements are informed by our core values and meaning in life. Life blossoms even more when we share our core values and meaning with those that are close to us and they with us. So what is your personal mission statement?

16.01.2022 Intimacy - IN 2 ME SEE To open our-selves to another person is a part of our human growth. It is certain that a relationship will only be as good as its communication. In healthy communication, we see into another’s reality and he/she can see into our reality. This is referred to as intimacy IN 2 ME SEE. Unless we are opened by this kind of personal encounter, there will be no real meaning in our personal relationships. Science recognises that love is one of the most compe...lling survival mechanisms of the human race. The desire to emotionally attach is wired into our genes. We need healthy emotional attachment with our loved ones to be physically and mentally healthy. Those who are loved and understood also grow and flourish as individuals. Those who feel isolated, judged or estranged from those close to them often have a feeling of living in solitary confinement. A thousand fears or experiences from the past can keep us feeling alone and isolated. As people, we want to be loved and understood. Ego defences are built up in our psyche to protect us from unhealthy and hurtful attachments with those close to us. Ego defences are often cultivated to protect us from others as well as camouflage what we consider to be defects in ourselves. When we are able to safely communicate what we feel, value, esteem, hate, fear, desire, hope for, believe in and are committed to then we can be intimate and grow in relationships. In order to do this we also need the other to become a safe witness. To create safety for another we must be able to give space to their reality, to witness without judgement. Where true and safe communication exists, the focus is not so much with the ‘problems’ and ‘solutions’ as with the communication itself. When we encourage another to share of themselves we are also empowering ourselves to do the same. When we feel safely connected to others we understand ourselves better and like ourselves more. In love relationships we all live with the feelings of connection and disconnection at times. It is when we can understand these cycles of connection and disconnection our relationships have a chance to be everything we wish it to be.

16.01.2022 Generally we feel best when we are connected with each other. How can you improve the quality of connection within your relationships? Firstly connect with what is meaningful and important to you. You are better off sharing about yourself and how you are feeling rather than using blame or criticism towards the other person. As they will feel attacked and possibly defensive which leads to disconnection. An important next step is be willing to really hear and be open to the oth...er persons response. Whats going on for them? If two people genuinely practice this, the outcome is far more likely to improve the quality of their relating. Remember take some time to honestly share. If you do this practice on the way out the door, in a text or in the heat of an argument it won’t work. Give yourself time, just half an hour is enough. Think about how much time you spend in the day on the phone, TV, computer screen etc. You and the people you love are worth the time to connect. More Info about my counselling service PH 0418956506 www.counsellingreltionships.com See more

15.01.2022 CONNECTION IS THE FABRIC OF LIFE. LIFE IS RELATIONSHIP.

14.01.2022 Happy New Year Growth and expansion always involve change. The belief that one has the power to effect change by one’s actions is the ability to be self-efficient. Self-efficiency equates to productive creative behavior and self-empowerment. Sharing of information and power within interpersonal relationships is rare in our traditional hierarchical structures and can cause conflict. In order to avoid unnecessary stress and conflict it is important to allow for differences in p...ersonal perspectives. Conflict in the face of change is natural and even necessary. Choices and decisions are likely to involve disagreements over differing opinions and beliefs. The challenge is to enable constructive conflict without escalation into interpersonal conflict. Learning to adapt and be flexible to each others strengths and weaknesses facilitates conflict management instead of escalating the conflict. This learning involves trust in each others ability to adapt and change. Psychological and emotional intelligence enable people to manage a variety of differing values, feelings, beliefs and needs. These qualities foster a sense of belonging, which is vital to ensure ongoing commitment and loyalty to one another and also serves a basic human need. For more information on Psychological and emotional intelligence and conflict resolution please contact me through my website www.counsellingrelationships.com.au See more

14.01.2022 As a professional counsellor I have come across a staggering number of people who have experienced domestic violence. Of the people I have seen so far in my practice men have perpetrated ninety eight percent of the physical violence. Three cases come to mind; a girl who witnessed her father murder her mother. A man ordered to attend relationship counselling after a 13-year sentence in prison for murdering his wife with a shotgun. Another man threatened to murder his wife an...d leave her in a pool of blood in front of their small children. These are mothers, daughters, sisters, wives and friends. These women are you, me and people we know. These women have parents, brothers, husbands and friends who care and grieve for them. We all need to be educated on what IS domestic violence. Please join us on the 25th of November to support women. To find out more about activities in your local area check out the events section on Australian and New Zealand White Ribbon websites. Thank you

14.01.2022 WHITE RIBBON DAY The White Ribbon Campaign is the largest global male-led movement to stop men’s violence against women. PLEASE READ AND INFORM YOURSELF http://www.whiteribbon.org.au/resources/facts Here is a link that has evidence based research and statistics on the subject of domestic violence. Through education, personal experience and an open mind we can truly understand domestic violence. Education plays a key role in challenging personal, social and cultural norms. The... following information are excerpts I have taken from the White Ribbon’s website. - National surveys have found that up to one-half of Australian women will experience physical or sexual violence by a man at some point in their lives. - If men are the beneficiaries of power and privilege in the family, and if this is a constant feature of their experience of fatherhood (and indeed, manhood), then they can come to believe that they are ‘entitled’ to more power than women. Men’s sense of entitlement is directly related to abusive and controlling behaviors. And if men have an expectation and belief that they will be dominant over women a sense of entitlement then they are likely to choose behaviors that are violent or abusive in order to obtain and maintain dominance, power and control. - The reality that men are often motivated to maintain gender inequalities represents a major challenge for the prevention of men’s violence against women. - Gender inequalities are the key foundation for men’s violence against women, and building gender equality makes a vital contribution to ending men’s violence against women. Men can strive for gender equality in their identities, interactions, and relations. - Develop new forms of identity or masculinity, which do not depend on dominance or entitlement over others. - Strive to ensure that relations with women in the kitchen, bedroom, and the office, on the shop floor and on the street are egalitarian and just. - Contributing to the prevention of men’s violence against women requires more than simply being a non-violent man. It requires an understanding of the factors, which underlie and contribute to violence against women and how these factors are deeply engrained in our culture, to the degree to which they are sometimes not immediately obvious. It requires awareness of how these factors influence our beliefs, attitudes and behaviors about what it is to be a man and how to relate to others. It requires the courage to change, to adopt new beliefs and new attitudes, and it requires the knowledge and skills to put new actions and behaviors in place. See more

13.01.2022 SPRING IS A NEW BEGINNINGit is a season of young life and nesting birds It is also the beginning of my professional Facebook page. I offer face to face counselling or via Skype. I have found Skype to be a very effective medium for counselling especially when I have clients overseas or who want to remain in the comfort of their own home. So, welcome. REPAIR One of my mentors is John Gottman, a Professor in Psychology. Through research, analysis and direct scientific observa...tions, Gottman is well known for his work regarding relationship happiness and stability. One of his findings suggest that couples who are happy in relationship do not experience any less conflict yet they do know how to successfully repair their conflicts. Gottman refers to a ‘love map’ where each person is intimately connected to his or her partners ‘world’ e.g. current events, wants, needs, thoughts and feelings. Therefore couples that are attuned to each others ‘love map’ are better equipped to navigate stressful times. I have found it beneficial to explore what repair looks like for couples. Each of us has unique ways of feeling loved, understood and accepted. If we don’t have tools and understanding regarding how to repair conflict then this can oftentimes override the love. Understanding each others love languages are one of a number of essential elements I believe works well in repair. I will refer more to love languages in a different post. Thank you for taking the time to read my page Dana ;-)

11.01.2022 Love includes all that is unloved thus love is ALL that IS and heals all that is seperate from love. Love Rules.......and is our gift to each other.

09.01.2022 This term referred to in Dr Stan Tatkin’s relationship work relates to memory, perception and communication. Misunderstandings in communication, lead to escalation in arguments. However did you know that your working memory and perception are actually influenced by your mood and current state of mind including lack of sleep or financial stress etc? This stress response is lightening fast and signals the brain to be on guard. In other words our threat response is up and ready ...to respond to perceived threat or a bias to what is negative. That discussion you are having with your loved one can become a disastrous reality, really quickly! Because we all have different perspectives based on different past experiences. Interestingly Stan liken’s the effects of the Troublesome Triad with those theme park fun house mirrors (you know those ones where your refection becomes all weird and contorted) where we can not see each other or ourselves clearly. No matter what misunderstandings or distortions regarding what IS reality you are experiencing between you, I want you to know we are all vulnerable to this. Nothing takes away the raw need for what I refer to as In 2 Me C. Science now confirms that this IS a primal need. This primal need to be seen, known, heard and felt by our close others is where we meet in love and we really need exceptional communication skills to achieve this. Understanding how your brain works in communication can really help you navigate your way through complex Theme Park distorted mirrors especially the Troublesome Triad See more

03.01.2022 WE ARE NEVER SO VULNERABLE AS WHEN WE LOVE " Sigmund Freud Love is not the icing on the cake of life it is a basic primary need like oxygen or water. It is as basic to life, health and happiness as are the drives for food, shelter or sex. Secure connection to a loved one is empowering! When we feel safely connected to others we understand ourselves better and like ourselves more. It is important to note Love is often out of line with our culture’s established social and p...sychological ideas of adulthood - that maturity means being independent and self-sufficient often at the expense of a loving relationship; being open, attuned and responsive to your partner. A secure attachment and a sense of being supported and valued, really matters in love relationships. Once we understand this, we can more easily get to the heart of relationship problems. 1&1= 2 Relationship counselling seeks to understand the patterns and dynamics of the (&). For further information check out http://www.counsellingrelationships.com.au/index.html

03.01.2022 To love and be loved is the true joy of every human heart. There is no higher happiness than this. Alas, in any human drama there are also wounds and disappointments, mistakes and betrayals, pain, heartache and broken dreams. Even so love comes to our rescue. Love offers us a solution which is a process called forgiveness. Forgiveness is an angel that comes to us when we sleep and wakes up from the hypnosis. It is the ground of love that supports you when you are falling, breaking apart and coming undone. Forgiveness undoes the blocks to love awareness. It shows you that the universe of love doesn't ever stop even when all you can see is pain. Love always loves you, even when you can't or won't love yourself. [Robert Holden, Loveability]

03.01.2022 Here are two exercises I share with couples. Love - this exercise requires you to say out loud to your partner three times a day something about your partner you love or feel grateful for, even if you have to draw on your memory banks, just do it. This practice opens the neural pathways in your brain to receive and give more love and counteracts the negativity bias we can so easily slip into when our relationship is challenging us. Safe Space - this exercise is about creating... a safe space between you both. A safe space in relationship has to do with feeling physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritual safe, however it's more than that, it has to do with feeling like you can come home to yourself with your partner. I understand you may not feel this at times. Therefore it may be useful to ask yourself and your partner, What is a safe space for you??? See more

03.01.2022 A very special relationship is the one we have with ourselves. So intimate,so unique and just for you. To love without measure.

01.01.2022 When vulnerable do you feel comfortable asking somebody to hold you and support you with his or her love? Many of you may say yes. Yet I am often surprised at how many people don’t feel this way. In my early adult years I would of said no. Recently I did another course in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy and thought I would share some of the key messages that stood out for me. Historically within the field of relationship counselling emotion was often perceived as trouble...some and too complex to be worked with in therapy. However empirical research within the last 20 years recognises emotion as too important to ignore. Primarily people are prone to share reactive emotions with each other rather than reveal primary core emotions and needs. This is because predominately we often don’t feel safe enough to unpeel and expose the more vulnerable aspects of our nature. The key word here is safe enough. Johnson (2011) refers to a safe base as The creation of a secure, emotional bond, share attachment needs and fears, and offer mutual comfort and support. In an emotionally focused counseling session you can expect the therapist to facilitate a safe and egalitarian environment. The therapist will track and explore with the couple how reactive emotions can perpetuate their particular negative cycle. Whilst validating emotional reactions the therapist assists the couple to explore deeper fears, longings and needs. However these deeper feelings often do not come to the surface for expression as we can often get lost in reactions and defense mechanisms. The therapist is NOT the expert, the couples are the experts, and the therapist supports the couple in uncovering the negative cycle they are encapsulated in and facilitates the understanding of the deeper attachment needs at the core of the negative cycle/conflict. The building blocks of a healthy adult attachment (adult love) includes accessibility and responsiveness of the partners to each other’s CORE NEEDS AND FEELINGS. Which leads to my opening question. When vulnerable do you feel comfortable asking somebody close to hold you and support you with his or her love? The ability to feel comfortable and open enough to share these core emotions/feelings and needs creates SAFETY. If you are interested in understanding more about the de-escalation of negative cycles and building healthy adult attachment with those close to you please contact me through my website www.counsellingrelationships.com See more

01.01.2022 What is Counselling The basic foundations of counselling are the qualities of unconditional positive regard, empathetic understanding and congruence. These qualities cultivate a basic respect for the client and a willingness to help them improve. As the client’s issues are brought to the surface, oftentimes chronic, painful, complex or disturbing feelings and memories can also arise. Therefore clients seek a counsellor’s emotional involvement and realness. It is integral fo...r the counsellor to feel comfortable with the expression of the client’s thoughts and feelings. For example grief can affect us emotionally, mentally and physically, hence the importance of working through grief. Prolonging or avoiding dealing with this pain can inhibit the grief process. The experience of grief can involve feelings of guilt, shame, fear, anger and rage. These feelings can be suppressed or misplaced causing internal and external conflict and distress. This is often due to family and societal stigmatization of these feelings as unhealthy and demoralizing. Counselling provides a safe and supportive environment in order to unpack and process various mental, emotional and feeling states. Further info and contact details www.counsellingrelationships.com.au See more

01.01.2022 Attachment to a significant partner can sometimes have a negative connotation however understanding healthy attachment can help us deal with negative relationship patterns. According to attachment theory and research, there are two fundamental ways in which people differ from one another in the way they think about relationships. For example some people are more anxious than others. People who have attachment-related anxiety tend to worry about whether their partners really l...ove them and often fear rejection. Second, some people are more avoidant than others. People who are high in attachment-related avoidance are less comfortable depending on others and opening up to others. The two dimensions of anxiety and avoidance can be combined to create interesting combinations of attachment styles. These insecure attachment patterns can lead to significant others being unavailable and unresponsive, rejecting, abandoning and abusive. On the other hand secure attachment patterns lead to available understanding and responsive relationships. For example people who are low in both attachment-related anxiety and avoidance are generally considered secure because they don't typically worry about whether their partner's are going to reject them and they are comfortable being emotionally close to others. Attachment patterns are often formed in childhood. Our attachment patterns are elaborated and maintained throughout our life experiences. More importantly we can change outdated attachment-related anxiety and avoidance through understanding our personal attachment patterns and needs and through learning how to emotionally attune to our partner and develop healthy communication skills. For further information please visit www.counsellingrelationships.com.au See more