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Grieving Well

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25.01.2022 *Trigger warning for bereaved and childless parents.* So I am on the edge of being an empty nester. My son is off travelling in a campervan and every day I walk past his empty bedroom. I know I am blessed to have a healthy happy son who has grown to be a young man. I sometimes shame myself out of me grief with that fact but that does not allow the grief to do it’s work. The grief I feel for the end of some of the most precious times of my life is valid and vital for me to gr...ow. So shame shut the fuck up! I got this. That feeling of lying in bed with him reading books, of seeing him grow, his innocence, his pure observation and honesty. The joy of shared learning and play. How I yearn for more. How I want that time back and take it all in even better than I did. The memories fill my heart with love, yearning, regrets and sadness. I have sat on his bed my heart breaking. His empty room hurts but lets me know what matters as I choose what to fill this new space up with. What do I do with all this love that used to pour into my moments with him? Will it be new pets, projects, family,friends? Will I volunteer? Will I travel? What will climb into my heart and curl up in my arms like the love of my son? As I pondered all this I was walking on rocks on a beach. Some how the unsteady ground mirrored my grief. My feelings of grief make life feel unsteady and unstable. The solid ground of being a mother is not the same. I could keep walking but it feels good to stop and take in the scenery. As I stopped and looked at the rocks they looked like the rubble of my past. In that rubble there is treasure but there is also moments of terrible pain, regret, failures and losses. As I looked at those rocks one stood out. I picked it up and it fit comfortably in my hand. It’s weight was both a burden and a comfort. I brought it home and in the empty nest I felt in the middle of my chest I lay the rock. It filled that hole and somehow all felt right in the world. Mother Earth spoke to my heart with words I could not hear but felt silently. Nature is full of these gifts. I don’t know what it means yet but I know that I am learning to love more than before. That I am now loving my son who is both my little boy and a man. I know that when the heart breaks it is just it’s outer shell because it is growing. It is loving what was, what is and what is imagined. And that is more than what existed yesterday. #grievingwell

24.01.2022 So after my last post I then walk out the door of my hotel and I literally see the love train! Could the prayer come back at me any louder Bam straight in. Can’t miss that message. My heart goes kaboom!! Life an is magical

21.01.2022 Last night I went to 5 rhythms dance. I danced my grief and love for the earth, for evolution, for the people that were born here from this land for more years than i can imagine. Unbroken until my lineage broke it. I danced those lines that are now crossed and twisted together on that Australia Day. From the small mind of thinking it is either invasion day or Australia Day. Trying to find a way for either camp to not lose something. As I danced from one camp to the other a...nd felt the threads of the two camps I felt how they were connected and the disconnection is an illusion. The earth called Australia binds it all into one story. I danced that struggle that is inside me too. The bit of me that hurts others, hates, fears and rejects and the bit that lives and connects. There are no sitting conversations that have ever moved grief through me the way the body does when I get my mind out of the way. And there is so much grief to be acknowledge and felt on Australia Day. And it is Australia Day. Because that is what the truth of being Australian is. May invasion day be integrated into Australia Day as it is the truth that Australia is built on a massacre and theft of land. It is not either or. It is who we all are, it is how I get to dance here. How they have danced here. This day is a celebration and a devastation of how the Aboriginal and Torres Straight Islanders have survived against all odds and we are all here as one of the richest nations able to be free enough and compassionate enough to even be having these conversations. Treaty yeah!! Dance Yeah!! One people yeah!! https://youtu.be/2uszdyMaC2c https://youtu.be/kghNzPzYsRA #grievingwell

21.01.2022 Grief walking Grief walking is staying open to your heart and feelings, trusting your intuition to guide you where to walk, when to stop and when to start. To pay attention to what you see, hear, smell and sense. Noticing what you are drawn to. ... Your unconscious and conscious mind will find what it is you need to understand for your grief process. By looking for it in nature you will be speaking the unconscious minds language of metaphor. Nature is full of metaphors to guide us through life. Recently on walk, I kept noticing leaves. Leaves on the ground that were in a major life transition. Still with the colour that they had while connected to the tree but also rich with patterns and colours of their own individual and environmental making. As the life was leaving them they expressed themselves so beautifully through new patterns and colours. This is what I am currently navigating as I continue to age. Age and menopause have changed my chemistry and body. I feel grief as I seperate from the old image of myself that was all about beauty, vitality, fitting in, work, family and partnering. I grieve the lost potential of my time on the family tree. So what do these show me? Why do I keep noticing them? My body and world view are changing and I am integrating it all and changing the pattern of how I behave and who I am. I look different, feel different and I am seen differently. I am not a bright green leaf absorbing carbon dioxide. I am a variegated rainbow with marks and cracks exuding carbon dioxide. Releasing all that I took in. This is my time to seperate from others obligations and opinions and give back what my individual wisdom is. I am dying and living at the same time. My body is visibly showing that now. I am learning to love its ageing lines, spots, rolls and white hair. Just as I love the beauty of these ageing leaves. These leaves guide me to understand where I am at in my time of life and see the beauty in it. I am glad to be right where I am and how I am. #grievingwell

12.01.2022 This is certainly my cure.

09.01.2022 Valentine’s Day. For those of us alone and grieving broken relationships, these days that celebrate family and love are days in which we can mourn what we have lost or do not have. To you all I wish you a day of love. ... May love shine though like the sun breaking through a canopy of leaves. May it hammer and dance and waft and whisper it’s way through every resistance and barrier within your inner landscape and land delightfully and wonderfully in your centre and touch your soul. May you know love in the sound of a birds song, in the sight of a flower and in the air as it fills your lungs. May we all choose to grow love in ourselves and others not just in the form of romantic love but in all it’s glorious ways. St Valentine died for the act of growing love. Today as I ache for the love I think I do not have I call to love in all it’s forms to let my barriers fall and to fill my heart and let it grow ever larger and fuller until my eyes overflow with beauty of it This is my prayer. Happy Valentines Day #grievingwell

08.01.2022 Knowing I can die tomorrow reminds me that today is sacred, this breath is sacred, this life is a gift that I cannot reason for why it was given or why it ends. I just have now. With wonder for for it all. If the story I am telling myself is getting in the way of feeling or knowing that then I can change that story. If the word god bothers you, I offer you the invitation to change it to love or to change the story you have about god. The sacred is still sacred. It is in eve...rything and provides us with the most delicious feeling of awe when we choose to acknowledge it. What we lose is not gone It was and is in us It what was we felt and imagined In response to a person A story A place Those feelings have not gone They are waiting for the new story Person or place to arise in you So that they can come home So that they can be reclaimed So they can live again through you #grievingwell

06.01.2022 What is inside me. Unspoken. Unseen. My deepest true nature. Wild and untamed. Messy, raw and beautiful. So alive it overwhelms the senses. I grieve for her sometimes and then I immerse my self in a forest, a beach, or any natural waters and I feel whole again. This sculpture reminds me of the process of removing my citified self. https://mymodernmet.com/thrive-daniel-popper/

04.01.2022 Me and my shadow Fat here, sunspots there, broken veins everywhere! I am so grieving for my youth. How I yearn for my 20 year old body, a body without blemishes, pain, weakness, extra fat, or exhaustion. A body that still held the potential for so many moments to be lived with confidence, truth and fuck yeah attitude. How I am grieving that it didn’t. ... I grieve for that body and the stories it held that never eventuated. The children and marriage I didn’t have. The home, garden and animals I didn’t have. I look in the mirror and I see the grey hairs and wrinkles and know that that time is dead to me. Grief is here again. Shame, sadness, hurt, anger and disappointment have come to take my hands. Do I smother them or run from them as I often do. Or do I today sit with them, walk with them, until they have had their say? These visitors do not come without reason and they will come again when I gaze in the mirror so let’s just sort this out. They say let’s walk. And so I walk, allowing all the loss and their stories to be with me, to guide me into the wave of grief to the still point where an ultimate truth will be revealed. And then I see my shadow. And they say yes look at that. And a light goes on and my visitors bow and disappear My shadow has not changed since I was 20. It only changes with the sun. It is constant beyond any story I hold. It is the outline of me that I can fill in with any colours, stories or characters I want. It is the me beyond good or bad, right or wrong, young or old, success or failure. I am still here. I did not die. I still have the same potential for love, joy, adventure, and even more potential for courage and truth because I don’t have anything left to lose!! I see the me that is not defined by anything except the light. I cannot lose my shadow unless I choose to step out of the light. That is up to me. I go back to the mirror and say fuck you story. I am a miracle! And so that is what I see. I give thanks for the amazing life I had while I wasn’t having the amazing life I thought I would have. I am the only me I have. And I am always here and always have been. Just like my shadow. Thank you grief for the visit! #grievingwell

03.01.2022 People often ask what do I say to someone who is grieving. I think these penguins nailed it. Just be there and be there again. #grievingwell

03.01.2022 We all hurt along the way. Sending out permission to own it, hear it and honour it. Love it. Cuddle it. Forgive it. Whatever your hurt needs, give it and gently hold it’s hand as you walk with trust in yourself to navigate life, it’s gifts and it’s losses, and walk at your pace into 2021. #grievingwell