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My Mums journey with Alzheimer's

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24.01.2022 Faded Away 31/8/2019 As the days fade away, the guilt and the heartache remain, as we play the game against time which is no match compared to the pain. The moments, the memories forever kept in a treasure chest, encrusted by love and entangled by grief on levels only the soul can control. ... As I grasp onto the seconds of true recognition before she fades back away, it's the brief moments, it's that glimmer of the person who is still in there somewhere, that engulf's the sense that time truly is not my friend. Thing's that once measured as what is important or was, has been turned upside down and the outlook life once had to offer has all changed, the more she fade's away. The distinct impact of seeing the change before your eye's is profound. The holding hope for just them few more seconds of being in the moment and taking every second in, before she fade's back away hurts oh so much. It's a catch 22, a bittersweet moment when the missing of the person isn't fixed or eased by physically seeing them, it's the pain in my heart that get's heavier each time she fade's away but knowing time is all we have got left makes you question when will she fades away for the last time.

23.01.2022 Hey everyone, happy new year! I hope you all are well and are taking care thru the challenges this year has already produced for some. I just wanted to thank each and everyone of you for your support, for liking my posts, for sharing them and just knowing I'm not alone. I have to admit, I am technically challenged at the best of times and I have noticed since going over the page, there is many comments etc I haven't interacted with and this is purely because I haven't gotte...n a notification it was there and unless I physically look, I don't see it come up so please know that even if I haven't reacted to your comments etc, that I truly do appreciate the love and support! And will making a conscious effort to make sure I engage with you all! Lots of love Jo xx

22.01.2022 The heaviness in my heart as times goes on, just becomes heavier and heavier. Knowing that time with Mum now is extremely bittersweet as the deteriation is truly present and that the shell of the physical body, is all that remains of the woman I have known my whole life. Not having that person to turn to when life tests you, to be held and to be told you are loved by your mum is so hard when she is physically still there but all of these things are now but a mere memory. I ...never thought that at 32 years old, I would have to prepare myself to bury my Mum, net alone plan her funeral before she has passed. I never thought I would be raising my kids without my Mum being present in their lives growing up. I never thought that calling in for a cuppa and that needed chat to gain clarity when life feels clouded by negativity that only a mum can provide. I never thought I would miss my Mum telling me off and telling me to pull my head in when I am being a bitch and I knew it was completely out of love. I never thought I would be dealing with a terminal Mum thru a pandemic, and being restricted to seeing her 2 times in person in 5months and there isn’t anything I can do about it but take it in my stride. I never thought I would have to worry about my mum’s funeral not being the send off that she truly deserves due to the restrictions thru this pandemic. I never thought I would have to home schooling without the help and support from my mum, especially on the days where I just feel like I can’t do this anymore. I wish more than anything that covid would politely fuck off as this valuable time to spend with Mum has been taken away from us for months already. I wish more than anything that I knew I would be able to give Mum a kiss and cuddle one last time, net alone be able to look her in the eyes and tell her much I love her. The last few weeks have truly tested me, and all I have wanted was my Mum to talk to, to cry to, to vent to and to tell me it was all going to be okay or to give me that point of view that I hadn’t thought of yet. I never in my wildest dreams thought my biggest fears of losing my Mum as a kid, would be my reality now as an adult when I feel like I need her the most. I hope I find the strength Mum has shown us, to keep on keeping on and making her memory live on thru us all, as something she can be proud of. See more

22.01.2022 BLOW AFTER BLOW BY JO BRITTEN As I sit here ad my mind tries to comprehend the blow after blow, my heart and soul cop as a toll. I try so hard to roll with the punches, not letting the true impact bear the truth through the expressions on my face but how my heart truly aches. Just as I prepare myself for one thing, another comes to blow me off me feet and I scramble to find my footing another blow comes and knocks me deep. ... The things I was once scared of, is now my reality and not one ounce of hope and love is going to bring my Mum back. Life has a powerful way of reminding me that I never truly have control of what happens from one moments to the next, and as dust myself off and stand straight up after what I can only hope is the final blow, another one come’s knocking for the shit show. Time after time, again and again all I ask above is, when is all this going to end? See more

21.01.2022 Lots of quotes Ive saved to share with you all xx

20.01.2022 BREAKING DOWN THE WALLS BY JO BRITTEN Breaking down the walls that the soul has created over time from the toil and tribulations of life, in order to protect oneself from the burden of pain and misery, is harder when facing the world of reality at your door. Coming face to face with my fears, worries, and demon’s caused a surface of denial and I automatically shut off from the real world into my own of distractions instead of facing what was truly in front of me, and when I ...do, I get so overwhelmed that I either break down or that surface of denial comes to the front yet again. As I reflect on the person, I was a mere 10 years ago, the changes are undeniable as I’ve gone from girlfriend to wife, career woman to motherhood, being a daughter to a carer and more. And as times goes on, I’ve come to realise that time is the essence that changes everything in a second. The control and direction I thought I was headed in, just got pulled out from under me as my life raft as I called Mum has deteriorated to a shell of the person she once was. As I grappled and struggle through the pain of loosing the one person, I’ve always had a fear of losing, she is dying before my eyes and I truly lost myself in the process. Grief, heartache, mourning and helplessness is something of normality in my world watching my Mum dying, and not being able to help in any way or form eats at the layers of my heart and soul like I have never felt before and whilst life goes on, this huge hole is very much present in every aspect of my life. Strength to get through the days are sometimes limited, as the urge to sink under feel easier more and more. Feeling so lost beyond words can make putting emotions into words to express out loud so god damn hard especially when somebody has no idea about the world of pain, that trying to even explain it, you don’t know where to begin. Finding the strength to face my Mum gets harder and harder, as missing her hurt’s less than seeing her. And seeing her the way she is now, just feels like reality is a living nightmare. See more

19.01.2022 Love you forever and always Mum xxx

16.01.2022 Rollercoaster by Jojo Britten As I sit here and contemplate the destruction the rollercoaster of my life has become, and the chaos of emotions as the impact of whats left in the aftermath sinks in and takes that final knock to the soul it breaks me even further. As I hold on for dear life thru the twists and turns, the strength to hold on for the ride over ways anything and as time goes on, slowly there's nothing left to hold onto with. ... I wish I could scream and shout from the pits of despair in my stomach for my mum to come to my rescue, but as she's lost her mind and her voice there's no safety net for when I fall.

14.01.2022 Hey everybody, I know it been sooo long since I last posted and finally I feel up to explaining why.... Well you see, this page is was my ONLY place I felt like I could open up my heart and soul and truly share how this journey feels from my perspective but alas a family member completely wrecked that for me... ... After moving in with my Dad, on a few occasions my Dad had a crack at me about my page, not knowing what it was about or what I had actually written, so I showed him and printed off all my poems etc to read and gave him one I hadn't posted yet. I think Dad was taken back, and didn't say much after reading what I wrote, but the look in his eyes made me feel like finally he got it, that I wasn't posting "personal family matters" on Facebook at all... Well two days later, I posted the recent poem and Dad came come from seeing Mum at lunch, only to rip me apart for my page, as he received a very concerned phone call from a family member about mums condition blah blah blah.... After trying to work out what he was referring to, I proceeded to show him Mum's Facebook page to clarify and prove it was the poem he read the other day and nothing else was put up... To which it became apparent, this family member made a whole lot of trouble for me, when I did absolutely nothing wrong besides sharing how I personally feel thru a poem which was relevant to watching my mum with a terminal illness... What got me the most was, I felt like this family member even didn't care to ask if I was OK, if mum was ok? Or if everything was ok? but assume the worst and call my Dad which made things at home 10 times harder than it already was, whilst loosing trust my page was having any benefit for anybody, especially me at that time... It took me 6months to make this page public after I created it, with the fear of literally putting my heart and soul on the internet for all to see.... But as always, I've picked myself up, dusted myself and moved forward and thru this journey it's really taught me who actually is "family" and that's okay because who is meant to be in our lives have remained true and strong and that's what matters most... Til next time peeps >JoJo<

14.01.2022 Its a long goodbye.... She's leaving me, little by little, I wish she wouldn't go. I will be there as long as she needs me. How do I let her know?... I'd like to hold onto to the memories, I'd also like to share with her but she's further away, getting further and further away, and yet she's still physically there. It's a long goodbye and yet I believe that she can sense us, so much time between now and then, when its time against us. There are times she almost seems present, sometimes its just a phase. A part of the person I once knew, and sometimes just a trace. It's a long goodbye and I still don't know what to say. There's so much time between now and then because she fades away. Tell me how, do all the other's do it? There's so much time in between now and then. How do we get through it? It's a long goodbye....... I'm not sure where this piece came from and I don't think its an original piece, just really resonated with everything going on especially through covid.

14.01.2022 Merry Christmas Mum, I hope you have a wonderful day and have a beautiful lunch! This year is the first year in my life I won't see you or be able to call you before we start with the day (as you can't use a phone anymore) and I'm really struggling because all I wanted for Xmas was my mum back.... Hope Dad and Manda give you big squishes for me when they see you... Love to the moon and back xoxox

13.01.2022 DIGESTING EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS WRITTEN BY JO BRITTEN As I sit here trying to digest the fuckery of events that unfolded this morning, my brain is overwhelmed, my heart hurts and my soul feels crushed. I've never seen my mum so mad, confused, frustrated, irate and just down right pissed at me and all i was doing was trying to help. ...Continue reading

12.01.2022 Finding comfort in the chaos by Jo Britten 26/6/19 As the reality of the last few months sinks in and I process every single part that has changed, overwhelms me to the point the anxiety belts its tune with a force of questioning, rationality and comprehension on how not just the surface level of what my life once was to what it is no. It also hits home with the loudest bang to the heart and soul of reality that Mum's never going to be coming home and as I now prepare my curr...ent future in my childhood home it makes for the most comforting but most challenging transition of my life. Gathering myself as I sit in my bedroom, what was once my childhood bedroom mind you, It give's a sense of comfort nowhere else in the world will ever give. Knowing in that room I can truly unmask my frustrations from the world, having this understanding that I am comfortable beyond words gives me this sense of renewal that gives me the strength to tackle each task/room as we transitioned from 2 houses to one. The waking up in the morning half expecting to see Mum sitting at the dining table with Dad reading the paper and drinking coffee together like every other day of like life before this disease stole my Mum, and as much as i tried to ignore it the reality that family home I once had, now no longer consisted with my Mum being the matriarch of the family or even being present in the house that was once Mum's childhood home too become incredibly hard to process net alone acknowledge it for what it was. Going to the nursing home visiting Mum and leaving her behind as I go back home kills me in ways I don't like to admit. Throwing Mum's belonging's out that she had accumulated over the years was gut wrenching, it felt like she was already passed as what hadn't already been taken to her nursing home was either kept or thrown out to make room for our stuff to fit. This part of the journey I never even thought about 3 years ago when Mum was diagnosed to prepare myself for it, but each day as I find comfort in the chaos of all this change, my childhood bedroom and its amazing 50's wallpaper gives that sense of security and peace and comfort when everything else on the external walls feels like its caving in on me....

12.01.2022 Happy birthday to my Mumma bear, I'll love you forever and always... I am super grateful I got to spend time with you today, as this time last week I didn't even think it was going to happen .. I got to sing happy birthday and tell you how much I loved you, and woody boy came for a snuggle on Nanny's bed.... It as extremely hard seeing Mum, but even tho covid has stolen so much precious time already moments like this I'll treasure forever! Love you to the moon and back Mum, love always your little girl xxx

10.01.2022 As I sit here tonight and think about the stark reality that covid-19 has sprung into our lives unwantedly. The chaos and nothingness combined into the two, whilst nothing could us prepare for this change. The risk, the concern, the isolation and the days that feel like they are never going to end. Time feels like in a way it’s stood still, but the world is still going in slow motion. The not knowing but having a million questions, seeks so many curiosities that make it h...ard to determine if its rational or not. Feeling loses like never before, and the distance between loved ones is greater than ever before. Wishing, mourning, hoping, grieving all in waves, as they hit the sides of the pandemic’s shit storm. Wanting to give a cuddle to somebody who is only distance away but restrictions are still at bay. Tossing and turning, knowing tomorrow is going to bring the same old same old, and even though the sun is shining, life still feels like it’s on hold. Togetherness and closeness as a family can take its toll, when space isn’t there at all. Feeling like I am about to lose my mind, I know I need to take some time. Some time to decompress, to destress and unpack from the day. There are days tired it isn’t just physical, its deep down in the soul, and even though heaven is the answer for God’s call for my Mum, it doesn’t ever stop the pain and toll on the soul. See more

10.01.2022 WAVES BY JO BRITTEN 20/6/19 The waves of grief and guilt come with an unexpected crash and pull the life out from under me, and make me stumble to try and find and any balance left before being sweep out into the tide of despair. As the rip and pull from every direction masks the true extent of what's really going on, and that I'm struggling beyond belief that this isn't all just a nightmare and that I can wake up from at any given moment, the force of the reality doesn't ea...se in any turn. The turn of the tide is where I can finally find the raw peace of whats below and for how truly beautiful it is before the next round of waves of grief and guilt take me back out to sea. This constant fight for survival of trying to keep my head above water is a real battle at times when the life raft I once relied on to always be there has faded away to now a mere memory. Even the shallow parts that met the sand banks of the low tide, create a image of deceit in the minds eye as a way to safety and that constantly sweep's out from under me at any attempt I make to run or escape. The strength to keep afloat has weakened over time but only to renew in each tide. The foundations that I was once thought to lay beneath the surface have shifted and moved over time and as a result have made me realize that things can change at any given moment. I feel like I'm drowning in this reality as I cant escape it in any turn I take, the deep ache from within that over takes everything and makes me wants to give up just to escape just for a minute but then I also know in my heart that as the tide goes out and the sun sets, there will be that sparkle in the water that makes fighting for it all worth it.

09.01.2022 The constant waiting, the living on edge. Not knowing when that phone call is going to come, to confirm that this is the end. Living like my life is on hold, in fear of going far from home. ... Not knowing how much longer this will go on for, and how much more can she endure? Coming to peace with that this is fate, but not knowing when will the day come, that will hold the date? Living in fear that I will miss the moment, to be with her and hold her hand as her angel wings open. Knowing I’ve only got one chance, to say goodbye to my physical mother as her soul go to the light. Having the knowledge, the awareness and connection that, Mums presence in heaven is going to be more present than she is earth bound. In my heart, I know when I talk to her up above, she will know who I am and I will once again feel my mother’s love. When she’s gone, I feel like the last thing left to mourn is her physical form. The Mum I knew, died years ago and this shell is all that I’m left to know. I never thought I would be at a place that I would tell my Mum it’s time for her to let go now, to go be with Oma and Willy in heaven and that we will be okay. I told her its okay, and it isn’t forever as I’ll know when she’s at peace on the other side as that’s the joys of being a psychic medium, she can show me signs that her soul is still alive. This part of the journey, has been the hardest. The ticking time bomb waiting to go off, to finalise life. Not knowing what is around the corner, and everyday becomes harder. Learning to live without my Mum is hard, but knowing I can feel her, sense her, and talk to her when she is at peace, makes the journey of her leaving us a little easier but this waiting as the final stages take her, makes me wish for her sake, this is the year that takes her.

08.01.2022 Merry Christmas Mummy even tho we live closer to you than before, your presence is extremely missed this year, I wish you were with us this morning to see the girls faces light up. I'll make up a plate for you for dinner and come give you a big kiss and cuddle inbetween hosting breaky, lunch and dinner for our fambam and hope you enjoy all the chocolate you possibly can today love you to the moon and back xoxoxox

06.01.2022 NO TITLE BY JO BRITTEN My heart hurts, as much as my mind processes everything, nothing can be done to fix what has gone. Not knowing how to escape or wanting this nightmare to continue, the blows takes its toll on my heart and soul like never before. My biggest fears have become my reality. My Mum is dying and there is nothing I can do to comfort her because I am now a stranger in her world. The helplessness, the never-ending lump in my throat, as I beg the skies above for... just that brief moment my soul has been aching for, just one I love you more. Many people ask how my Dad is coping and state it must be hard loosing your wife and that is very well true, it’s the hardest thing my Dad has ever been through, but even though we are loosing the same person, we are losing a different version of the person my Mum played in our lives. My Dad lived a good 20 something years before he met my Mum, I have never had a day without her in my life and until the day she grows her wings and flies, my only hope is that her love for me wont die until the end of time. See more

06.01.2022 Mum, I miss you soo incredibly much. I've needed you more in the last couple of months than ever before. ... I wish I could run to you when I've needed to talk, to have you tell me how it is even if it's not what I wanted to hear, to have your support and know your forever on my team, to have that big cuddle where everything feels better, to be told that I'm always loved and know that there is no where that feels as safe as you do or to walk thru the front door at home and your there because without your presence, it feels like the essence of our family home is gone.... I miss you so much it hurts, it hurts in ways life or you could never prepare me for. As I sit here, there is nothing more I want to go and see you, but seeing you hurts just as much or if not more than missing you. The other day I was driving to see you because i needed you more than anything but then I broke down on my way, knowing you might physically be there but as my mum you have been gone for awhile and it sunk in and hurt that little bit more... I'd give anything to be able to tell you how much I love you and for you to know who I am, like really know who I am. Id give anything to ask you all the questions I didn't know that were important until now or for you to be able to just hang shit on me for being a ditz. There's so many things that have changed Mum, but the one thing that will always remain true and strong is my love for my mumma bear. I'll Love you always xxx

06.01.2022 I would give anything to be able to give my Mumma a kiss and cuddle, to feel her touch and to smell her hair. I am closer to her now since she moved into her nursing home, but yet she feels further away than ever. The days like today where all I need is my Mum's reassurance that things will be okay, and that this pandemic wont steal all our time away. I wish I could just pick up the phone and download all the things that are weighing on my shoulders, and feel like I'm not ...alone in this suffocating isolation that this pandemic has brought along with the restrictions at bay. I wish I could tell you I loved you more than anything, and that my girls constantly ask to see you, talk to you and cry for you. I wish I could fill the void that they are missing, and that they had more time with you before you disappeared into this shell that no longer resembles the person you were. There are so many memories I wish I could share with you, and that you really saw Lucy grow from the baby to the 4 year old she is today. I wish I knew how to heal her pain when she cries to see you because she misses you so much all she wants to do is give you a kiss and cuddle, and it breaks my heart because I feel the exact same. I long to go back to Sycamore street where everything felt safe, and that your memory is still the same. The memories in every corner and crevice and every creak and croak from the house, made me feel a comfort and security that no other house spoke. The longing, the wishing, the hoping but the never ending ache in my heart feels like my world has been torn apart. I've lost a lot of people on this journey, but the people that have actually been there are the ones you loved too. So in a way I know that this has all happened for a reason, and its highlighted those that are only there for the season, but I the only thing I wish I could have right now with the one I miss most, is being truly present in the moment for "I love you more" I hate you corona, and wish you would fuck off so I can finally be with my Mumma before she flys high amoungst the skies.... See more

06.01.2022 *I wrote this a week or so ago Today I went and saw Mum, She saw me, like really saw me and for a glimpse my MUM was present.... I gave her a big cuddle and kiss and in that moment mum looked me in the eyes and she told me she was proud of me. With tears in my eye's I responded with "really" to which I got smile and she replied with "really really". Within a heartbeat, she was gone again and this shell remains in place of my mum and as I sat there trying to engage with every desperation in my bone's for that glimpse to return. I want to spend as much time as I can with Mum but its a double edged sword in so many regards. It takes soo much to summon the strength to face that nursing home door. It takes all my strength, not to fall into my mum's arm's with the worries of the world that I no idea how deal with anymore as Mum was always the one I ran too, and now the layer's of what made my mum has striped her to the core I mourn and grieve so much more. There's so much I could talk to her about, there's so many thing's I wish she could tell me but in the big scheme words aren't the way we communicate anymore. Love is our communication now and will continue to be as we head even further into this journey of " early on set Alzheimer's" I will always love you Mum forever and always xoxo

05.01.2022 Pieces by Jo Britten 12/8/2019 Today and tomorrow, forever and always, I'll always look for that piece of me, that I've lost whilst loosing you. Life will never be the same without your wit and humour, your strength, love and devotion. ... The lesson's of life this journey has ingrained on my soul, my mind struggles to comprehend whilst my heart breaks yet again. As I struggle to lift myself off the floor, I ask above how much more? I know in my heart the things you have taught me where to prepare me, but without your motherly love to guide me, I feel like I'm treading water before I fall under, not knowing where my life raft has truly gone. The beast inside me fights a fight for the light, but without you beside my side, like I thought I'd have you for life, the pain, the grief, the hurt never ends as I confront every level of this battle without you again...

04.01.2022 hey everybody, here a some sayings and quotes I have been saving to share with you all xxx

03.01.2022 The deterioration is something you can't forget. The difference in Mum since early Nov to the last time I was able to visit her covid restrictions coming back in. I've been so torn in posting the lastest video of Mum, but it's the harsh reality of this disease and finding the words to describe this change is really hard unless you see it yourself.... I miss you more than anything Mum xxxx

02.01.2022 As some of you may of known, that during covid-19 we haven't been able to enter Mum's nursing home to see her due to the restrictions. It was only been the last month or so that we have been able to visit, but we have to pre book to go see her, have our flu shot with a record to the nursing home we have had it, and we get our temp done before we can walk in the door. So it's a peace of mind the restriction's the nursing home have in place for safe measure's for our loved one'...s inside. As you can imagine, not being able to see her was extremely hard. Calling the phone and having the phone up the Mum's ear ended up with Mum crying and then I'm crying and well, that wasn't fun for neither of us. Facetiming wasn't/isn't a option as Mum isn't up to that kind of thing these days. I did pop some homemade bikky's to the door at Easter that I had made with my two young daughter's and got the nurse's to bring Mum over to the window so we could wave and say hi. That was bittersweet. For Mother's Day we did the same thing but decorated a cake and made a card for Mum and got the nurse's to bring Mum to the window again. You can tell the transparency in her eye's, that somebody's there but nobody's home anymore and was really sad to see.. This below picture, was from when I went and visited last and even though Mum wasn't very coherent that day as I sang to her all her favorite songs and as I held her hand, the heaviness in my heart broke and the realization of the true deteriation in Mum over lock down, was a new whole level of grief I wasn't expecting. I thought even tho, my mind knew that this is now her reality, I questioned up above how much can she take? how much more does she have to deteriate and suffer before she is out of this daily nightmare? Is she really this stubborn to keep fighting this daily hell? All I know, is that the final stage is pretty much in full swing and all I can hope for is that we have the chance to give Mum the send off she truly deserves thru this covid-19 restrictions at play and that we don't get locked out again of the nursing home with this stage upon us. Until next time xoxoxo

02.01.2022 SYCAMORE STREET WHERE A HOUSE WAS BUILT, A HOME WAS CREATED AND DREAMS BEGUN. Over 70 years ago, a man travelled by boat across the world in pursuit of a new life and opportunities for his family whilst being contracted to build shell refinery as a carpenter. He found a piece of land and started to build a house, in the arrival of his family. My Oma, 2 aunties and my uncle arrive sometime later to the coast of Australia, and their new lives began. ...Continue reading