Tanya M Wilson | Psychotherapist

Tanya M Wilson

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25.01.2022 I worry about what other people think of me We may lie in bed and rerun conversations. We said the wrong thing again. That person is probably lying awake right now thinking about how insensitive, stupid, or naive we are. Just thinking about it makes us feel ashamed, even though everything seemed okay at the time of the conversation. Or perhaps we have just finished a big project and feel pretty good about it. If the feedback we get is positive, we are elated. But, if ther...e is any negative feedback, even though it will improve the project tremendously, all our good feelings evaporate. We don't hear feedback as dialogue about ideas, we hear it as an indictment of self. We are a failure. This is called attachment to praise and blame. It means we have granted other people the power to determine our state of worth. It means we are helpless. Tomorrow night's expression in my series of quotes from 'Guilt is the teacher, Love is the lesson' by Joan Borysenko is on not coping when people are angry with you.

25.01.2022 The value edition - https://mailchi.mp/tanyamwilson.c/the-value-edition-3769201

23.01.2022 Over the next 21 days i am going to be sharing twenty one expressions of unhealthy guilt from the book 'Guilt is the teacher, Love is the lesson' by Joan Borysenko. The purpose of these are not to cause further self criticism and guilt. They are instead an important step in self recognition and awareness and they can be used to better understand how these unhealthy guilts distort our thoughts, emotions and behaviours. I hope that you will find these expressions both helpful... and light hearted. I recommend, if you can, to read Joan's book in full as it is a helpful resource. Tomorrow's first expressions will discuss our unhealthy guilt which leads to over commitment.

22.01.2022 Today is another common unhealthy guilt by Joan Borysenko in Guilt is the teacher, Love is the lesson'; I'm a doormat We try so hard to be good that we are often the one to take on the extra project. We do twice as much work around the house, the office, the school cookout as co-workers, family, or friends. Furthermore, even if it's someone else's job, we often jump in and do it before theyve got a chance! This pattern inevitably leads to anger because it forces other pe...ople into the role of the aggressor, since we insist on being the victim of their fantasised insensitivity toward us. In family situations, doormatting creates the famous martyr complex, which is guaranteed to make us vastly unpopular in spite of all our efforts. After all, few people care to play the role of the ungrateful, lazy, neer-do-well that the martyr needs for self-definition. See more

21.01.2022 I worry about being selfish - Expression 16 from Joan Borysenko in Guilt is the teacher, Love is the lesson' - Even though you dedicate so much time to helping other people, you secretly worried that you might be selfish. The reason for this is simple. You are often angry at the very people you are bending over backward to assist, because helping them leaves so little time and energy for you. Instead of acknowledging your anger as a signal that things are out of balance..., you interpret it as an inappropriate feeling that you should not have. After all, any really good human being would happily continue giving, oblivious to their own needs, until they dropped on the floor in a heap, wouldn't they? Isn't this true greatness? A good friend once reminded me that even Mother Teresa has the sisters of mercy to help her! Acknowledging your own needs first will allow you to help others when they need it, not when you need it. This is sanity, not selfishness. See more

21.01.2022 Im not as good as people think i am. I just have everybody fooled by Joan Borysenko in Guilt is the teacher, Love is the lesson'. Someday people are going to find out that we don't know as much, do as much, care as much, love as much, as they think. We are actually frauds. Only circumstances have dictated that we have come as far as we have. Most other people in our boots are actually much smarter and more competent than we are. Psychologists call this the imposter syndrome, and it afflicts many competent and bright people who define their worth in terms of what they can produce rather than who they are, what John Bradshaw calls acting like a human doing rather than a human being. In fact the problem is that we don't really know who we are, and so we feel empty and confused.

20.01.2022 Todays expression, from 'Guilt is the teacher, Love is the lesson' by Joan Borysenko, is I really know how to worry. It's midnight. Your daughter has an 11:30 curfew, but she isn't home yet. The movie could have gotten out late, or maybe shes having a good time and forgot to check the clock. Maybe she's even being an adolescent and testing your limits a little. But the most probable explanation is that sha has been raped, kidnapped, killed or at least permanently maimed i...n a car crash. Breathing heavily, you decide to be reasonable and wait until 12:15 before calling the police and all the local emergency rooms. The immediate escalation of any event into a world-class catastrophe is what psychologist Albert Ellis calls awfulizing. Its most amazing feature is that little or no evidence is required to come to conclusions of unprecedented gloom and doom. This kind of worry is the outer projection of our innermost fear- that of our own destruction. For, without the knowledge of love, fear is all that remains, and we can never feel safe. See more

19.01.2022 Must and Should are my Favourite Words - Expression 13 from Joan Borysenko in Guilt is the teacher, Love is the lesson' - Perhaps you were sitting in the living room, unwinding in front of the TV. Although you are enjoying watching the news, suddenly you remember those two phone calls you should make. Without even thinking, you bolt out of the chair and pick up the phone, again putting someone else's needs before your own. Or perhaps you have invited friends for dinner. ...All afternoon you compulsively clean and cook, making more than anyone wants to eat anyway. When the company comes, you would enjoy relaxing and talking with the group, but you must get back to the kitchen and oversee the banquet. No wonder you feel stressed and anxious rather than comfortable and calm. Musts and shoulds are a great way to motivate yourself as a human doing, but they blocked the joy of human being. See more

19.01.2022 I can't stand criticism - Even garden variety questions are often perceived as critical assaults that require immediate self-protection. As in, Gee, dear, did you get around to calling the roofer today? Call the roofer? How could I? After all, I've been on the go since 7:30 this morning. I didn't get out of work until almost six- it was so busy that there wasn't a minute to make a call. I'm completely exhausted. I didn't even have time for lunch. On top of it all, we we...re out of milk, bread, eggs, and cat food. I had to go to the market on the way home. You know how busy I am. Since an answer of this kind sounds like an accusation (how could he even ask when he knows how busy you are), your spouse is now angry at you. Self defence against for approach is what we think protects us from the rejection and abandonment that we fear so much. Tragically, our defence consists in dishing out the same rejection that we fear, so no one wins. - Quote from Joan Borysenko in Guilt is the teacher, Love is the lesson' See more

19.01.2022 I love how Canva serves billions, yet you still feel like you've received a personal Thankyou when you use their service. My admin team and I use Canva for so many things, at the end of the day it makes getting our message across quick and easy so I can get on with serving you all . Take care and have a great week #canvalove

18.01.2022 I have recently listened to an episode of the incredible podcast 'Unlocking Us with Brené Brown' that discussed burnout and the stress cycle. The episode had Dr Emily and Amelia Nagoski and was an enlightening and comprehensive discussion that i believe is highly beneficial for anyone who has experienced stress and burnout (..meaning everyone ). I am feeling very inspired, having listened to it on my walk last week, and you may have noticed that a quote by Dr Emily and Amel...ia even features as this weeks quote outside my studio! I encourage you all to follow the below link and have a listen. https://open.spotify.com/episode/57lSXDGL5qiGCu1BWwHXJU

18.01.2022 Im always apologising for myself When cancelling your dentist appointment turns into a five minute explanation of how sick your mother-in-law is and how there is no one to help her, and that you are desperately sorry for the inconvenience you have caused and that you will do everything in your power to make sure that you never repeat such a heinous crime again, you are in trouble. Feeling that everyone else is the judge and jury of our souls, we apologise continually, of...ten making ourselves downright obnoxious. Nothing we do is ever quite good enough. The present we chose isn't exactly right, so we tell Aunt Sue how to exchange it before she can even get the wrappings off. The house isn't clean enough, we didn't really mean to say that, the chicken we cooked for dinner is too dry. And were sorry, so sorry really. The next expression in my series of quotes from 'Guilt is the teacher, Love is the lesson' by Joan Borysenko is posted tomorrow night and is about feeling anxious.

18.01.2022 My workshop on healing your inner child is next week! Join me for this one day journey where you shall symbolically create your inner child through the art therapy process of doll making. Tickets are still available below.

18.01.2022 You might already think you have a handle on self care. Often, we can give ourselves the false indication that thats what were doing when really, we are just doing a bunch of actions that look like self care but really arent tapping in to what it is to truly care for the self. But why do you still feel run down, chronically exhausted or in suffering? Download a FREE copy of my book, The New Self Care, by following this link:... https://tanyamwilson.com/self-care-book/ See more

17.01.2022 Joan Borysenkos expressions of unhealthy Guilt from her book Guilt is the teacher, Love is the lesson' - I'm a perfectionist - You take an exam and get 90%. Are you happy? Not if you're a perfectionist. Instead of taking joy in the 90% they get, perfectionists would rather complain about the 10% they missed. Statistically, it is a fact that no one can do their best 100% of the time. Half the time we do better than our average, and half the time we do worse. That's sta...tistical perfection as defined by the laws of probability. It takes a lot of nerve to believe that we can or should be able to outwit natural laws, but perfectionism requires just that. As a strategy that evolved to ensure love and approval, it is rooted deep in the fears and longings of childhood, making it an emotional need, not an intellectual choice. Perfectionism makes no sense at all from a rational perspective and can be corrected only by returning to its roots in childhood. See more

17.01.2022 The family edition - https://mailchi.mp/tanyamwilson.com/the-self-edition-3722653

14.01.2022 The help edition...

14.01.2022 I can't take compliments - Day 18 of Joan Borysenkos Expressions of unhealthy Guilt from her book Guilt is the teacher, Love is the lesson' - Wow, Ellen, what a great dress! Oh, it's just a hand me down from my sister-in-law. She really has great taste in clothes. Is this familiar? The guilty response to compliments is a fascinating paradox. On the one hand, we yearn to be perfect and thrive on approval. But when it's freely given, we push it away, focusing instead o...n possible imperfections that might invalidate the compliment. For example, you bought the dress in a bargain basement, and it's really not as special as it looks. You bought it at Saks, and you're embarrassed by how much money you spent. You bought it in blue, which is not your best colour. It is too dressy for the occasion. It is too plain for the occasion. It is just right for the occasion, but is wrong for the weather which suddenly changed. You gained 5 pounds, and the waistband is killing you. You lost 5 pounds, and it doesn't show off your figure. You have lousy taste anyhow, and the compliment was a lie. Remember our suitcase for guilt, you need a matching piece just to pack your clothes guilt in! See more

14.01.2022 I worry that other people are better than I am - When I was first learning to cut ultrathin sections of specimens to view under the electron microscope, I was in a hurry to do it perfectly. There were many steps, including breaking knives from huge sheets of glass, bonding a water filled boat to the knife in order to float off the sections, and then learning to approach the specimen slowly with a big, complicated apparatus known as a microtome. My professor made short w...ork of this and could get great sections in no time. I was jealous of the ease with which he worked, and I complain to him about how slow I was. His response really surprised me. How egotistical can you get? he bridled. I've been doing this for 12 years, and you expect to be as good in a week! In guilty thinking, success and failure is a constant theme, breeding envy and competitiveness. The next expression in my series of quotes from 'Guilt is the teacher, Love is the lesson' by Joan Borysenko is posted tomorrow night and is about our overuse of the words must and should.

13.01.2022 I never have any time for myself - How could you? Unhealthy guilt keeps us too busy working, helping, saving the world, emptying the dishwasher, and worrying about all the other things for which there is no time. We are always the last priority on our own list. Even though we know that exercise, meditation, or plain old rest make us feel better, something else is always more pressing. The needs of others always take precedence over our own needs, reflecting the low self-e...steem that accompanies shame as an identity. When we don't take time to restore ourselves- in spirit as well as in body- we reinforce the sense of isolation and helplessness that underlies unhealthy guilt. If there's no time to walk to the beach or watch his sunset, if there's no time to listen to our hearts, were not really living. And were not really happy." Excerpt from Joan Borysenko in Guilt is the teacher, Love is the lesson'

13.01.2022 I hate to take any assistance or ask for help - Perhaps you are standing in an elevator with both hands full. Instead of asking someone to push the button for you, you press it with your nose. Your in-laws are visiting for a week. Instead of asking them to share the cooking and cleaning (which would make them much more comfortable), you run around trying to do everything yourself. By the end of the week you're exhausted and angry, right? Most guilty people find that it's ...much easier to give than to receive, and that it's almost impossible to receive if it requires asking. Yet giving and receiving a really the battery polls which love flows, aren't they? So refusing to receive is not an act of generosity at all; it's a subtle kind of selfishness that damns up the flow of love and keeps us separate from the spirit. - Joan Borysenkos Expressions of unhealthy Guilt from her book Guilt is the teacher, Love is the lesson' See more

13.01.2022 Today's expression is one that a lot of people find hard to come to terms with, I hate it when people are angry with me from Guilt is the teacher, Love is the lesson' by Joan Borysenko. Our antennae are always sniffing the air for anger. The boss is quiet and preoccupied this week. With no objective evidence, we may deduce that she is angry with us. We forget to call back a friend when we said we would, and then we feel so guilty that we keep procrastinating. We are afra...id that she will be angry with us, so we withdraw, making a bad situation out of an oversight. When someone actually confronts us with anger, we feel so vulnerable and overwhelmed that we will do almost anything to get off the hook and restore ourself to their good graces, including lying, cheating, and compromising our ethics. Nothing is as important as survival, and anger seems like a direct threat to it. As tiny children, we believed that our survival depended on being lovable, and deep down inside, the frightened child within still believes that the angry person holds the power of life and death over her. See more

12.01.2022 Expression six from 'Guilt is the teacher, Love is the lesson' by Joan Borysenko. Im always blaming myself If your daughter fails algebra, it's your fault, because whatever you did or didn't do as her parent just wasn't good enough. If you lose your job because there is a recession and engineers are getting laid off, it's never bad luck or a sign of the times. And it is never, never an opportunity. It is a terrible thing, and it is all your fault because you are stupid, lazy, a jerk, a loser, or suffer from some other fatal flaw that is central to your constant self criticism. This kind of pessimistic thinking is a hallmark of unhealthy guilt and continuously reinforces the helplessness so central to shame as an identity.

12.01.2022 The self edition - https://mailchi.mp/tanyamwilson.com/the-self-edition-3715277

12.01.2022 As mentioned in yesterday's post i am beginning to post the 21 expressions of unhealthy guilt from 'Guilt is the teacher, Love is the lesson' by Joan Borysenko. The first expression is Im Overcommitted. Taking on more that any human being can reasonably accomplish is a common characteristic of unhealthy guilt. Too many projects, too much to do, never enough time. This habit, a major cause of stress, is fed by the difficulty we have in saying no- both to our own needs to... achieve and to other people's expectations of us. Over commitment is based on the illusion that we can recapture our love, and that of others, by collecting achievements that prove our worth. Furthermore, overcommitment is a way of avoiding our plan. It blocks the process of recovery. Tomorrows expression is about excessive worrying. Please follow along as i post these insightful expressions that help us recognise our emotions and behaviours.

11.01.2022 Day five's expression from 'Guilt is the teacher, Love is the lesson' by Joan Borysenko, is; I often wake up feeling anxious or have periods when I am anxious for days or weeks. If we are lucky, the anxiety begins after a good night's sleep. If not, it happens in the middle of the night or awakens us early, and the mental wheels start to spin. Ruminations over the past take on a life of their own, if only i had or hadn't done this or that, accompanied by worry over futu...re uncertainties, What if this or that happens? We worry about all the things that we mighthave done wrong already or might do wrong soon. If we are over committed, we worry about how we can fit everything in and who will be angry with us when we cant meet our commitment in time. Our Anxiety often masks anger as well. After all, those people we are saving, helping or demonstrating our achievements too begin to look like our persecutors sometimes, don't they? See more

11.01.2022 "I sometimes worry that I am being punished ... - Only two more expressions of unhealthy guilt to come from Guilt is the teacher, Love is the lesson' by Joan Borysenkos . - When something bad happens, the psychological pessimist always blames herself. Psychologist Martin Seligman describes pessimist as the self-critical, helpless, and hopeless attitude of it's all my fault. I mess up everything I do, and it's the story of my life. The spiritual pessimist takes it a ste...p further. It's all my fault, and this bad thing is happening because [i am being punished]. ... Spiritual pessimism saps our strength and keeps us prisoners of fear, helplessness, and guilt. It is the antithesis of spiritual optimism, which is based on the inner knowing [and] faith that life's bad events are occasions for soul growth, not punishments for unworthiness." See more

11.01.2022 Often when people have been in a narcissistic abusive situation, they come to me drained, at the end of their tether, and sometimes in total breakdown and despair. One of the most rewarding things for me in my work is when I start to see clients go from what appears like total loss of self, to then changing visibly before my eyes. After doing some counselling around their relationship trauma, one day a client will come to their session with a glow I've not seen on them before, and I can see they have made a change to how they care for them selves. The external version of themselves is matching the inner work we have done together, and this is so beautiful to see!! My heart is so joyous when I see someone go from breakdown.... to breakthrough.

07.01.2022 Some of you may know that my candles are lovingly created by a local woman in SA. A portion of the proceeds from every candle purchased is donated to Heart Kids. This week, thanks to all my lovely clients, she was able to donate $400 in honour of Samuel, her heart angel's, 21st Birthday! Thank you all for your support. https://www.heartkids.org.au/get-involved/donate

05.01.2022 The resources edition - https://mailchi.mp/tanyamwils/the-resources-edition-3731041

05.01.2022 I worry about my body a lot - Guilty people are prone to both illness and hypochondria. Seventy five percent of doctor's visits are attributed to stress related disorders, including fatigue, muscle tension, gastrointestinal and cardiovascular disorders, increased susceptibility to infection, allergy, and depressed immunity. Guilty people also tend to awfulize aches and pains, like the backache that started Monday. It could have been the flat tyre you fixed, the picture you... hung, or even the encroaching signs of middle age. But most likely it's cancer. Your number is up. You are certain. But if the back ache goes away, don't worry. Tomorrow, or a week from today, you may feel dizzy. This could be stress, an ear infection, or maybe even multiple sclerosis. However, after due deliberation you decide a brain tumour is the likeliest explanation! Worrying about the body deflects attention from emotional self-awareness. It's one more way of numbing the pain of inner shame. - Tomorrow is the last expression from Guilt is the teacher, Love is the lesson' by Joan Borysenko. I really hope you are enjoying following along and will check back tomorrow for an extremely common expression of unhealthy guilt that we all can relate to. See more

05.01.2022 Expression number three from 'Guilt is the teacher, Love is the lesson' by Joan Borysenko. Im a compulsive helper The ranks of helping professionals- nurses, therapists, volunteer committee chairpersons- are bulging with the guilty. Several years ago, earlier in my own ongoing healing, a friend called me a professional saviorette. It made me mad at the time, but he was absolutely right. But you dont have to be a helping professional to be a professional helper who feel...s it is your responsibility to fix everyone elses problems. In reaching out to others, we naturally try to give them the love we so desperately need ourselves, but since we don't know how to love ourselves, attempts to love and save others often backfire. Compulsive helping is not an authentic reaching out to another persons self from our own. Instead, it is the reaching out of a fearful part of our self to a fearful part of someone else. This process is like the blind leading the blind- both are likely to fall in a ditch. I hope you are all enjoying following along, tomorrow's expression is Im always apologising for myself.

04.01.2022 Are you struggling to get a grip on better self care or alignment with yourself? Try the following affirmation for as long as you need: In every interaction, I understand my value and my worth.

04.01.2022 Resource recommendation Psychopath Free is a book of healing. Its aim is to help you become a survivor of being in a relationship with a psychopath or other types of toxic relationships. It focusses not just on recovery but takes it a step further with information on thriving. Have you ever been in a relationship with a psychopath? Chances are, even if you did, you would never know it. Psychopaths are cunning charmers and master manipulators. To the point where you start to accept the most extreme behaviours as normal Even if it hurts you.

01.01.2022 This Sunday is my last workshop of the year! Limited tickets are still available through the below link It will be a highly enlightening day relevant to anyone who: - is the child of a narcissistic parent - has been in a narcissistic abusive relationship as an adult... - has childhood trauma - has unhelpful/unhealthy patterns, habits or addictions in life that are on repeat even though you've tried to clear them in the past they keep showing up. - is a therapist or healer, particularly those with an interest in inner child work. See more