Pissa's classic stitch ups in Adelaide, South Australia | Home improvement

Pissa's classic stitch ups

Locality: Adelaide, South Australia

Phone: +61 408 852 325

Address: 23 2323 Adelaide, SA, Australia

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21.01.2022 I tell ya what boys and girls, I have endured some killa stitch ups in my time but this one I’m about to share could be the worst and it pains me to lay it out to you, my fam. Over the summer I made some of the greatest sacrifices, sacrifices that I as a young adult male should have never had to make. I gave up drinking 7 mid strengths on days ending in ‘y’ I stopped eating tinned spaghetti in my car and I stopped buying heavily discounted sweet treats from the local woolies.... I ran daily, started punching sides of hide at the local butcher and I caught chooks by hand out the back of all me country mates’ ranches - basically I went full Rocky Balboa fitness montage style. I got my body into PRISTINE condition (if any local painters need inspo hit me up, I got the oils). I was ready to dominate the league and take my crown as the PLFL’s rightful King from self-proclaimed back pocket of the century Pat Andison. THEN the news hit me like 3 full strength pints up the club... FOOTY POSTPONED UNTIL MAY 31. STITCH UP My hard work, my chiseled physique and thickening facial hair. All that for nothing. Looks like taking the crown will need to wait one more season. YOU WIN THIS ROUND ANDISON.

20.01.2022 Yeah gday, was just having a think to myself over a nice cold can’o gold and I had a light bulb moment about Marlion Pickett who is making his AFL debut tomorrow. I draw a lot of similarities between myself and the trophy fish (Marlion - Marlin). He became a member of the Tigers’ list 4 months ago, but before that he had a troubled time as a young man and then he moved west where he matured and developed into a star player. Myself, I also had a rough time as a teenager - an...yone who saw me at Victor Harbour schoolies can confirm this haha (don’t be fooled by the school leader badge cobbas). I then continued being a piss drinking deviant often led astray by the third year FLOGS. I then moved west and found my love for pilates. In this move is where the stitch up lies... I joined the mighty Demons midway through their season and took the spot of a local born and bred legend of the club - Patrick ‘How’s ya mother’ Andison. I rocked up with my city boy haircut and cut down his boyhood dreams delivering an all time STITCH UP. I reckon my boy trophy fish (Marlion) has delivered a similar and all time great stitch up by rolling into the Tiges, saying Dimma my brother put me in and then pushing some local legends who did the hard yards (like Ando) back into helping with match day duties like running water etc. Bad luck Rossy and Chol you have been STITCHED UP by the trophy fish!!!!!!

16.01.2022 For those of you who don't know, Peter Goers is a talk show host on my second favourite radio station behind FRESH FM (ooonce ooonce). Peter and I are both pretty similar characters, both love a dart and both love a glass or twenty of sweet sweet nectar (that's beer for all you people who think Merv Hughes and David Boon are the same person) Now Mr. Goers has delivered me with one hell of a stitch up, and for the first time in my life, which everyone loves hearing about, you ...can listen to this stitch up occur. On Satdy just gone, I was sitting up on the Woolshed balcony, sipping rum, ripping darts and sucking face. While I was having a reflective moment alone on the balcony after getting a little too intimate with some long haired yahoo, who from behind looked a lot like an attractive lass, I was approached by some old fella who was in search of a lighter. As it turned out this bloke was Peter Goers. "Hellooooo, do you have a light my brother" asked Peter in his unique voice. "Hell yeah I do my nephew" I said as I reached for my light. I lit that fella up and after sparking his dart I sparked a conversation: "hey Peto, you're looking a bit flabby around the tum, I reckon you could do with some exercise physiology". Mr. Goers the sick unit replied "that's true my boy, I say, why don't you meet me in my office at 9:10pm on Monday and you can run a session with me". "Yeah no worries cuz, I'll see you there" I replied. Anyway, I got a call from old mate about 5 minutes ago saying that I would actually be describing to his evening radio audience what EP actually is cos he thinks it's a load of camel shit. Thinking I was just running a fitness session until 5 minutes ago, I've been going about my usual Monday routine (getting buck wild) so now I'm sculling beroccas (just knocked off my 5th in as many minutes) trying to sober up for this damn interview. If you'd like a shoutout, let me know. You'll have to tune in to ABC 891 at 9:10pm to hear me arse my way through what us sick units (EP's) do for a living. Let's hope I don't vomit on him. http://www.abc.net.au/adelaide/programs/adelaide_evenings/

15.01.2022 I am absolutely filthy right now. I'd been having an absolute bumper of a day. I went down to a very quaint boutique coffee shop in the city where I had a conversation with a long haired yahoo about self sufficient living in Bolivia while scoffing a quinoa infused blueberry muffin on the side of the shop's tallest glass filled with pineapple juice (because of obvious reasons, come on). Anyway just after I departed the coffee shop Bailsy gave me a call:... "Timbo my son, start stretching now because ya boy bayulzy is bringing home some of the KERNEL's finest" I was as happy as a pig in shit, I'd done my pretending for one day.. I was ready to go hard on some hot bird, and then have some KFC after (know what I'm saying my nephews). As you can see from the picture below, I was very keen. I sat like that for 1.5 hours waiting for The King to return. And return he did.. That big headed buffoon strolled in with the biggest damn packet of corn I had ever seen.. BAILZY WTF I let it out like a fart coming off a three day old turd: "Listen here you feral bastard, this is not KFC!!!!" Bailsy that cheeky little sniper hit back like a well timed Federer slice.. "I said Kernel's finest Timbo, not Colonel's finest". He then put on a shit American accent and said "these right here are the finest damn kernels in this whole damn county" He slapped that slab of useless vegetables on the table and I was about one drop of camel's milk away from stabbing that deceitful dog in the neck as I yelled "THIS IS A CLASSIC STITCH UP"

14.01.2022 Ahhh well lads here we are in Movember. Just for those of you who aren’t aware, Pooley grows the worst snot mop you’ve ever seen in your life. Although you can’t knock the man’s loyalty, he’s as loyal to his peach fuzz as I am to XXXX Gold (that’s bloody loyal for all you city folk). Anyway, Pooley has been growing his undercover brother since Shaun Tait retired from Test cricket. Me on the other hand, I shave on Movember 1 every year and let nature work. ... So it’s day 3 today and this morning, there I was sitting on the couch having my coffee when Pooley comes out in nothing but his RM Williams boxer shorts and belt buckle, takes one look at my face then falls to his knees in utter dismay. No fuckin way you grew that in 3 days!!!! He squealed from underneath that petit growth. Jealous bastard just can’t handle it, year after year my Mo takes his to a nice seafood dinner and never calls it again. Poor old Pooley has clearly been dealt a classic stitch up by Mother Nature.

14.01.2022 Salutations and Christmas greetings Shit Lickers. The Pissa is back in town so you know what that means - something stitchy this way comes... Dusted off the chino shorts and ninja socks (I call em that cos you can’t see the sneaky buggers) and have attended my first day of the Adelaide Test today. Fair to say that after a few lip looseners (BEERS for all you hethens) I’m in the mood to bash the piss out of Pooley. However if I can restrain the bashing for my own private alone time in my bedroom, I might just try get the little shit with a CLASSIC STITCH UP instead. Stay tuned, you’ll no doubt see me typing into me blower with one eye shut tomorrow to keep you mob informed re. the STITCH UP status. Anyways love ya all if you’re in the city of churches sing out you’ll be able to find me near the bar (cos I drink a fair bit of PISS).

12.01.2022 So, how about this Pokemon Go ay bruvvy's! Fully sick game that I loved more than a mid strength on a Tuesday evening. Key word mother bitches - LOVED... Until it was tarnished by one Jackson Poole. I was going full hard core on this game, like a well hung white dude with a regrettable tattoo and poor facial hair on someone with a name like Felicity Jade. I was scouring high and low in my quest to become the ultimate Pokemon master (if you're gonna do it, do it properly). ... Given my full on, no holds barred attitude toward the game, you can imagine my excitement when Pooley calls me to say that there was a Raichu in our house (level up from Pikachu. Pikachu is a puny broke ass bitch compared to this hell raising sucker). I flipped the table made from organically sourced wood at my regular coffee stop and hit the pavement Byron Pickett style - running absolutely full tilt and smashing anything in my path (men, women, children - no one was spared) on my way back home to catch this legendary Pokemon. I finally get home, bust down the door and as I enter Pooley leaps off the coach wearing a set of bunny ears with painted red cheeks and poorly applied lipstick, screaming "PIKA PIKA PIKA" What in the name of Shane Keith Warne!!! First of all Raichu doesn't even make that noise, and second of all, there was no Pokemon, just a wigged out Italian with bunny ears!!! THANKS FOR RUINING MY LIFE CLASSIC STITCH UP

10.01.2022 Gday all, apologies for the absence. Have been livin off the grid largely since moving back to the country. Those of you who have Snapchat would know by now that I have purchased a new ‘truck’ - that’s what they call em out here in the sticks. Anyway, the new rig has all the bells and whistles. To say the least it is pretty bloody shmick. I’m not here to bitch and moan about the vehicle itself BUT boy oh bloody BOY did I cop an epic stitch up at the purchasing stage of thi...s new journey.... courtesy of none other than that rodeo SPAZ (won’t call him clown because that is a respected profession where I’m from) JACKSON COLIN POOLE I was thinking about trading in my old Camry about 2 years ago after starting my first full time job but Pooley advised against it saying na mate she’s bonza rippa this ol girl, it’ll only go up in value from here mate you’d be losin ya marbles to trade it in now So I thought Struth, I’m sitting on a gold mine here and I waited it out. Now fast forward to August 2019 and I’m thinking by this point I’m gonna make a profit when I trade in the Camry for a 2014 ISUZU with all the bells and whistles. I walk into the dealership with my head held higher than Sir Steve Smith’s batting average and lay down the law to the salesman. Mate I’ll give you this perfectly aged 2004 Toyota Camry and in return you can give me $30, 000 and that there ISUZU He did not respond well. He laughed his absolute Jolly Roger off right there in my face, then walked to the fridge, grabbed a can of Diet Coke and cracked it saying here you go champ, you can have that for ya piece of shit Toyota POOLEY YOU MONGREL YOUVE DONE IT AGAIN STITCHED UP

09.01.2022 After the fiasco that occurred last night with that clown Bailsy, I decided to re assess what is really important in my life. I decided it was time to put my differences with Fitzy aside and treat him to a night of nectar neckin and ciggie suckin. After freshening up and unveiling the creation of the soap bar to Fitzy, we headed into Saracens and although I was without the fabled strike rate jumper, I had a good feeling. Fitzy and I were unable to leg a single moisty betwee...n us, but we did share what I believed to be a genuine man to man bonding session. We shared war stories and sucked back at least a pack each. Then as the clock struck 12, the moonlight shon on Fitzy's fiery, gel abused spiked hair in a way that opened my soul to my new found brother. We had established what I thought to be a special connection.. I thought Fitzy felt the same as he asked: "Pissa my nephew, let's go and get matching tattoos" My reply was as quick as a Mlkman delivery. "Yes my brother let's ride" So we hit the road to Fitzy's favourite tattooist. He suggested that I take the chair first. The plan was to have the word "Domithy" tattooed on both of our biceps (Timothy + Dom) Just before the mean looking motha with the ink took to my arm, Fitzy whispered in his ear. I thought nothing of it at the time. After holding Fitzy's hand in a classic bro hold for about an hour. The ink dude said "you're all done cuz" At that exact moment, Fitzy jumped up on the chair and started to "Fitz-bag" me, basically a tea bag but with ginger pubes, yelling "yeah boi yeah boi" I threw that little ginger nut bastard to the turf and checked my tattoo and the rest is history.. CLASSIC STITCH UP!!

08.01.2022 I tell ya what, I'm about the length of a Fitzy foot (small footed man) away from giving Bailsy the boot from my current house. I love living with Pooley and chewing the fat here and there while enjoying the occasional mate maker, but Bailsy. Nah mate, nah. Not after tonight. I was coming back to the city after a week in God's country. On my way back I called Bailsy and proclaimed to my bruz: "Big Dog, find my strike rate jumper and get it ironed because the King is coming ...back to get stuck into the moisties" I was getting myself pumped to hit up Saracens and get stuck into all the vulnerable power supporters, but of course Bailsy had to go and stuff up all my plans. I get home and both Bailsy and the jumper are missing. I call him. "Where are ya you little shit" He replies: "Ayyyyy nephy, what's good fam. Neph this jumper is no good, come down to the Iggies cricket nets I've got ya jumper" On the brink of blowing my poopoo valve I stormed down to Iggies cricket nets where I find Fitzy at short leg wearing a red helmet (or maybe he didn't brush his hair I don't know), Carry facing up with all his gear on and Bailsy bowling a few gentle tweakers wearing.. You guessed it MY STRIKE RATE JUMPER!!! Bailsy pipes up mid delivery "ayyyy Timbo this jumper is crap, my strike rate is still rubbish" He lets go of the ball and Carry sends another one flying past Fitzy's head. At the exact same time, Fitzy and I scream "THIS IS A CLASSIC STITCH UP"

06.01.2022 When I was 13 years old, I copped an absolute tongue lashing from my Spanish teacher after I learnt how to say 'classic stitch up' in Spanish. Needless to say shit hit the fan that day and a lot of innocent children got hurt.. Anyway after a barrage of Costura clásicas, the Señorita started ripping me a new hole, to which I responded "cash me ouside how bout dah" (I was going through a pretty serious silk tracksuit phase at the time). I tell ya what family, if society was as... addicted to bullshit back then as it is now then I would be on the big bucks right now, cashin cheques and breakin necks. And I'll give ya a hint, my boy Dom Fitz would be smoking more than darts right now too if you know what I mean. My boys would've uploaded that classic moment straight onto the book using their Nokia. But instead, word of mouth saw that classic line hit the States, and some ghetto tramp is now famous because of it... what a Costura clásica See more

05.01.2022 Life has been going bloody well lately. I've picked up some work, have a great boss (cheers Ando if ya reading), and I've increased my mid-strength intake by 75% per week. To put it simply, my life has been "fully sick bruv". BUT... over the weekend, smooth sailing turned into absolute chaos on the high seas as Bailsy and I headed south for a light camping trip. I knew things were spiralling out of control from the moment I picked up that long streak of pelican shit. Bailsy ...gets in my car, and I hit him with a hard question right off the bat: "bring the durries cuz?". Shit for brains replies: "I've quit nephew". If you're reading Bails, welcome to your stitch up. That bastard. Following his ridiculous remark, we sat in silence all the way to "Deep Creek" (load of horse shit, Pooley could touch the bottom in this so called deep creek). From here my anger toward Bails only grew, with his next performance catapulting me to Sith-lord anger levels. I gave Bails one job, to make sure we could have a fire. We get to the campground and as we're driving in through the thick fog in the freezing cold I see a sign "no fires permitted until April 30th". Bails you have got to be kidding me. The low life didn't even check the dates of fire-danger season!!! The animal made me buy the wood and the lighter (since he gave up ciggies) and he didn't even check the fire danger dates!!! I looked at the sign, then looked at Bails. Then looked at the sign again. One job, that's all he had. A simple task. And by giving him this responsibility I allowed him to ruin the trip and deliver me the CLASSIC STITCH UP I had avoided for so long. Enjoy the rest of your life Bails, you have now joined Fitzy on my 'dead to me' list.

04.01.2022 Gday family, the days are becoming darker. It has taken me a few days to gather the strength to share this stitch up with you, it has had a seriously ball tearing (devastating for the city slickers) impact on my life. McDonalds have given the boot to all dine in meals. DID THEY THINK ABOUT HOW THE HELL I AM MEANT TO EAT MY TENDERS NOW?????... Here’s my predicament family. I drive a very expensive, very fancy, very hoity toity 4x4 ISUZU DMAX dual cab ute with lots of accessories. I will not allow ANYONE, and that includes myself, to eat in this pristine vehicle. Therefore I can not order said Tendie boys and eat them in the car. I also can not risk ruining my ‘perfect male’ image among my family, colleagues, clients and mates by being seen to eat deep fried goodness. The only way is to eat them via the full dine in experience because no one I know would be caught dead sitting inside the local Maccie D’s. I’ve asked the selfish dogs if I can just sit out the back to quickly eat em but NO DEAL. Me last tenders fix was at 11:58am on Monday. If someone doesn’t help me resolve this issue I’m gonna start direct messaging Maccas workers. I don’t care if they’re 13, sometimes people just need a good kick up the clacker. HELP ME FAMILY