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23.01.2022 #BREAKING: ST MARKS COLLEGE TO CLOSE IMMEDIATELY JCU TODAY is sorry to report that St Mark's College will be closing at the end of this semester, reportedly due to financial problems. For a college to close mid year is a terrible disruption to students, and a sorry end to an institution that has changed countless lives.... It is dissapointing that the University has chosen to make such a decision in secret and without any consultation from the students and wider community. Why couldn't temporary financial support be provided until the end of this year? Without change at JCU, this won't be the last such story.

21.01.2022 5 stars for job success

19.01.2022 RUSSIA INTERFERED WITH STUDENT ASSOCIATION ELECTION Deputy Vice Chancellor and JCUSA Board member Professor Sally Kift has this morning aired explosive allegations that Moscow-sponsored hackers have interfered with a Student Association election and disabled the website. Some have criticised Professor Kift for making the claim just a day after revealing that she had voted with other JCUSA representatives to slash clubs and societies funding by $50,000, an amount rumoured to... be slightly less than her 2015 bonus. Kift has claimed that the former JCUSA President was in regular contact with students who were citizens of, or associated with citizens of the former Soviet Union, including on one occasion meeting a Russian student in his office. I don’t care how many votes he received, we can’t have Putin’s puppet in our midst, she said yesterday. Professor Kift, responsible for the Academic area of the University, is leaving JCU this year following a failure to improve enrolments or retention during her tenure despite receiving a sizeable salary. The Acting President, who received just 15 votes, has revealed the extent of the KGB infiltration: up to three citizens of the Russian Federation were revealed to be voting members of the JCUSA at the last election and, even worse, two of those voted in that election. SWEET have not denied receiving funding from the Kremlin. Kift also blamed the Student Association website outage, ongoing for some months, on Russia backed hackers, and has called on the Vice Chancellor to appoint a special prosecutor to investigate Vladimir Putin’s continued meddling in JCU elections. We will never know just how much he influenced these elections, but it is a perilous attack on our democracy. JCU TODAY spoke anonymously to a number of university staff who were eagerly counting down the days to Professor Kift’s departure. Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov interrupted a meeting with Mr Trump to flatly deny the allegations. Read my lips. No. he said.

19.01.2022 KIM JONG UN EXECUTES EDUROAM ENGINEER Supreme and glorious leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Kim Jong Un, has reportedly executed the man responsible for the Eduroam network, Mr Alan Skase with a lethal dose of 2.4Ghz microwave radiation. Kim hired Skase to lead the Rouge State’s troubled ballistic missile program following a series of launch failures. State media reported this morning that Skase was recruited after a North Korean Army Intelligence Report... declared that Eduroam had caused more disruption to the Western Imperialist Pigs than six decades of strongly worded anti-Western rants by the North Korean Regime. In a diplomatic cable published by Wikileaks it was revealed that Skase had (slightly) greater success with missiles than wireless networks. We assess the chance of a DPRK intercontinental ballistic missile reaching the continental United States as about the same as maintaining a constant connection to Eduroam for more than 30 minutes at a time. In other words, practically zero, said the US Ambassador to South Korea in a cable to the Pentagon. This small improvement was not enough for the young dictator, who was repeatedly embarrassed by ongoing launch failures. South Korean media reported allegations that the last straw came when a network dropout interrupted Kim ordering a variety of pizzas on the nation’s intranet. A recent survey found that trying to connect to eduroam had overtaken procrastination as the most common activity of students studying in the university library.

17.01.2022 NEW JCU SOCIAL MEDIA POLICY INSPIRED BY LITERARY CLASSIC JCU has recently introduced a new social media policy covering everything from email and Facebook messenger to Wikipedia. The Vice Chancellor’s strict new regime prohibits staff and students from making spurious or derogatory comments, using profanity or doing anything else that might be harmful to the university’s reputation where JCU might be identifiable. Until now it wasn’t known that the policy had its roots one... of the most influential books of the twentieth century. The VC has empowered her top bureaucrats to enforce the tough new rules, with the ability to cancel enrolments and terminate staff for outrageous behaviour such as criticising the university or downplaying the relevance of the ‘tropics’. We couldn’t have another semester of unauthorised timetabling complaints making their way to social media, said spokeswoman Vanessa Krupp, complaints can now only be made in the approved form. We can now exclusively reveal that the policy was inspired by the VC’s recent re-read of twentieth century literary classic Nineteen Eighty-Four, written by George Orwell. A senior source has revealed that the Vice Chancellor is a ‘big fan’ and ‘determined to do something about the scourge of thoughtcrime at JCU.’ JCU Business Student Rachel Jones took to Facebook to condemn the policy yesterday, stating It makes us look like a police state, isn’t freedom of thought and expression the hallmark of a great university? When asked about this incident, JCU spokeswoman Ms Krupp informed JCU TODAY that Miss Jones was no longer a student of James Cook University. JCU TODAY has been informed that a joint ASIO-NSA delegation has been sent to observe the world class surveillance system, with JCU also having the right in its ICT policy to monitor any activity of anyone using its networks and disclose the contents of electronic communications without permission. We are very proud that JCU has reached another first this time being the first Australian University to reach the top 4% of the most watched universities in the world, said Ms Krupp. https://www.jcu.edu.au//information-communication-technolo https://www.jcu.edu.au//corporate-gove/social-media-policy

16.01.2022 FEDERAL GOVERNMENT INVESTIGATING AFTER HUNDREDS OF JCU STUDENTS FALL FOR SUSAN CROPER SCAM CANBERRA Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull is tonight considering calling a Royal Commission into Tertiary Education after tens of thousands of university students were fooled into sharing a rather unconvincing fake Instagram post for the chance to win $1,000. Preliminary figures reveal that James Cook University was amongst the worst hit, with the academic fitness of hundreds of its st...udents now under serious doubt. Many commentators are now wondering how students who believe that a woman would genuinely give away $50 million to people for sharing her Instagram post will ever succeed in gainful employment. It looks like we’ll have to write off their HECS debts in the next budget, said Treasurer Scott Morrison. Third year business student Isabella, 21, has been a serial victim of such scams, with her friends reporting her entering numerous Facebook ‘competitions’ including her attempts to secure $1000 Bunnings gift cards and The Grass is Greener tickets supposedly being given out by a North Queensland ‘university’. I get free money in my bank every fortnight from Centrelink, so why can’t Jetstar & Bunnings do it as well, as a marketing student I know it’s great marketing for them, she said as she shared a ‘win a jetstars [sic] holidays’ post which featured numerous spelling errors and a heavily pixilated photo of first class seating emblazed with the 2008 Jetstar logo. What do you mean Jetstar doesn’t have first class? Well to be fair if you believe that JCU is in the top 2% of Universities worldwide, you can’t be blamed for believing this, said Uni Club regular Carter Castro. A JCU spokesman has condemned a proposal from Education Minister Simon Birmingham to require students to pass a Gullibility Test before being admitted to university as ‘potentially devastating to the University’s finances.’

15.01.2022 JCU FIVE STARS FOR MEME SUCCESS In light of recent procrastinating events, JCU has launched itself as the world’s highest ranking Memeversity. 3rd year Engineering student, Adam Staples, is the first recipient of the Elite Meme Program’s scholarship a result of his overnight fame putting a pen through his fidget spinner at Western Courts. JCU is already in the top 4% of Universities for meme output, with young Mr Staples’ efforts being published in the renewed internationa...l meme journal 9Gag, and being cited 22,000 times within its first hour, said the Vice Chancellor just outside the Qantas Lounge. Staples, 23, will now have his university and college fees paid for under the newly implanted Elite Meme Program, to replace the outdated and underused Elite Athlete Program as well as rumors of a lifetime VIP membership at the Uni Bar. The Head of the JCU Creative Arts School has resigned after the low grade meme received more views and post engagements than all content produced by all graduates and students in the history of the school combined. A JCU spokesman revealed that Mr Staples had been offered counselling to deal with the fact that his career has already peaked. We just don’t expect this kind of fame from our graduates, he said with only a JCU degree, it’s only downhill from here. With student enrollments on the drop, JCU’s newest Director of Marketing, Randall Doge, said to JCU TODAY that forcing students to go days without studying to film all sorts of tricks would soon be the new norm. Once all students compulsorily complete ME1001 ‘The historical construct of memes’ they will then complete a Work-Integrated-Learning project where they will each have to construct a viral meme in order to pass. Mr Staples was unavailable for comment with his management citing a day packed full of interviews with US day-time TV shows, including Good Morning USA, the Ellen Show and The View. President for Rotary & Western Courts hopes that whilst this is the college’s highest achievement to date, he hopes that this fame will inspire his fellow college residents to actually get out of bed and get to cross country this year. https://www.facebook.com/8Memesofficial/videos/258680141279329/?pnref=story

15.01.2022 Superintendent Chalmers, Mad Cow Tavern, 2018, (colourised)

14.01.2022 JCU VET GIRL RISKS GRADUATING WITHOUT RAMBUTAN SWING PHOTO In a disturbing revelation, final year vet student Lucy Smith has been outed as the only student in her cohort who hasn’t been photographed in a candid pose on the swing at local hostel Rambutan. Veterinary Science administrators have issued the student with a formal warning requiring evidence of such a photograph within fourteen days in order to receiver her degree when she is due to graduate next year. ... Mental Health expert Dr Peter Lau has urged any other students who haven’t had the iconic photograph to come forward for a free medical checkup. I’m afraid that this is the closest thing to class and high society that most Veterinary Students get, he said, noting that for the Vet student, an overwhelming attraction to what is normally regarded as a plaything for small children is really quite rational. Unless they make it as a Channel 7 personality or breeding racehorses for the Arabs they won’t ever be visiting the Eiffel Tower. They probably think The Louvre is a cocktail. Another student who received a formal warning and wished to remain anonymous confided in JCU TODAY that she had actually attempted such a photograph on three occasions but excessive consumption of shots earlier in the night meant she could not maintain her balance long enough for the photographer to be summoned. Local man Reg Cook has installed an exact replica of the famous swing at his rental property after discovering its unexplained irresistibility to female students. He confirmed that Tinder matches increased by 250% following this innovative move. Sources have told JCU TODAY that Cactus Jacks is to install a see-saw and Mad Cow a slippery slide to get in on the trend.

14.01.2022 #BREAKING JCU STUDENT ASSOCIATION GENERAL MANAGER SENTENCED FOR FRAUD JCUSA General Manager Benita Bosch, 36, has been sentenced in the Townsville Magistrates Court to 12 Months Jail, wholly suspended for two years, the Townsville Bulletin has reported this morning. Bosch defrauded over $20,000 to "maintain her lifestyle". Despite being charged in July, neither JCU or the JCUSA have told students about the fraud.... Ms Bosch was dismissed for "serious misconduct" on 10 March 2017 by then President and Vice President Edward Harridge and Kimberley Rogers-Ford as previously reported by the Bulletin. JCU TODAY understands this was done for a variety of reasons including a failure to abide by a purchasing policy, dishonesty and fraudulent editing of council meeting minutes. However, Bosch was swiftly reinstated on 13 March by other members of the Council, including 2018 JCUSA candidate Michael Kane, with public minutes of that meeting revealing that Mr Harridge was prevented from voting and presenting evidence against Ms Bosch. Members of council later passed a resolution requesting the resignation of Mr Harridge. JCU TODAY is also aware that Kane and other members of council agreed to cut Clubs and Societies funding and redirect those funds towards increased staff wages. Magistrate Ross Mack said that the fraud could result in students "Missing out on the facilities because they haven't got sufficient funds to do what they wanted to do because you've knocked it off." The next JCUSA Council Meeting is scheduled for 11 September.

14.01.2022 JCU TOGA PARTY ACCUSED OF CULTURAL APPROPRIATION The City of Rome has today lodged a complaint in the Australian Human Rights Commission, accusing JCU, the JCU Student Association and the Uni Bar of gross cultural insensitivity and stating that my culture is NOT your piss-up costume. JCU TODAY heard from another Roman citizen, who said I’m proud of my culture, including the extreme barriers marginalized people within that culture have had to overcome those obstacles, ...for it to simply be subject to Australian consumerism and cater to a white audience, is parallel to colonial ideology. This is despite Rome’s history of enjoying one of the world’s largest colonial empires. Yet another took to the Roman Forum of our time, Twitter, to say you just don’t wear it if ur not. Roman it’s not something to play dress up with. Roman History Professor Augustus Caesar said The Roman Toga was historically worn by men, the only women who wore it were prostitutes. We don’t believe that the concept of cultural appropriation existed in the ancient Empire. The complaint comes on the back of an American student being criticised for wearing a Chinese-style dress to her school formal. Other students have reacted with fury to the complaints. English student Harold Norfolk hit back at the claims: Rome is bitter about having peaked in the 1st century, now they’re just famous for changing sides halfway through a war, carb-loading and the world’s biggest paedophile networking association. The City of Rome was unable to specify exactly how the complaint would reduce racism or the suffering of Romans in any way. Her Majesty the Queen is reportedly investigating reports that a large number of nations who have no connection to England have begun wearing the English suit, including to school formals.

10.01.2022 SCHAPPELLE CORBY ENROLS FOR MID YEAR ENTRY Fresh from her years languishing in a Balinese prison and Current Affair stories, a JCU spokesman and Ms Corby’s publicist have confirmed in a joint statement that she has enrolled in a JCU Bachelor of Arts (Criminology) degree, commencing in July. JCU Marketing has been rumoured to behind the coup for the university, calculating that giving Corby a scholarship would be the cheapest way to advertise to their target markets. It’s bri...lliant, round the clock coverage of JCU on every tabloid newspaper and commercial TV network, said marketing director John Porsche, we’re the only university who their viewers can get into. It’s been confirmed that Corby will be taking the reigns of the JCU snapchat account on the first takeover Tuesday of O-Week. Corby has reportedly joined the JCU Sustainability Club and plans to be active in the Rotary International House Garden. Corby’s sister Mercedes and cousins BMW and Ferrari, have jointly contracted an unnamed mature age law student to provide protection on campus. Queensland Police have announced that sniffer dogs will be a regular feature at the Uni Club from now on.

09.01.2022 #BREAKING Entire Australian parliament resigns after North Korea makes all MPs and Senators DPRK dual citizens.

07.01.2022 Happy (school) Holidays!

07.01.2022 HANSON: JCU AT RISK OF BEING SWAMPED BY ASIAN FOOD Queensland Senator and Founder of the anti-immigration One Nation Party, Pauline Hanson, has this evening announced her intention to run candidates in the Student Association elections later this year to protest the preponderance of Asian foodstuffs on campus. Senator Hanson has declared that, following the closure of the Refectory, From medilink to the Science Place to Education Central, a seaweed curtain had descended acr...oss a once great university. JCU is at risk of being swamped by Asian food. Senator Hanson was unswayed by news that an Italian outlet had recently opened: Our brave men didn’t fight and win the Second World War only to be fed the food of the Axis Powers, she said. JCU TODAY investigated the situation and confirmed that seaweed containing foodstuffs made up over 75% of available food on campus. JCU spokeswoman Melany Jones confirmed that the matter was being addressed by administrators: Campus food is a priority for us, that’s why we’ve mobilised a cross-college steering committee to consult with current and future stakeholders, the Estate office and the university plan to write a detailed report about ways we might in the future consider doing something about it, she said. Student Ripley Burton described the situation: I’ve just ordered my 225th Salmon and avocado sushi roll of my degree. I can no longer visit sushi outlets with family or friends, even a mere whiff of soy sauce is enough to remind me of my failing university career and little plastic fish, he said earlier today. A One Nation source has told JCU TODAY that a fish and chip shop will be the key promise of the One Nation Student Party, to be called Pauline Youth.

06.01.2022 FACEBOOK FRIEND LAST SPOKEN TO IN 2011 REQUESTS STUDY NOTES Straight HD student Reginald Middleton has been on the receiving end of various Facebook messages requesting urgent study assistance from various students who he has not spoken to in up to a decade. hey mate sorry about the locker room thingo [sic] in yr 8 but if u had any notes for Cost Acounting [sic] that would be sik [sic], didn’t make the wk 3 lecture, u no [sic] how it is man read one of the messages obtained... by JCU TODAY. It soon became apparent that the student had not made any other of the semester’s lectures either. The sudden leap in popularity is nothing new for Mr Middleton, who finds himself inundated with superfluous compliments and messages every SWOTVAC. Middleton has been forced to seek shelter away from the JCU library and Facebook following a barrage of requests for him to teach students 13 weeks of content within half an hour. All further requests have been directed to the QUT note pool.

05.01.2022 STUDENT ARRESTED IN POSSESSION OF TEXTBOOKS WITH A STREET VALUE OF $150,000 Queensland Police have had a massive breakthrough in stamping out the illegal textbook trade after arresting a Townsville kingpin this morning. Second year JCU Business Student, Paul Escopub, was caught in possession of a backpack containing five textbooks with an estimated street value of $150,000. Young enterprising crims have taken to parallel importation of textbooks to undercut domestic prices....Continue reading

05.01.2022 JCU STUDENT ASSOCIATION GENERAL MANGER ON FRAUD CHARGE Benita Bosch, General Manager of the JCU Student Association has been charged with fraud by the Queensland Police and is due to appear in the Townsville Magistrates’ Court tomorrow. The alleged fraud involved her appropriating association funds for her own use. Ms Bosch was sacked by the former President and Vice President of the JCU Student Association, Edward Harridge and Kimberley Rogers-Ford on 10 March for working i...llegally and serious misconduct, according to a Townsville Bulletin report earlier this year. However, the rest of the JCUSA Council, Sally Kift, Claire Holland, Jesse Argent, Michael Kane and Sydney Jones overruled this on 13 March at a Council meeting, instead tabling a motion to remove Mr Harridge. This was followed by the resignation of Mr Harridge and Ms Rogers-Ford. JCU TODAY is aware of documentation sent to the JCUSA Council in which Mr Harridge made a series of allegations relating to fraudulent editing of meeting minutes, breaches of purchasing policy, blackmail through illegal recording, working without a valid visa and other alleged misconduct. Public minutes of the meeting in which Ms Bosch was reinstated on 13 March reveal that JCU Law Lecturer Claire Holland rejected an attempt by Mr Harridge to speak on further evidence of Ms Bosch’s misconduct. It is understood that some members of the Council had a series of disagreements with Mr Harridge in the months leading up to the attempted removal of Ms Bosch. JCU TODAY has been told by a source close to Mr Harridge that the Vice Chancellor was aware of most of the allegations raised with the JCUSA Council as far back as late March. It has also been alleged that Mr Argent’s salary was subsequently increased, JCU TODAY has sighted a payslip showing Mr Argent being paid two salaries, usually paid to two separate employees. It is unclear how long this arrangement was in effect. We have reached out to the JCUSA for comment. https://mypolice.qld.gov.au//cairns-overnight-media-wrap-/

05.01.2022 "It's true our unis are obsessed by research, but any innovation this leads is almost accidental. The research the unis care about is papers published in prestigious foreign journals, which they see as the path to what they're really striving for: a higher ranking on the various international league tables of universities. There are some excellent teachers in universities, but they're the exception. The unis pretend to value good teachers and award tin medals to prove it ...but, in truth, there are no promotions for being a good teacher. Students are seen as a necessary evil, needed because the public thinks teaching their kids is the main reason for continuing to feed academics." http://www.smh.com.au//our-universities-arent-earning-the-

04.01.2022 LIBRARY CARPET GETS HERITAGE LISTING The Queensland Heritage Council confirmed that the carpet on the top two floors of the JCU library has been protected indefinitely due to its age and cultural significance, putting it in the lofty company of historical assets such as the former Townsville General Hospital and the Criterion Hotel. It’s simply remarkable, said Heritage Council spokesman Chester Bridgewater We’ve never seen such a well preserved piece of flooring anywhere... in the country. The library has a variety of carpets that have not been updated or cleaned since it was opened by Her Majesty the Queen in 1970. We’ve got the full range of carpets from that era, Mr Bridgewater continued, quite clearly red was in vogue at the time, and we’ve got at least 23 different shades and 10 different patterns, from lattice to solid fill throughout the building. The top floor toilets have also been shortlisted for heritage listing following an inspection last week. Despite complaints about the economic cost of the heritage listing process, the University reassured its creditors that there would be no extra cost. It’s just business as usual, we’ve decided that our annual carpet cleaning budget of nil dollars will continue to be appropriate, said a spokesman. JCU TODAY spoke to some library regulars who expressed a degree of concern, especially following a series of rodent sightings. They were pleased to be part of history but wondered about the origin of some of the more mysterious stains, believed to be a result of 50 years of bodily fluids and foodstuffs.

04.01.2022 FIRST YEAR COUNSELLED AFTER BUYING RECOMMENDED TEXTBOOKS First year Law-Business student Amber Johnson has been referred to a local psychiatrist and financial planner after purchasing the recommended textbooks in her subject outlines. After visiting the Co-Op bookshop with her mother she came out with an average of three books per subject, draining her inheritance to the tune of $1,300 plus GST. ... I thought that the University wouldn’t recommend something unless it was actually useful, said Miss Johnson in her patient statement. Well it looks like we’ve got a very serious case of delusion on our hands, said the treating doctor after being asked about Miss Jonson’s statement. Fortunately, most students learn not to believe JCU recommendations after about six months of study, so I am taking a glass half full approach to this patient, he said. JCU TODAY spoke to a 4th year student who hadn’t bought a textbook since 2nd year: I was a fool once too, but then you work out that the prescribed textbooks have at best a loose relevance to what the lecturer is on about, and if you’re desperate you can just renew library books an infinite number of times with no penalty. None of the students JCU TODAY could contact had purchased a recommended textbook, with one stating that she had no hope as a businesswoman with such a complete disregard for cost control. It was also rumoured that a 5th year Law/Economics student had referred the misleading and deceptive textbook lists to the ACCC for breaches of the Australian Consumer Law.