Not My Closet in Melbourne, Victoria, Australia | Counsellor

Not My Closet

Locality: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

Phone: +61 411 889 175

Address: Pascoe Vale 3044 Melbourne, VIC, Australia

Website: http://www.notmycloset.com

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25.01.2022 This podcast highlights a very important issue: no matter how difficult it is for someone to come out of the closet and be their true selves (particularly in the past and still now, for some), it is always a *choice* to marry a straight person. When you do, you’re effectively closeting them with you, even though they may not know until you tell them. To anyone who might be thinking that a solution to not wanting to be gay/trans is to hide in a straight marriage, please d...on’t. To anyone for whom coming out is risky due to faith or family, this must be so difficult for you, but we ask you to please consider the impact your choice would have on your partner. They have a right to know the truth. Both of you are worth more than a closeted marriage. This young closeted Muslim woman realised marrying a straight person wasn’t fair or right and has bravely decided not to do what was expected of her. There must be other solutions. Our society is gradually becoming so much more accepting of the spectrum of sexual orientations, and this is a good thing! In the meantime, and always, marriages need to be built on a foundation of truth and honesty. #LGBTI #LGB #notmycloset #homophobia #TruthMatters

25.01.2022 As a partner of a closeted LGBT person, you've possibly spent a major part of your relationship responding/reacting to the unconscious sense that something wasn't right in the relationship and that perhaps there was something 'wrong' with you, so you should try harder, or be kinder, or somehow subjugate yourself to placate the angst of the person who is suppressing their homosexuality etc (and I'm not for a moment suggesting that it is easy or fun for someone to suppress thei...r sexuality). This can set up a habit of focusing on trying to help or support your partner and ignoring your own needs. If you also happen to be a mother, this can be like a 'double-whammy', as mothers often tend towards a similar role of care-taking. It can be like learning a new language to care for yourself and prioritise your own needs. It's a language well worth learning, though! And yet it can feel not only foreign but also somehow wrong. Why is it that Random Acts of Kindness are seen as desirable, acceptable, noble unless the kindness is directed towards self. Is it selfish or self-indulgent to be kind to yourself? When we are struggling or suffering, a common response is to beat ourselves up. We should have done better, known better, BEEN better. We should have spoken up, stayed silent, walked away or stuck around. Empathy and compassion for others are essential, and absolutely make the world a better place. But if we can’t also be compassionate and kind towards ourselves, our compassion store can dry up, leading to resentment. So what stops us? The article in the first comment sheds light on 3 myths about self-compassion: it’s selfish, it will make us complacent, or it’s self-pitying. I love this quote from the article: Self-pity shuts you down. Self-compassion opens you up. As we turn towards ourselves with compassion, our hearts soften towards the collective human experience of suffering and we have a wellspring of compassion to pass forward to others. Which myth gets in the way of your self-compassion? How can you be kinder to yourself today? #selfcompassion #straightspouse #straightspouserecovery #notmycloset #notmyclosetanymore

24.01.2022 Do you feel stuck in your relationship, after discovering your partner is LGBT? Or do you feel stuck in a place of indecision, uncertain that leaving or staying is ideal? You may feel a sense of loyalty because of empathy for your partner, or a sense of duty to your vows, or societal/family rules about marriages, or old attachment patterns. It can also be difficult when your partner's emotional investment in the relationship has changed but yours hasn't, and when your partner... has had a headstart in working through this issue. There can be various contributing factors keeping you feeling stuck, or ambivalent/uncertain about the relationship. If you need support in the process of working through these issues, therapy may help. You can book a free, no-obligation inquiry call to find out if specialised therapy for this issue may be helpful for you. Whether you decide to stay or leave, exploring the options, blockages and stuck points can empower you to make an informed choice and experience greater fulfilment in your life, whether separating or staying together. #mixedorientationrelationship #notmycloset #straightspouse #relationshipambivalence

20.01.2022 To those of you who’ve been through the heartache of discovering your partner isn’t who you thought they were, this is for you! May you make it out with a heart as hot as gold, a core made of fire. May your life be soaked with intention (to recover and thrive!). May you experience hope like a morning. May you know how to start again - how to walk with your palms wide open to opportunity, new growth and new chapters. May you know how to begin at the edge, or even end, of your ...adversity. Your pain and difficulty are seen here. Your challenges and struggles are acknowledged. #notmyclosetanymore #notmycloset #straightspouserecovery #straightspouse #resilience #adversity #recovery

16.01.2022 Rebuilding can be quite a long process in your recovery journey. And sometimes, before that can even happen, an old building needs to be demolished, or perhaps radically renovated. Or perhaps you’ll choose to build somewhere completely new. It can be scary letting go of the old and creating something new! Alongside the fear, though, is the potential to create something perfectly suited to your needs. What are you building in your next chapter? Is it brand new? A renovation ...of what was already there? Or perhaps you’re taking some parts from the old house and using them in new and different ways. Whatever you do, the choice is yours to hold on to the old and do something new with it, to keep things as they are, or to start over completely. Sometimes your partner may have been the one to choose to take your house away. Now it’s up to you to choose whether to cling to the past or take tentative steps towards a new start. You may need a whole team of tradespeople, and that’s okay! #straightspouse #straightspouserecovery #notmycloset #notmyclosetanymore #recovery #griefrecovery

16.01.2022 You may have been tripped up by the discovery that your partner is LGBT, you may feel broken and full of despair, rage, regret and many other emotions, but you WILL rise again. You will recover; you will rebuild your life, your sense of identity and your self-worth. Where you are today is not where you will be tomorrow. You do not have to stay stuck here. #straightspouse #straightspouserecovery #mixedorientationrelationship #notmycloset #notmyclosetanymore #notbroken #recovery

16.01.2022 The light will shine again, the joy will come. No matter what chaos or despair you're experiencing now, you have the seeds of growth and transformation within you. Hold onto that hope. In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love. In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile. In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm. I realised, through it all, that in the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger - something better, pushing right back - Albert Camus #hope #growth #resilience #straightspouserecovery #notmycloset #notmyclosetanymore

13.01.2022 I used to be afraid of anger, having experienced some fairly volatile expressions of it as I was growing up, and also in earlier adulthood. When I was processing the ending of my marriage after my husband told me he was gay, it was difficult for me to connect with my anger. With the help of my therapist, and some pivotal experiences such as revisiting significant places from my marriage including the church where we married and later buried our son, I was finally able to ackn...owledge the anger I’d been suppressing. Underneath the anger there was, of course, all sorts of other emotions needing my love, care and attention. Once I opened up to the emotions that had seemed too painful to experience, my healing and grieving process allowed me to see things I’d not been facing. I was also able to finally stand up and say, enough! I deserve better than this. I didn’t need to be afraid of my own anger. I needed to listen. And to act. . . . #straightspouse #straightspouserecovery #notmycloset #notmyclosetanymore

10.01.2022 Forgiveness is an issue we often don't want to think about after being betrayed by someone we loved, or disappointed by people we thought would care. Where does it sit on your radar? . . #notmycloset #notmyclosetanymore #straightspouse #straightspouserecovery #forgiveness

09.01.2022 Winter has drawn to a close here in Australia, and spring is emerging with all its possibility and newness (and for some, allergies!). What a strange winter it has been! Yet even the darkest, coldest, bleakest winter holds within it the seeds of potential growth. I wonder what glimmers of hope you have, that new growth will come? #notmycloset #notmyclosetanymore #straightspouse #straightspouserecovery #hope #resilience

06.01.2022 It's International Men's Day so I thought I'd do a shout-out to all the men who've discovered their wives aren't straight. This doesn't make you any less masculine. It's okay to reach out for help. #notmycloset #notmyclosetanymore #mixedorientationmarriage #mixedorientationrelationship #straightspouse #menscounselling #menscounsellingaustralia #internationalmensday

06.01.2022 Imagine yourself 12 months from now, sitting having a "beverage of choice" with a friend. What will you tell them about your growth over the year? What will you be most proud of? What will your #straightspouserecovery look like?

05.01.2022 Do you know someone who’s discovered their partner is LGBT? You may think it’s not such a big deal, or that they should have known, or that they should be happy for them/celebrate them. You may even have thought (or told them) that it’s not as bad as their partner having an affair with someone of the opposite sex. You may not know quite what to do or how to support them. You may be feeling torn between wanting to support the closeted person in their coming out experience..., and the partner left behind. You may think you’ll be seen as homophobic if you focus on supporting the straight partner. Supporting your straight friend/family member doesn’t make you homophobic! It simply shows that you care. Most ‘straight spouses’ (the term often used to signify someone who’s found out their partner is LGBT) experience this as an extremely traumatic loss, a betrayal. They may be in a state of shock. They are grieving the loss of the person they thought they knew, and questioning the validity of their entire marriage. They’re also likely to be questioning themselves and wondering how they will ever be able to trust someone again, after realising that the person who should have loved them the most, didn’t. This is the other side of the rainbow. The other side of the closet. A closet they didn’t even know they were in. They will often be watching their partner/former partner be celebrated, while they suffer in silence, unseen and overlooked because it can be seen as not being politically correct to focus on their side of the story. The reality is, both sides matter. And what the straight partner desperately needs, and often doesn’t receive, is acknowledgment. The situation can’t be fixed with platitudes or minimisation. But their pain, their grief, their struggle, can be acknowledged. This helps. A lot. They want to be seen, heard, and understood. They want to have their experience acknowledged. So if you know someone going through this, I encourage you to reach out. Listen. Make space for their story, too. Acknowledge their emotions, the validity of their experience, however they’re experiencing it. You can make a significant difference in their recovery. Thank you! https://youtu.be/l2zLCCRT-nE #theotherside #lgbtallies #lgbtally #straightspouse #notmycloset #notmyclosetanymore

05.01.2022 I quietly stepped out of the limelight and he paraded his pain around town. Did your partner coming out of the closet and into the spotlight? It may be incredibly challenging for you, having for years been unknowingly (or even knowingly) closeted along with your partner, only to have them finally come out to a Mexican Wave of adulation and celebration of their newfound authenticity. It is good that they are finally free to be themselves and to be celebrated for who they are.... But it’s usually a one-person party in a two-person relationship. It hurts when you are overlooked while they are celebrated.it hurts when the impact of their coming out on your marriage and your life is unseen, in acknowledged, or invalidated. I’m here to say you ARE seen. Your story matters. Your pain is valid and you are not alone. If you need help to get through this, please reach out to me at the page or book in for a free 20-minute inquiry call here. https://karenbiemancounselling.as.me/free-inquiry

03.01.2022 Gay conversion therapy is now banned in Queensland, Australia, and this is not a moment too soon. Let's hope that this prevents further harm being done to anyone struggling to accept their LGBT+ sexual orientation. Importantly, I would also like to acknowledge the harm done to many heterosexual partners of closeted LGBT people who were led to believe their sexual orientation was a sin and that they could 'pray it away,' marry a heterosexual person, and all would be well. It a...lmost never is! And the straight partner becomes collateral damage of #gayconversiontherapy This is the dark side of the closet; the invisible suffering of people rarely acknowledged by society and the media. Here is a tiny insight into the experience of just one heterosexual person who was married to someone who was suppressing his homosexuality, until he wasn't, and she was discarded. There are many more like her. "My former husband married me so he could have a wife and family. He convinced me that he loved me and he could be married. I think he loved me with his will and not his whole heart. As a Christian, he thought he couldn’t be gay. He often said ‘I chose to be married and have a family.’ I feel like he chose me as a lifestyle choice. He told me ‘I thought I had to be married’, but no, he did not. He had prayer to ‘pray away the gay’. They did ‘spiritual warfare’ over him to be rid of the spirit of homosexuality. This involved praying for God's protection and saying ‘spirit of homosexuality, be gone in Jesus name’ The fact that my husband was full of self-hatred because he was gay was difficult. It was a secret that he carried around with him all the time. I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone unless he did. He would tell me often that he was struggling with being attracted to men. I felt uncomfortable and awkward as he said he enjoyed our intimacy but in hindsight, our life together was based on him trying to keep his homosexuality under control. I was in my husband’s closet because he wanted to be in control of the story. It was a very long and confusing marriage." ~ Julie. https://www.sbs.com.au//queensland-has-become-the-first-au #straightspouse #straightspouserecovery #notmycloset #theothersideofthecloset #notmyclosetanymore

01.01.2022 Online counselling is available for individuals - booking link here: https://karenbieman.com/booking/ Counselling groups are also coming soon! (Face to face counselling returning to Melbourne, Australia, after Covid!)